The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[REDEYE_420]

Q, How do you know when your girlfriend is a slag?
A, When you ask her for a blow-job and she replies "Not tonight I'm tired, just wank into a cup and I'll drink it in the morning"


HAHAHA I love that one!

 

[nobull56]

Can't remember if we had this one?

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, California has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided them-selves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, California has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided them-selves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

[Snagglepuss]

..A man is sitting at a bar ,a pirate walks in
The mans turns to the pirate and says,
Excuse me ,can you tell me why,
Their is a steering wheel on your zipper,
The pirate turns to the man and says,
Aye mate,its driving me nuts.......

 

[kmk420kali]

How Fights Start.......

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he
replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



================





I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'



It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.



So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'



And that's when the fight started....



================





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I



turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'



'No,' she answered.



I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'



So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'



And that's when the fight started...



================





I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would

make her look better at night than the cold cream.



And that's when the fight started......



================





I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order


first.



'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'



He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'



'Nah, she can order for herself.'



And that's when the fight started.....



================





My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

the channels.



She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust.'



And then the fight started...



================





My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.



She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to

200 in about 3 seconds.'



I bought her a scale.



And then the fight started..



================





My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he
sat

alone at a nearby table.



I asked her, 'Do you know him?'



'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to
drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and

I hear he hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'



And then the fight started...



================





I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and


slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know

how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?



Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'



So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'



And then the fight started...



================

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST...





THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife

kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ...


Always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When

I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a

toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep

the driveway.'



The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

 

[nobull56]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed the joint.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'

 

[Londinium]

How many Surrealists does it take to change...........
..........A Lightbulb!

 

[nobull56]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."


The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.



"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..



"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.



The pastor asked him what happened.



"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.



But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man.



"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.



"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.

 

[Endo]

British pilot in WWII is shot down over Germany. He is badly wounded and the German doctors must amputate his right leg. He asks the camp commander a favor. "Please take my leg to the Luftwaffe, and ask them to drop it on their next bombing run on London. I can't bear to think it isn't buried in England." The commandant sees no harm and agrees. A few weeks later, infection claims the other leg, and the same request is asked and granted. A bit later, the pilot is told he will lose his left arm as well, but they will no longer drop the limbs over England. "Why?", he asks, perplexed. The doctor sighs sadly, and tells the pilot "Headquarters thinks you are trying to escape!

 

[kmk420kali]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular
exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and
that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding
up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by
driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits
and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What
does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is
nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily
allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get
even more of goodness that way.. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your
ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of
participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day
in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more
vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it
get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean!
Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain
whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my
lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the
other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO,
what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's
the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots
of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Endo]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[Endo]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

 

[kmk420kali]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

 

[windsoft]

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!“

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I‘m a journalist and I‘ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.“

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?!!!“

 

[tinman]

the national blowjob tournement is this weekend and the master of ceremoneys had asked that yummybud stayed home this year so a woman could win!

jk yummy,i voted ta keep ya!

 

[kmk420kali]

QUESTION:
What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?



ANSWER:
It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road

 

[Endo]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[sparkjumper]

Yo mamas armpitsits sooooo hairy looks like she gots Buckwheat in a headlock!

 

[Endo]

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

 

[Mr. Charlie]

Monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,"hey! what are you doing?" the monkey says,"smoking a joint, come up and have some."

so the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree,ditty bops on to the river. Leans over the river but he's so stoned that he falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to help him to the side,then asks "what's that matter with you?" the lizard explains what he and the monkey did. The crocodile says he's gotta go check out this hippie monkey and walks off into the jungle where he finds the monkey still sitting and toking on the joint.

He looks up and says "hey you!" the monkey looks down and says...

ffuuucccckkk................... dude how much water did you drink!?

 

[buckeye-leaf]

a fella was sitting on a crowded bus and after those bean burritos from earlier his stomach started to turn. he thought "heck ill just let out a big one everytime the bass beat gets goin" once he feels better after about 10 blocks he gets to his stop and when hes walking to get off everyone is looking at him very strangely, thats when he remembered he was listening to his ipod......