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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

armedoldhippy

armedoldhippy

Well-known member
Veteran
zebra dies in africa & gets to meet St. Pete at the Gates. Pete looks at him & says "you are the first zebra to come here. it must be because you threw yourself between the attacking lions & the rest of the herd." zebra tells him "yes, i gave my life for others. tell me, Peter. can you answer a question?" Pete replies "well, i'll try, what is it?" zebra comes back "am i a white animal with black stripes, or a black animal with white stripes?" Pete shakes his head & says "i'd save that one for God in the morning". next morning, the zebra is ushered into Gods presence & is duly welcomed. God says "do you have any questions?" zebra says "am i black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?" God looks at him, roars with laughter & tells him "little zebra, you are what you are" at this, an angel leads zebra to the door. St. Pete is outside waiting for him, & the zebra tells him "i still don't know what i am!" & repeats Gods last words to Peter. "silly zebra, its obvious to me that you are a white animal with black stripes." Peter says. "if you were black with white stripes, God would have said "you is what you is..."
 
C

Chief

Member
3 nuns line up to see the pope

the first one looks down has a stroke and falls

the second walks up, looks down, and has a stroke

the third one walks up looks down and says "im not touchin it"
 
SuperSizeMe

SuperSizeMe

A foot without a sock...
Veteran
cloverman said:
the best burn ever 4 a joke its long but good - hey i had a dream about you last night we were walking down the street and we had all kinds of drugs (coke ,weed acid)when we met these 2 chicks they invited us to a party with them if we would share some drugs so we said yes and off we went well u took off some were who knows anyway i met this chick she said hay give me some coke i said suck my dick she said put some coke on it i will suck it off so i did wow it felt good she then said put more on and i did then she started getting rough so i slapped the bitch and the wig fell off and it was YOU
Click to expand...

Yeah...ummm....not sure you should tell that one.


Ever again. :laughing:
 
Nicoli

Nicoli

Active member
Veteran
I just went to wal-mart looking for the game Grand Theft Auto, the lady asked me to describe it to her, i said its about a “dark” guy driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting whores and evading the police… she gave me Tiger Woods 2010.
 
Yes4Prop215

Yes4Prop215

Active member
Veteran
2en10u8.jpg
 
B

Balarama67

Member
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque .. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care .. One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"



ps don't come whining to me about PC - I will simply ignore you.
 
T

Token Treasures

Member
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a sign posted "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted" The woman in the front of us pointed to the sign and remarked "Believe me if I had a biller larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here.
 
Cannawinner

Cannawinner

Senior Member
Veteran
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
 
angel4us

angel4us

Active member
ICMag Donor
ANY BODY OUT THERE BLOW BUBBLES WHEN THEY WERE A KID???

ANY BODY OUT THERE BLOW BUBBLES WHEN THEY WERE A KID???

well he is back in town and wants your new number!!!!! peace
 
T

Token Treasures

Member
A completely inebriated man was strumbling down the street with one foot in the gutter and one on the curb. A cop pulled up and said "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are you absoulutely sure I'm drunk." " Yeah buddy I'm sure, lets go." said the copper. Thank goodness I thought I was a cripple."
 
B

bunnydrawers

Member
A farmer who owns a cow wants to have get her pregnant, another farmer down the road has a bull who is supposed to be the #1 baby maker. Well farmer with the cow decides to take her to the farmer with the bull and "do the deed". The farmer with the bull tells the cow farmer that is she is with calf she will be trying to eat the new green leaves off the trees. The next morning cow farmer wakes up and tells his wife "Martha go to the window" so she does, he then asks her "Martha is that cow eating new greens leaves"? she replies "Why no Jacob". Well he is pissed! he has paid good money to bull farmer. He goes outside and gets a wheelbarrow and picks up the cow and slams her ass down in it and off he goes down the road to farmer bulls. Well they both do the dead again and this time farmer bull says "if she is with calf she will be eating the new green shoots of grass" , so off farmer cow goes back home with her in the wheel barrow. The next morning he asks his wife "Martha go to the window" she does and this time he asks "is that cow eating the new green shoots of grass"? she answers "Why no Jacob" Well he is really pissed this time!! He goes out and gets the cow and Slams her into the wheelbarrow and takes off down the road to farmer bulls. They do the deed again, this time farmer bull tells farmer cow "if she is with calf she will be drinking lots and lots of water" farmer cow again leaves with her in the wheelbarrow. The next morning he tells his wife "Martha go to the window" she does and this time he asks " Martha is that cow drinking lots and lots of water"? she replies "why no Jacob" he asks "is she eating the new green shoots of grass"? she again replies "why no Jacob" he asks again even more angry now "Is she trying to eat the new green leaves on the trees" she once again replies "why no Jacob" He yells "WELL WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING THEN" Martha calmly replies "Waiting in the wheelbarrow" LOL LOL LOL
 
nobull56

nobull56

Member
ICMag Donor
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bud. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lu Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lu Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lu Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Bud


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Bud died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Lu Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bud, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 
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