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An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'
The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help,and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent.
The rancher replied,
"That would be me."
"I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent.
The rancher replied,
"That would be me."
peter was standing in the crowd at jesus' crucifixion, watching him writhe in pain. jesus hollered "peter, come here, i need you!" peter stepped up to the centurions, & they cut off his arms & threw him back into the crowd. shortly, it happened again. "peter, come here, i need you!" his faith was strong, so up he stepped again. "WHACK!" off with his legs, & back into the crowd. a few minutes later, peter hears jesus' voice again. "peter, come here, i NEED you..." peter rolls around on the ground & manages to crawl between the centurions on his belly, pulling himself along by grabbing roots & rocks by his teeth. he gets to the foot of the cross, & with a herculean effort, rolls over on his back so he can see jesus. he says "i am here, Lord." jesus looks down at him, grins & says "peter, i can see your house from up here..."
and so this guy goes back to the doctors office to have his blood
work diagnosed by Dr. De Meize, "Mr Smith, I have got the worst
news for you today, we've found advanced phase 4 cancer and
you have only 6 months to live." "NO!" shouts Smitty "that just
can't be! I'll change my lifestyle, quit smoking & no more drinking
either!" "I'm sorry Mr Smith nothing you do or do not do now will
matter, 6 months is all you have, I'm so very sorry."
Smitty cries, begs, pleads for more time but the doctor stands firm
on his prognosis. "I'll tell you what Mr Smith, you should go down to
Kansas and marry a fat old farm girl as soon as you can!" "I'll do it"
cries Smitty "but how will that help me live any longer?" It won't at
all" said the doctor, "but I can promise it'll be the longest 6 months
of your life......."
EDIT:
I might have told this one before, please pardon the dupe if I have.
lawyer was duck hunting on a lease in texas one day, when he shot a duck, only to have it land on other side of fence. he crawled thru thee wire & was picking up his duck when he heard a tractor behind him. the farmer hops off & says "what are you doing on my land?" lawyer sez "i am an attorney, & i am retrieving my duck. if you try to stop me, i will sue you!" farmer replies "that aint how we settle disputes around here, ol' son. down here we use the "three kick" method. i kick you 3 times, you kick me 3 times, & so on until one of us gives up." lawyer thinks a moment & says to himself "this guy looks to be 85 years old. i can take his ancient ass.." "OK, mister yer on!" farmer walks up & plants his boot in the lawyers crotch, driving him to his knees, then kicks him in the chin, nearly leaving him senseless. for his 3rd kick, he walks around behind the attorney & kicks him square in the ass, driving him face first into a fresh cow pie on the ground. lawyer staggers to his feet & snarls "OK you old bastard! now it's MY turn!" farmer looks at him & shakes his head, saying "naw, i give up, you can keep the duck..."
so, these 3 morons were sitting around one day talking about their favorite holidays. first one goes, i like Easter. you go out & cut an easter tree, give folks presents and..." "THAT aint Easter!" sez the 2nd one. "Easter is when you carve a pumpkin, & soap peoples windows, & hand out ca..." "NO, you bozo! THAT aint Easter either" goes the 3rd "YOU know, EASTER! when Christ was crucified, then they put him in a tomb, & on the 3rd day, the stone rolled away. & He was ALIVE, & stepped out & saw his shadow & we had 6 more weeks of bad weather..." sorry, had to get that one out of my system...
A Holocaust survivor wins 50 million in the lottery. He sets up all his friends and family, and they all celebrate. Then he donates 50,000 to the nazi party, and his family is pissed. The survivor says "what they gave me the numbers" as he points to his wrist. "paul mooney"
I am jewish sorta btw. so hate me if you will, but that shit is funny. lol
I am jewish sorta btw. so hate me if you will, but that shit is funny. lol
G
Ganja D
two blonds are walking home one day. They decide to take a short cut through the woods when they stumbled upon a set of tracks. "Those must be deer tracks" says the first blond, "No,no those are way too big to be deer tracks, they must be bear tracks" says the second.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Roses are red
violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I.......
pidgensheit
Member
What does a blondes mother say to her daughter before she goes out?
"If you're not in bed by 10pm come home"
"If you're not in bed by 10pm come home"
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..'
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..'
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
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I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
.
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.
.
.
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I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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.
two guys were getting ready to play a round of golf one morning. first one tees up his ball & takes a practice swing to loosen up. as he does so, his buddy says "hey man. your ball looks different. what kind is it?" man tells him "this aint no ordinary golf ball. it won't slice, & it won't hook. if you hit it into the water, it floats. if you hit it into tall grass, it will start beeping in 2 minutes so you can get it. pretty cool..." "that sounds GREAT!" his buddy says. "where can i buy a few?" "beats me" his friend says "i found this one..."
A question of terminology
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course", the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer."
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course", the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer."
A little humor with a good moral.
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. Even shorten your life..
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Sharing is caring!
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. Even shorten your life..
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Sharing is caring!
bigtopsfinn
Member
Little Tony
Little Tony
I like this kid!!!
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but ifyou had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"
Little Tony
I like this kid!!!
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but ifyou had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"
loudthoughts
Member
man sees doctor. doctor tells him he has cancer of the lungs; and on top of that he has developed alzheimers. man says "phew, thought you were going to tell me i had cancer."
whop whop whop..
whop whop whop..
