The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[nobull56]

OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'


Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

 

[nobull56]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

 

[buckeye-leaf]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[s13sr20det]

why is a woman like a bucket of KFC?

because once you're past the tender breast and the juicy thigh all u have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

 

[nobull56]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking.... Scared the hell
out of me.

So that's it!





After today, no more reading.

 

[SUBJECT2MURDER]

A minister is walking home from church one day and see's a man selling the most beautiful looking ham's you had ever seen. So delicious that minister had to stop and buy one, he looks at the man and says so what all have you got in there? the man politely replies Dam Ham! The minister looks at him..."Well since you put it that way I dont think Ill have one, so the man explains that thats just the name. The minister takes it home and has his wife prepare it. After giving thanks the minister ask's his son to pass him the plate of meat, the son doesn't hear him. This time he says it louder "SON, WILL YOU PLEASE PASS ME THE DAM HAM?" The son looks up astonished... "That's the spirit dad! Now pass me the mothafuckin potatoes!"

 

[Token Treasures]

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient chest wall "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes they use to be." remorsed the woman.

 

[Token Treasures]

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

 

[GimmeShelter]

The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Q: How is a paycheck differerent than a penis?

A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

 

[Endo]

These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

[s13sr20det]

I was At 711, and wanted to know how fresh the hotdogs were on the 'grill' an dude says "these dogs were jus put down"....where?! At the pound?!

 

[Bob_Dole]

a little black boy dies and goes to heaven, god gives him wings, and he asks god "am i finally an angel?" god looks at him and says "no nigga, you're a bat"

 

[hunt4genetics]

Need help with a zinger.

can someone fill in the blank.

Having a hot cousin is like....

Thanks in advance.
You cab share here ot pm me.

 

[metameric]

A doctor says to his patient:

"I've got some bad news and some worse news..."

Patient says, "What's the bad news?"

Doctor says, "The bad news is you only have 24 hours to live."

"well what the hell is the worse news?"

"I tried calling you yesterday..."

 

[Bob_Dole]

Need help with a zinger.

can someone fill in the blank.

Having a hot cousin is like....

Having a hot cousin is like great, cause I just fucked her in the ass!

 

[hunt4genetics]

Having a hot cousin is like great, cause I just fucked her in the ass!

Not sure if I can pull that off at my upcomming family reunion, but I like where your head is!

 

[Bob_Dole]

Not sure if I can pull that off at my upcomming family reunion, but I like where your head is!

in my cousin's ass?

 

[cloverman]

the best burn ever 4 a joke its long but good - hey i had a dream about you last night we were walking down the street and we had all kinds of drugs (coke ,weed acid)when we met these 2 chicks they invited us to a party with them if we would share some drugs so we said yes and off we went well u took off some were who knows anyway i met this chick she said hay give me some coke i said suck my dick she said put some coke on it i will suck it off so i did wow it felt good she then said put more on and i did then she started getting rough so i slapped the bitch and the wig fell off and it was YOU

 

[armedoldhippy]

man sees his doc about test results. doc comes in & says "i'm afraid you only have ten to live, mr. smith!" "ten? ten WHAT? years, days, what!" smith shouts. doc continues "nine, eight, seven...."

 

[armedoldhippy]

fellow from ohio state graduates & decides to treat himself to a vacation, wants to go to new orleans. after driving as far as memphis, he stops for night at hotel, & is reading vacation literature in his room. seeing an ad about a mississippi river cruise that goes to new orleans, he decides to go for that. next morning bright & early, he goes down to the docks to the address listed, walks in & says "i'm here for the river cruise!" as soon as he opens his mouth, three burly goons rush into the room & beat him unconcious, tie him to an inner tube, & toss his ass in the river. at dawn the next day, he comes to in an eddy in northern louisiana. spotting another fellow adrift in like fashion, he manages to paddle over to him. seeing the mans OSU ring, he exclaims "hey, i went to ohio state too! tell me, do they serve breakfast on these cruises?" other fellow looks at him & says "well, they didn't last year..."