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As of today ICMag has his own Discord server. In this Discord server you can chat, talk with eachother, listen to music, share stories and pictures...and much more. Join now and let's grow together! Join ICMag Discord here! More details in this thread here: here.
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ICMag and The Vault are running a NEW contest in October! You can check it here. Prizes are seeds & forum premium access. Come join in!
In a similar vein, Man with friend driving down the road. First man says I got to take a dump. Driver says"well go out the window." The man does and the load hits a car windshield(screen). Man in second car says do you see the size of that chew? Other man says size of his chew? Did you see the size of his lips.
2 Young ladies, comparing notes about their boyfriends sexual prowess, one says to the other,
"My man fucks like a petrol lawnmower",
The 2nd lady asks "What, a loud bumpy ride, with lots of vibrations?
And the 1st lady answers
"2 stroke"
"My man fucks like a petrol lawnmower",
The 2nd lady asks "What, a loud bumpy ride, with lots of vibrations?
And the 1st lady answers
"2 stroke"
A similar joke:
On a passenger train someone in a cab has to take a crap REAL BAD but all the bathrooms are occupied. So he sticks his rear out the window to relieve himself. A conductor making his rounds hears some noise just outside one of the windows and looks out peeking both up and down the cab and sees something. Quickly he exclaims: "HEY YOU WITH THE BALD HEAD AND CIGAR, STICK YOUR HEAD BACK IN THE WINDOW!"
Lowman
Member
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
And whispered,
'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?' And thus began my life of celibacy..........
B
bench warmer
Old Jokes 
Old Jokes
A friend sent these to me a couple of days ago. Enjoy.
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where's my toast?”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you're getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can't cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don't know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Old Jokes
A friend sent these to me a couple of days ago. Enjoy.
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where's my toast?”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you're getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can't cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don't know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A blond was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop someone asked where did you get that? The pig replied' " i won her in a raffle".
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into 6 pieces or 12. Six please she said i could never eat 12
Why did 17 blondes go to the movie theater?
Because they heard only under 17 was not admitted.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
Oh look...donut seeds.
She was so blonde she thought a quarterback was a refund.
She was so blonde she tripped over a cordless phone.
She was so blonde she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into 6 pieces or 12. Six please she said i could never eat 12
Why did 17 blondes go to the movie theater?
Because they heard only under 17 was not admitted.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
Oh look...donut seeds.
She was so blonde she thought a quarterback was a refund.
She was so blonde she tripped over a cordless phone.
She was so blonde she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
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A blonde comes home early and finds her husband in bed with another woman. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a pistol and puts it to her own head. The husband and his mistress bust out laughing and the blonde yells, "What are you laughing at? You're next!"
What has your computer got in common with your girlfriend?
You never really appreciate either of them, until they go down on you.
You never really appreciate either of them, until they go down on you.
<--- Blonde, hillbilly, and southern (sans cracker). I figure that if I can't poke fun at myself I have no right to poke fun at anyone else and there are too many out there who NEED to be made fun of!
True story, years ago my father came back from the store with a box of Kotex that was on the grocery list. My mother asked him if it didn't bother him to buy them and he said, "If it doesn't bother you to wear them why would it bother me to buy them?"
Peace!
True story, years ago my father came back from the store with a box of Kotex that was on the grocery list. My mother asked him if it didn't bother him to buy them and he said, "If it doesn't bother you to wear them why would it bother me to buy them?"
Peace!
A southern woman attends some lah-dee-dah party in NYC. She turns to the woman next to her and says, "Where y'all from?" The northern woman sticks her nose in the air and says,"A place where we don't end a sentence with a preposition!" The southern woman says, "Oh, then where y'all from...bitch?"
TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean,
but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean,
but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
B
bench warmer
If a lesbian cockblocks another lesbian would that be a beaver dam?
It's fair to joke about yourself....especially if you are blond and know better hank
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
(Some old men can still think fast.)
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
(Some old men can still think fast.)
A young car designer from Germany is in London for the Olympics, and he is feeling horny, so he decides to find a hooker.
He finds a young pro, and takes her to his hotel, gives her a glass of champagne, and tells her to make herse;lf comfortable while he prepares himself in the bathroom.
To the pros surprise, he emerges from the bathroom, wearing a plastic Donald Duck mask, a cape, and four large springs, one on each elbow, and one on each knee.
They get down to business, and the pro is amazed at her punter, she has 5 orgasms and is thoroughly worn out at the end of it. She asks him, "How the hell did you fuck me like that, and whats with the springs and duck mask?"
And the man replies
"I work for Audi, and that is what we call the four sprung duck technique."
He finds a young pro, and takes her to his hotel, gives her a glass of champagne, and tells her to make herse;lf comfortable while he prepares himself in the bathroom.
To the pros surprise, he emerges from the bathroom, wearing a plastic Donald Duck mask, a cape, and four large springs, one on each elbow, and one on each knee.
They get down to business, and the pro is amazed at her punter, she has 5 orgasms and is thoroughly worn out at the end of it. She asks him, "How the hell did you fuck me like that, and whats with the springs and duck mask?"
And the man replies
"I work for Audi, and that is what we call the four sprung duck technique."
