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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

messn'n'gommin'

messn'n'gommin'

ember
Veteran
(This one is best when told with the teller acting out the motion.)

A virgin asks his experienced buddy how to make love to a woman. His buddy pulls two dimes from his pocket and hands them to his virgin friend and tells him to tape one on each of the outside of his hips and to shift his hips from side-to-side for the rest of the day while repeating to himself, "Dime...dime, dime...dime." So, all day long he he walked around shifting his hips from side-to-side repeating the whole time, "Dime...dime, dime...dime."

The virgin approached his buddy the next day and asked, "Now what?" His buddy pulled a quarter and a dollar from his pocket and told his little buddy to tape one on his butt and one on his belly and to shift his hips from side-to-side and then thrusting back-and-forth all day long while repeating, "Dime...dime, quarter...dollar, dime...dime, quarter...dollar." All that day the virgin shifted his hips side-to-side then thrusting back and forth while repeating, "Dime...dime, quarter...dollar, dime...dime, quarter...dollar."

The next day the virgin again asks his buddy, Now what?" His buddy says, "Now, the moment of truth!" He introduces him to a pro and they get down to business. The virgin is concentrating and repeating to himself, "Dime...dime, quarter...dollar, dime...dime, quarter...dollar." The pro moans out, "Faster." the virgin goes faster and repeats to himself, "Dime, dime, quarter, dollar...dime, dime, quarter, dollar." The pro moans out again, "Faster!" "Dimedimequarterdollardimedimequarterdollar!" When the pro yells out, "FASTER!" He slams it home yelling, "BUCK FORTY-FIVE, BUCK FORTY-FIVE!"
 
B

Black Elf

Member
Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
 
B

Black Elf

Member
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
 
B

Black Elf

Member
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
 
Hank Hemp

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
I don't care who you are

I don't care who you are

Black Elf said:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Click to expand...

That's funny :ying:
 
Hank Hemp

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
My point is-

My point is-

Weezard said:
Hmmm,
Technically, Blonde isn't a race.
So, Hillbilly jokes aren't racist either.
But deep south Cracker jokes are.

:D
Weeze
Click to expand...

Look just changing the joke from pollock to blonde it's still belittling to whoever. More importantly the lamer pollock jokes are being used and they're not very original. I heard most of the "blonde" jokes 50 years ago in Jr. High school. :ying:
 
Last edited:
B

Black Elf

Member
A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!"

The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"

The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"



There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus.

The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks."

The stoner says, "Alright, Man."

The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?"

The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

"Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"

The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?"

The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.
 
Harry Gypsna

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
A millionaire is looking for a wife, and sick of the gold diggers he usually dates, he decides to place a lonely hearts ad.
He gets 3 responses. One lady is a millionaire herself, reasonably attractive, but 10 years older than him. The 2nd lady is fairly well off, pretty plain, but the same age as him, and the 3rd lady is poor, beautiful and 10 years younger than him. Which one did he choose??

The one with the biggest boobs.
 
messn'n'gommin'

messn'n'gommin'

ember
Veteran
Hank Hemp said:
Look just changing the joke from pollock to blonde it's still belittling to whoever. More importantly the lamer pollock jokes are being used and they're not very original. I heard most of the "blonde" jokes 50 years ago in Jr. High school. :ying:
Click to expand...

Firstly, I sincerely offer my apologies for offending your sensibilities.

Still, I feel what makes most blonde/Polish/Hoosier/Yo Mama/mental capacity/stoner etc. jokes so interchangeable may have more to do with the human condition than an insult to any specific ethnicity, physicality, or even gender. People are people and we have way too many sacred cows (a slur?) and as a species, we do way to much stupid stuff, to often, not to be made fun of.

Peace!
 
Hank Hemp

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
Just a minute messn, those hoosier "jokes" aren't jokes?
Do you know how to tell the toothbrush was invented by a hoosier? If it had been invent anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush. I don't care who you are that's funny right there.
 
Hank Hemp

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
Here Green

Here Green

Harry Gypsna said:
A millionaire is looking for a wife, and sick of the gold diggers he usually dates, he decides to place a lonely hearts ad.
He gets 3 responses. One lady is a millionaire herself, reasonably attractive, but 10 years older than him. The 2nd lady is fairly well off, pretty plain, but the same age as him, and the 3rd lady is poor, beautiful and 10 years younger than him. Which one did he choose??

The one with the biggest boobs.
Click to expand...

This is funny. Wait a minute, you mean breast or the unintelligent? Damn I'm getting picky in my old age. :tiphat:
 
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