If I bought 99 luft balloons for 5 pounds, how much should I value them at after adjusting for inflation?
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Depends if they're filled with helium or air... good luck weighing 5 pounds if it's the former 
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dude floatin on the ocean, ship comes by, "you need help?"
"no, god will help me."
another ship.... "come on climb up, we will save you!"
"no, god will save me."
dude dies. goes to heaven.asks god "why u didn't save me?"
God replies... " I sent your dumb ass two ships."
"no, god will help me."
another ship.... "come on climb up, we will save you!"
"no, god will save me."
dude dies. goes to heaven.asks god "why u didn't save me?"
God replies... " I sent your dumb ass two ships."
Not so much a joke but it made me laugh .
Geezer in Malaysia pays £100 for a penis enlarger , when it arrived he found a £5 magnifying glass with the instructions not to use in sunlight .
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ifying-glass-warning-Do-not-use-sunlight.html
Geezer in Malaysia pays £100 for a penis enlarger , when it arrived he found a £5 magnifying glass with the instructions not to use in sunlight .
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ifying-glass-warning-Do-not-use-sunlight.html
T
tropicannayeah
Phillip's Head?
damn, if Phillip can get away with it then so will I... if I ever invent a new hammer I'm gonna call if Tropicanna's Blow Job
damn, if Phillip can get away with it then so will I... if I ever invent a new hammer I'm gonna call if Tropicanna's Blow Job
Reminds me of those old scams in the back of magazines.... Stuff like "Send £10 for the secret of how to never pay another telephone bill.", and when it comes it is a sheet of paper with instructions on calling your provider and requesting disconnection. Or "50 cigarette lighters for £3" and they send you a box of matches.
I liked the guaranteed bug killer.
Will kill any bug or your money back.
They sent two blocks of wood, labeled A. and B. with a piece of string attaching them at one end.
The instructions stated.
"1. Catch bug.
2. Place bug on block- B.
Bring block A down sharply.
Dead bug."
Will kill any bug or your money back.
They sent two blocks of wood, labeled A. and B. with a piece of string attaching them at one end.
The instructions stated.
"1. Catch bug.
2. Place bug on block- B.
Bring block A down sharply.
Dead bug."
T
tropicannayeah
Or "50 cigarette lighters for £3" and they send you a box of matches.
orthere's 50 coat hangers = 50 small nails
and let's not mention sea monkeys!
orthere's 50 coat hangers = 50 small nails
and let's not mention sea monkeys!
This one is politically incorrect but it's not intended to be racist in any way:
There was that new exchange student somewhere from the deepest Africa who also joined sports class. At the end of the first one, under the showers, everyone was like 'WOHOO dude, that's heavy artillery you got down there!' and 'Man, I wish I had even just half of THAT!'... It must have been little Johnny who tipped him on the shoulder (likely he just got up to his elbow) and whispered 'Jo bro, I know that thing ain't right. You're cheating, I just know it.' The big African fellow bent down and said with his deep voice 'You got me! But pssst, don't tell anybody!' Whereupon little Johnny puffed up and said 'Okay, I won't IF you tell me how you do it!' The black guy told him that where he came from, everybody started as small (err... maybe not really that small) as the white boys here. To maintain prejudice, they would take a heavy duty cord and tie up some brick stone or a lead weight on it for a few weeks. But really tighten up well, not that the weights slip off. Easy-peasy .
After the sports lesson the following week, little Johnny sneaked up on the big guy and whispered 'Jo bro, I think it starts working!' That one answered rather astonished 'Really? Did it get bigger?'
With an impish smile, little Johnny replied 'Naw, not yet. But look man, it already turned black!'
There was that new exchange student somewhere from the deepest Africa who also joined sports class. At the end of the first one, under the showers, everyone was like 'WOHOO dude, that's heavy artillery you got down there!' and 'Man, I wish I had even just half of THAT!'... It must have been little Johnny who tipped him on the shoulder (likely he just got up to his elbow) and whispered 'Jo bro, I know that thing ain't right. You're cheating, I just know it.' The big African fellow bent down and said with his deep voice 'You got me! But pssst, don't tell anybody!' Whereupon little Johnny puffed up and said 'Okay, I won't IF you tell me how you do it!' The black guy told him that where he came from, everybody started as small (err... maybe not really that small) as the white boys here. To maintain prejudice, they would take a heavy duty cord and tie up some brick stone or a lead weight on it for a few weeks. But really tighten up well, not that the weights slip off. Easy-peasy
.After the sports lesson the following week, little Johnny sneaked up on the big guy and whispered 'Jo bro, I think it starts working!' That one answered rather astonished 'Really? Did it get bigger?'
With an impish smile, little Johnny replied 'Naw, not yet. But look man, it already turned black!'
David Cameron has said that the selection of Jean-Claude Juncker as head of the EU Commission would be a "Back door power grab."
First time I've heard a reacharound called that.
First time I've heard a reacharound called that.
S
Spider Crab
Gordon and Philip are camping by the river and Gordon needs to relieve himself, so he walks to a tree nearby and starts to wee.
While he is relieving himself a poisonous snake jumps up and bites him on the penis.
He lets out a groan of pain and calls Philip over for help.
Philip sees the snake slithering away and realises it is a highly venomous snake, so he tells Gordon that he will call the hospital and ask what he should do.....
The nurse on the other end says that you must immediately put your mouth over the wound and suck the venom out and then spit it out.
Philip hangs up and Gordon asks 'What did the doctor say?'
Philip says 'Sorry Gordon, you are going to die'
While he is relieving himself a poisonous snake jumps up and bites him on the penis.
He lets out a groan of pain and calls Philip over for help.
Philip sees the snake slithering away and realises it is a highly venomous snake, so he tells Gordon that he will call the hospital and ask what he should do.....
The nurse on the other end says that you must immediately put your mouth over the wound and suck the venom out and then spit it out.
Philip hangs up and Gordon asks 'What did the doctor say?'
Philip says 'Sorry Gordon, you are going to die'
There was that dude jogging through the forest when all of a sudden, biology demanded its price and he urgently had to take a dump.
Crouching behind the next tree and just starting to push, he heard a strange noise. Feeling uncomfortable, he began having the impression of being watched too... With his trousers half way up he hopped over the trail into the next denser bushes.
Relief just wanted to spread through his tensed muscles and his bowels started moving anew when that scary whispering sound reached his ears again. With one hand pressing a napkin against his rear to hold it in and the other on his belt to lift his trousers barely high enough he stumbled back to the trail. Red headed and cramped from tip to toe he more fell than walked along the dirt track hoping for a quiet place.
That was when he encountered another jogger who looked at him half offended half amused. Our poor fellow just managed to unlock his jaw far enough to ask 'Sorry for the inconvenience, but would it bother you to watch while I take a dump?'
He must have been such a pitiable sight that the passerby didn't thought about calling the police or something of that sort but asked instead 'What is it? You look like it's a matter of life and death!'. 'It is indeed! Each time I want to, and I reeeally need to, there's that strange sound and I start feeling hunted!'
Well... things seemed to get better and the two of them, one supporting the other who nearly couldn't anymore, disappeared in the shrubbery.
Alas, when he cowered down quickly, he stood up as fast! 'You hear that? There it was again! Did you see anyone?'
The guy overseeing the situation, leaning all laid-back against a tree, replied 'Relax hombre, that's just your haemorrhoids munching grass!'
Crouching behind the next tree and just starting to push, he heard a strange noise. Feeling uncomfortable, he began having the impression of being watched too... With his trousers half way up he hopped over the trail into the next denser bushes.
Relief just wanted to spread through his tensed muscles and his bowels started moving anew when that scary whispering sound reached his ears again. With one hand pressing a napkin against his rear to hold it in and the other on his belt to lift his trousers barely high enough he stumbled back to the trail. Red headed and cramped from tip to toe he more fell than walked along the dirt track hoping for a quiet place.
That was when he encountered another jogger who looked at him half offended half amused. Our poor fellow just managed to unlock his jaw far enough to ask 'Sorry for the inconvenience, but would it bother you to watch while I take a dump?'
He must have been such a pitiable sight that the passerby didn't thought about calling the police or something of that sort but asked instead 'What is it? You look like it's a matter of life and death!'. 'It is indeed! Each time I want to, and I reeeally need to, there's that strange sound and I start feeling hunted!'
Well... things seemed to get better and the two of them, one supporting the other who nearly couldn't anymore, disappeared in the shrubbery.
Alas, when he cowered down quickly, he stood up as fast! 'You hear that? There it was again! Did you see anyone?'
The guy overseeing the situation, leaning all laid-back against a tree, replied 'Relax hombre, that's just your haemorrhoids munching grass!'
Numpty , this one made me laugh , how can people be so stupid ?
A man with an £18,000 cannabis farm in his front room was arrested after accidentally dialling 999 from the house.
The 42-year-old suspect somehow rang the emergency number from a landline at the property in Hawewater Avenue, Crewe, Cheshire, at around 2pm yesterday.
The call was logged as an abandoned emergency call - and police officers were dispatched to check on the welfare of the caller.
But when they knocked on the door and went inside they found 18 mature cannabis plants being grown in the front room - each with an estimated street value of £1,000.
After the unusual drugs bust, Crewe Police tweeted: "Epic fail of the day goes to the man in Crewe who rang 999 by accident. We arrived to check he was safe... and found his cannabis farm!"
Local beat manager Pc Shelley Woods, of Cheshire Police, said: "The circumstances around this call being made beggars belief. We don't often find people in this position as accommodating to police inquiries."
A spokesman for the Cheshire force said: "Shortly before 2pm yesterday police received an abandoned emergency call originating from the Crewe area.
"As a result, local officers attended an address on Haweswater Avenue to carry out a concern for welfare check on the caller.
"On arrival, it emerged that the occupant of the property had dialled in error; however, a large number of suspected cannabis plants were discovered in the front room of the house.
"A 42-year-old local man has been arrested in connection with the discovery."
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https://uk.news.yahoo.com/drugs-bust-999-call-blunder-095816369.html#iWwP2xU
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A man with an £18,000 cannabis farm in his front room was arrested after accidentally dialling 999 from the house.
The 42-year-old suspect somehow rang the emergency number from a landline at the property in Hawewater Avenue, Crewe, Cheshire, at around 2pm yesterday.
The call was logged as an abandoned emergency call - and police officers were dispatched to check on the welfare of the caller.
But when they knocked on the door and went inside they found 18 mature cannabis plants being grown in the front room - each with an estimated street value of £1,000.
After the unusual drugs bust, Crewe Police tweeted: "Epic fail of the day goes to the man in Crewe who rang 999 by accident. We arrived to check he was safe... and found his cannabis farm!"
Local beat manager Pc Shelley Woods, of Cheshire Police, said: "The circumstances around this call being made beggars belief. We don't often find people in this position as accommodating to police inquiries."
A spokesman for the Cheshire force said: "Shortly before 2pm yesterday police received an abandoned emergency call originating from the Crewe area.
"As a result, local officers attended an address on Haweswater Avenue to carry out a concern for welfare check on the caller.
"On arrival, it emerged that the occupant of the property had dialled in error; however, a large number of suspected cannabis plants were discovered in the front room of the house.
"A 42-year-old local man has been arrested in connection with the discovery."
..
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/drugs-bust-999-call-blunder-095816369.html#iWwP2xU
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The missus came home and said "I've been to the gynecologist today, and he says I can't have sex for a month!", and the mister said
"What did the dentist say?".
"What did the dentist say?".
what did the green grape say to the red grape?
breathe stupid!
breathe stupid!
BigJohnny
Member
I didn't see this so I apologize if it's been posted here.... but here's my entry
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Well, cases where women profit from epidural anaesthesia or caesarean are increasing... Though, I never heard a guy asking for an anaesthesia to enjoy a kick in the nuts without all the pain
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