The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stonefree69]

A guy sits down in a cafe and asks for the hot chilli.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

 

[Stonefree69]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies.

“O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?” asks the Midwife.

“No, no boyfriend either.”

“Do you have a partner then?”

“No, I’m not attached, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”

“Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of my Business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”

“Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.”

“Yes,” continues the girl, “there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, “Thank god for that!”

“What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked.

“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.”

 

[Hank Hemp]

I remembered

I remembered

you're getting senile too ....... check post 1428

You went back 250 post? To your own joke? Sad but I forgive you anywho. I just won't bring up that Harry G told it so much better and that me and everyone else on the Mag didn't think you were funny at all. Once again SAD. and the fact you remembered it down to the post # that's number not hashtag.

 

[greenmatter]

i smoke a lot of pot brother so i don't "remember" shit these days it's the only thing that keeps me kinda sane

the search function helps

 

[Stonefree69]

i smoke a lot of pot brother so i don't "remember" shit these days it's the only thing that keeps me kinda sane

the search function helps

Marijuana can actually improve memory and help in the formation of new brain cells - see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcX1E-_NwM4#t=0m44s and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcX1E-_NwM4#t=1m25s

Actually you should watch the whole short 15 minute video!

 

[Stonefree69]

Joke #1

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"


Joke #2

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

...
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


Joke #3

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said 'all you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now.'

The mother went into the living room and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.'

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'

 

[Harry Gypsna]

2 young women, discussing the size of their boyfriends penises.
One says "I told my fella to give me 8 inches and make me bleed."
The 2nd lady asks "How did that turn out?"
"It was a mixed result!" answers the 1st lady.
"How so?" asks lady number 2
And the 1st lady says "He fucked me 4 times, then he stabbed me"

 

[5th]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

 

[drifting]

lol great jokes everyone!!

this thread is a barrel of laughs

 

[Stonefree69]

"On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

At least they can breakfast too!

 

[Stonefree69]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Don't rub it in darn it

Don't rub it in darn it

i smoke a lot of pot brother so i don't "remember" shit these days it's the only thing that keeps me kinda sane

the search function helps

I don't have a crumb of reefer. Now that's really Sad.

 

[greenmatter]

ahhhhh ......... now i understand why you're ......uhhhhhm ........ grumpy

i thought the grinch shit in your bong or something ........ what you got going on is way worse

 

[dddaver]

OK

Two ______s walk into a bar . . .

and NOBODY ducked.

 

[5th]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

[stasis]

haha... Good one.

 

[Builtaforest]

Three Jews walk into a bar

I lied, its a gas chamber

baf

 

[stasis]

.

 

[bench warmer]

This has been around awhile but I just saw it for the first time

 

[MJBadger]

A man was dismayed to find a lump on one of his testicles & too embarressed to go to the doctor but after several weeks he finally plucked up the courage .
Dr told him it was just a lump of chewing gum .

Morale of the story ? Never allow a woman that is trying to give up smoking perform oral sex on you .