The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Bud Green]

Hope you like this one better!

Hope you like this one better!

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

 

[Hank Hemp]

See, when you try, even you Bud can be funny. Sometimes!

 

[Iffy]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Montana. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[Iffy]

"I was watching the execution of Saddam Hussein the other day and I thought to myself - is there nothing on the internet....that I won't masturbate to?"
Frankie Boyle

 

[Iffy]

A sad excerpt from my Uncle Jock's diary.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery, high up in the hills of the back country. I agreed to play for this man's funeral, as I had nothing to do that weekend.
The day arrived and I headed for the highlands. As I was not familiar with the northern mountains, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop to ask for directions.

Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating some lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this unknown man and the 'spirit' really got into me.

And as I brought the preceedings to a close by playing ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept and I wept, in fact we all wept together. I packed up my bagpipes and wistfully started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full of emotions.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I nee'r seen nothin’ like that afore and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

"I was watching the execution of Saddam Hussein the other day and I thought to myself - is there nothing on the internet....that I won't masturbate to?"
Frankie Boyle

Or..
"Did you see the Terry Pratchett documentary on assisted suicide? I just couldn't watch it.......because I was cumming so hard my glasses fell off!"

or "What's that Joker...you'll be back? Somehow, I don't think you will be!"

 

[Bud Green]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband at least once a day. If you do this for the next 6 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
She replied, "He told me you're going to die."

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Weezard]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories.
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

 

[stasis]

A Roman Centurion rolls into a dispensary and puts up two fingers..
"Lemme have 5 grams of your best, Sir."

 

[Bud Green]

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under psychiatric observation when it was found he owned more than 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. By Southern California standards, apparently someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In North Carolina, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Wisconsin he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas and Texas he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

In Kentucky he'd just be "Cledus….My buddy who is a little short on ammo."

 

[armedoldhippy]

question-"do you know what the newly empowered woman did first when she came home from the battered womens shelter?
answer-"the damn dishes, if she knows what is good for her..." sorry, just had to get that one outta my system...

 

[Hank Hemp]

That's funny Bud real funny!! "LOL"< sarcasm

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Bud Green]

View Image

Good one....

Crap, I didn't get to finish my comment to your thumbs up...

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
than a frontal labotomy.....

 

[5th]

"one morning I shot an elephant in my pajama's....how he got in my pajama's....I dunno"

As Hanks a big fan of the oldies....I thought I'd drop that lil' gem from the Marx brothers.

 

[Hank Hemp]

First I tried to remove the tusks. Couldn't move them, ofcourse in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.

 

[Bud Green]

First I tried to remove the tusks. Couldn't move them, ofcourse in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.

...and you say MY jokes are bad?

 

[Hank Hemp]

Bud you need to watch night at the opera.