How do you stop an angry Pitbull from humping your leg?
Get down on the floor and suck his cock.
Get down on the floor and suck his cock.
-
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You must be quite the dog trainer.
I'll leave that to you Gypsna
.
I'll leave that to you Gypsna
.
I used to know a couple of fellas that were always getting hold of car spares , repairing cars then selling them on at great profit . It turns out that this massive scrap yard guarded by 2 Doberman dogs during the night was being visited regular by these fellas , they would climb a back fence in the dark . The ace mechanic could strip out any part in near complete darkness & never leave any tools behind while his mate used to give the dogs a wank to keep them quiet .
When these 2 fellas used to visit the scrapyard during the day to suss out the parts they needed the dogs used to go nuts as soon as they saw them through the kennel fence . Ain`t love grand . This is a true story .
It all ended in tears though, when the scrapyard owner got a french mastiff which was into facials.
Back when I was a young and dumb, and fulla cum, normal 16 year old boy, I heard a rumor I sure hoped was true. The rumor was that the best hash was made in the mid-east, taken from the bodies naked virgins who ran through fields of cannabis flapping their arms during the late afternoon of a hot day. Then the resin was scraped off their glistening bodies and dried.
I sure hoped that was true anyway. Made me want hash even more. Never found any pubic hairs in my hash though, must have all been scraped from their arms. Still looking closely for it though.
I sure hoped that was true anyway. Made me want hash even more. Never found any pubic hairs in my hash though, must have all been scraped from their arms. Still looking closely for it though.
You must have been easily led , considering the natives of those countries do you honestly think that naked virgins running around fields while the hairy bearded bastards sat there smoking their pipes & telling the women what to do would actually remain virgins ?
Back when I was a young and dumb, and fulla cum, normal 16 year old boy, I heard a rumor I sure hoped was true. The rumor was that the best hash was made in the mid-east, taken from the bodies naked virgins who ran through fields of cannabis flapping their arms during the late afternoon of a hot day. Then the resin was scraped off their glistening bodies and dried.
I sure hoped that was true anyway. Made me want hash even more. Never found any pubic hairs in my hash though, must have all been scraped from their arms. Still looking closely for it though.
I'm pretty sure that notion was in Mr Nice, and I know it was in Patrick Lane's (Marks's Bro-in-law) book because I read that fairly recently.
NO honestly, I'm kidding.
I thought I was in the joke forum?
Those same bearded dudes are the ones keeping terrorists hopes alive by telling them those same 70 virgins will wait hand and foot on suicide bombers in paradise. Seems like it works sometimes. I guess I'm not the only gullible idiot in this world.
The few, the proud, the stupid.
MHBGuy
Active member
Never heard that tale before, dddaver. I kind of like it. It's nice to think that maybe some of that hash I smoked way back in the day might have been scraped from the underside of some young doe-eyed lusty young princess's breast.
Sadly with my luck, if I found a hair 'twould likely be from the mustache of some old grandma with breasts down to her knees and caked with the world's most fragrant hashish!
Sadly with my luck, if I found a hair 'twould likely be from the mustache of some old grandma with breasts down to her knees and caked with the world's most fragrant hashish!
But seriously, that story circulated round here too. Didn't made me wanting to smoke more though (same reason like MHBGuy).
That story has been around for a very long time.
No truth to it.
In the '60s they said, the naked virgins were from the old days.
Claimed that now, young men in leather aprons would run through the fields and they would then scrape the resin from the aprons.
Also horse exhaust.
Got a neighbor that was working in Afghanistan.
He was working for the military there and is as straight as they get.
He asked a local how hash is made.
This is what the guy told him.
"We make a large haystack of cannabis in a room with concrete walls.
Then we set fire to the cannabis and seal the room to let it smolder for days.
The resin condenses on the cool walls as hashish.
We just peel it off, cut it into slabs and sell it."
Obvious fnords!
If they told everybody how simple it actually is to make your own hash, they might have to get real jobs, yah?
I had just finished smoking some dry sift while I was making a run of full melt bubble.
The bubble hash was sitting on my dresser, drying.
You'd have been proud of me guys.
I kept a straight face and said, "no kidding? I've always wondered how they made that stuff".
Aloha,
Weeze
No truth to it.
In the '60s they said, the naked virgins were from the old days.
Claimed that now, young men in leather aprons would run through the fields and they would then scrape the resin from the aprons.
Also horse exhaust.
Got a neighbor that was working in Afghanistan.
He was working for the military there and is as straight as they get.
He asked a local how hash is made.
This is what the guy told him.
"We make a large haystack of cannabis in a room with concrete walls.
Then we set fire to the cannabis and seal the room to let it smolder for days.
The resin condenses on the cool walls as hashish.
We just peel it off, cut it into slabs and sell it."
Obvious fnords!
If they told everybody how simple it actually is to make your own hash, they might have to get real jobs, yah?
I had just finished smoking some dry sift while I was making a run of full melt bubble.
The bubble hash was sitting on my dresser, drying.
You'd have been proud of me guys.
I kept a straight face and said, "no kidding? I've always wondered how they made that stuff".
Aloha,
Weeze
Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ!!" The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
twistedthreads
Active member
LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
What's the difference between a Chickpea, and a Lentil?
Nobody ever pays £300 to have a lentil on their face.
Nobody ever pays £300 to have a lentil on their face.
