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A child asks his Jewish Father, " Dad can I borrow 60 dollars ??"
The Father responds: " 40 Dollars ?! What do you need 20 Dollars for !?!? "
Ps: btw, got nothin against the Jews, I swear !!!
The Father responds: " 40 Dollars ?! What do you need 20 Dollars for !?!? "
Ps: btw, got nothin against the Jews, I swear !!!
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland ..
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland ..
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
stiltokin74
Member
Here's a little Texas humor for ya'll
There was a fellow once who was about to graduate from the seminary, but right before he did he was given one last mission to fulfill. He was to travel the country visiting as many churches as possible in order to better get a sense of how every one else worships.
In each church he visited, regardless of denomination there would be a golden telephone in a corner with a large sign proclaiming "phone calls to God, $1,000.00 per minute"
He was intrigued but said nothing, then one day near the end of his travels he visited a church in Texas. There in a corner, just as everywhere else he visited, was a golden phone, but the sign read " phone calls to God, 25 cents per minute"
More than intrigued, he could not contain his curiosity and so he asked the pastor, "Father I have traveled the country over and every church I have visited has had one of these phones in the corner. The only difference is there is a HUGE difference in the price of the call. Can you tell me why?...the pastor looked at him with a warm smile and said.....
......."that's easy son, your in Texas.........that makes it a local call!
....
There was a fellow once who was about to graduate from the seminary, but right before he did he was given one last mission to fulfill. He was to travel the country visiting as many churches as possible in order to better get a sense of how every one else worships.
In each church he visited, regardless of denomination there would be a golden telephone in a corner with a large sign proclaiming "phone calls to God, $1,000.00 per minute"
He was intrigued but said nothing, then one day near the end of his travels he visited a church in Texas. There in a corner, just as everywhere else he visited, was a golden phone, but the sign read " phone calls to God, 25 cents per minute"
More than intrigued, he could not contain his curiosity and so he asked the pastor, "Father I have traveled the country over and every church I have visited has had one of these phones in the corner. The only difference is there is a HUGE difference in the price of the call. Can you tell me why?...the pastor looked at him with a warm smile and said.....
......."that's easy son, your in Texas.........that makes it a local call!
....
ion
Active member
dunno if this is been posted yet.....
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “are you a real pilot?”
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “are you a real pilot?”
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
What's the square root of 69?
8 something.......
what do you name a 1 legged girl
eileen
where will she work
Ihop
eileen
where will she work
Ihop
guy walking on the beach comes across a lady with no arms or legs laying on a blanket crying ,so says what wrong why are you crying ,she say ive never been kissed before ,so he kisses her and she starts really crying he says whats wrong now she says ive never been fucked ,so he picks her up throws her in the ocean and says your fucked now
mosstrooper
Member
Ok, heres a really nasty joke that you can personalise, it still makes me smile when i think of it because i can refer to a particular local town that a sufficient number of the residents annoy me (yes i know how irrational that is).
Whats the difference between a washing machine and girls from (some hick town)?
You dont have to talk to the washing machine after you've dumped your load in it.
Whats the difference between a washing machine and girls from (some hick town)?
You dont have to talk to the washing machine after you've dumped your load in it.
midgethorse
Member
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your c u n t?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my c u n t!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."
the deaf wife
the deaf wife
DEAF WIFE....."Priceless”
the deaf wife
DEAF WIFE....."Priceless”
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
hahahahaha made me forget what i was going to post hahahahah
a blond walks into the dry-cleaners and drops off a shirt as she is walking out the lady behind the counter says come again the blond turns and says nope toothpaste .
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Paul is standing on the corner when he sees a very strange funeral procession going by. First a hearse, then another hearse, then a man walking his dog, and finally a single-file line of about 50 men.
Paul trots over to the man walking his dog to find out what's going on. The man with the dog tells him, "See that first hearse, that's my wife. She was attacked and killed by my dog here. The second hearse, that's my mother-in-law. She jumped in to try to help and my dog killed her too."
"That's awful!" said Paul . . . then he thought a little and asked the dog walker, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line" said the man.
Paul trots over to the man walking his dog to find out what's going on. The man with the dog tells him, "See that first hearse, that's my wife. She was attacked and killed by my dog here. The second hearse, that's my mother-in-law. She jumped in to try to help and my dog killed her too."
"That's awful!" said Paul . . . then he thought a little and asked the dog walker, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line" said the man.
E
e4ian
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
cus it was dead.
cus it was dead.
BornToBeWild
Member
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
How do you stop a gay guy with pretty legs?.. Give him Roller blades.
This is a True story cut short...Some guy wanting me to kick his ass and his father but both were Ugly and crazy and the son had a cleft lip due to his mother being a alcoholic and who know what else she shoved inside of her.The mother was F-ugly too. Ohhh Good lord !!
So I thought of this joke...
How do you stop a gay guy with a pretty mouth?
Give him a cleft lip!!!
They later moved... lmfao !
This is a True story cut short...Some guy wanting me to kick his ass and his father but both were Ugly and crazy and the son had a cleft lip due to his mother being a alcoholic and who know what else she shoved inside of her.The mother was F-ugly too. Ohhh Good lord !!
So I thought of this joke...
How do you stop a gay guy with a pretty mouth?
Give him a cleft lip!!!
They later moved... lmfao !
designer
Member
Recession got you down?
Recession got you down?
The Recession hits everybody.....
Recession got you down?
The Recession hits everybody.....
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- A stripper was injured when her audience showered her with pennies while she danced.
- I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America ...
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and theyre-possessed her!
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made$1.5 Trillion disappear!
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings,Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
