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I'm all out of rep power for today.......
twistedthreads
Active member
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: "I found the remote".
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: "I found the remote".
I'm all out of rep power for today.......
That's what I'm telling jelly too.
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldnt handle it anymore so they buried her.
S
SPG*
I'm all out of rep power for today.......
Me too. :-/.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree. Cus it was dead
Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Silver old pal, please listen real careful!"
"FOR...THE...LAST...TIME........ "BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Silver old pal, please listen real careful!"
"FOR...THE...LAST...TIME........ "BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
The Jewish ELBOW;
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......
"What..... You're coming empty handed?"
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......
"What..... You're coming empty handed?"
Rob Ford has apparently been getting attention again, this time by objecting to the city flying a rainbow flag during the winter olympics. It seems that Mr Ford has never been to the cities Pride parade in his official role, claiming the date always clashes with a trip to a family cottage.
So Rob Ford doesn't go to pride because he's too busy cottaging? Might want to run that by the press officer mate.
So Rob Ford doesn't go to pride because he's too busy cottaging? Might want to run that by the press officer mate.
copy & paste , but i thought it was worth sharing
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
It was tense.
When you ASSUME - you make an ASS of U & ME!
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
The first town he gets to, he breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties the young fella to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife;
“Listen honey, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She arches one eyebrow and says; “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
The first town he gets to, he breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties the young fella to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife;
“Listen honey, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She arches one eyebrow and says; “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
A Welshman, A Scotsman & an Englishman walked into a bar. The barman said; "This has got to be a fuckin' joke!"
Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.
"Oh I see," replied the boy. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at School."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are There 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad Replied,
"Those are for married men.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.
"Oh I see," replied the boy. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at School."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are There 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad Replied,
"Those are for married men.
I don't know, this is older than the riverside, so chances are someone still didn't hear.
Indian father sits by the fire at night, the youngest of his sons approaches and asks him
- why my eldest sister is called Crescent Moon?
- because she was conceived in the night of the Crescent Moon
- and my eldest brother, why is he called Howling Wolf?
- when conceiving him, your mother and i could hear the wolf howling
- then is my second brother Thunder Light, why is he called so?
- i remember too well that night we conceived him, big storm coming.
- i see... but what about my other sister Red Cloud?
- as you can guess, that was the colour of the sky the evening she was conceived. Now, there's a lot of hunting to do tomorrow, go to bed and no more questions, Broken Rubber
Indian father sits by the fire at night, the youngest of his sons approaches and asks him
- why my eldest sister is called Crescent Moon?
- because she was conceived in the night of the Crescent Moon
- and my eldest brother, why is he called Howling Wolf?
- when conceiving him, your mother and i could hear the wolf howling
- then is my second brother Thunder Light, why is he called so?
- i remember too well that night we conceived him, big storm coming.
- i see... but what about my other sister Red Cloud?
- as you can guess, that was the colour of the sky the evening she was conceived. Now, there's a lot of hunting to do tomorrow, go to bed and no more questions, Broken Rubber
