The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

Not really a joke, but a guardian comment, and someone's reply to it, which tickled me.

Menotti
03 April 2014 9:17pm

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4
Since when do you get boob jobs on the NHS?




nomadicme
04 April 2014 2:02am

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0
I second that question, I really want an answer, and does my wife have to agree to it, or can I just sign her up for it?

 

[trichrider]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin

from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of

her own skin.


However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable

would have to come from her buttocks. Owing to the sensitive nature of the

situation...they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin

came from.




After the surgery.....everyone was astounded at the

man's new face. He looked more handsome than ever! All his friends and relatives

raved about his youthful appearance...especially his mother!




One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with

emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for

everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'





'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I

see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A young farmhand was arrested for stealing hay.
It's OK though, they let him out on bale.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Sad Harry Sad!

 

[Harry Gypsna]

If Bob Geldof didn't like Mondays before, he's going to fucking hate them now.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Ain't that the truth.

 

[trichrider]

maximizing retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went downtown and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "asshole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Just after the Officer left, our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012 stickers.



We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[trichrider]

Quote of the day by Dianne Feinstein........



Dianne Feinstein: "All vets are mentally ill in some way and government
should prevent them from owning firearms."



Yep, - she really said it on Thursday in a meeting in front of the Senate
Judiciary Committee... and the quote below from the LA Times is priceless.
Sometimes even the L.A. Times gets it right.



Kurt Nimmo: "Senator Feinstein insults all U.S. Veterans as she flays about
in a vain attempt to save her anti-firearms bill."



Quote of the Day from the Los Angeles Times:



"Frankly, I don't know what it is about California, but we seem to have a
strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I'm not
bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes
close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we're
Number One. There's no getting around the fact that the last time anyone
saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters, and Nancy
Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on
'Macbeth'. The four of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the
gift of blab. You don't know if you should condemn them for their stupidity
or simply marvel at their ability to form words."



Columnist Burt Prelutsky,
Los Angeles Times



Be sure to forward this to all of the "mentally ill" vets you know.
Especially the ones with guns...

no joke.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Hey, I resemble that remark! Well the wife says I have PTSD. I don't know I just thought the Nam drove me nuts. Reefer helps, for sure.

 

[Iffy]

A bad day.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." I sniffed a bit more, before adding; "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you feeling?"

 

[Weezard]

OK.
Long as were doing antique classics. . .
"Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish Lab Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.



Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."



"What's the bad news?", asks Ole



"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."



"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

 

[Hank Hemp]

That was lame

 

[Weezard]

And extremely old.
But Iffy started it

 

[justpassnthru]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin

from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of

her own skin.


However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable

would have to come from her buttocks. Owing to the sensitive nature of the

situation...they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin

came from.




After the surgery.....everyone was astounded at the

man's new face. He looked more handsome than ever! All his friends and relatives

raved about his youthful appearance...especially his mother!




One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with

emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for

everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'





'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I

see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

LOL, that is actually a true story; my chiropractor was scalded with hot boiling water while plucking chickens(as a child), the face is now her buttock skin. When an unsavory Internist was going to kiss her, she turned her face so he could kiss her ass. And laughs about it, all the time. jpt

 

[Hank Hemp]

 

[trichrider]

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now.

 

[dddaver]

 

[5th]

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabells friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

 

[trichrider]

the most versatile word in the English language.

[YOUTUBEIF]Dl1i656Ja2I[/YOUTUBEIF]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl1i656Ja2I

 

[Jaymer]

Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
A: Designer jeans