The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Iffy]

A very moving story, kinda restores your faith in human nature!

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at the Builder's Merchants deliver the fucking bricks on time!'

 

[Iffy]

MY DOG
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants wearing Labour tee shirts, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three Union flag burners, and a Jimmy Savile look-alike…….

FOR THE LAST TIME...

MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

 

[LEF]

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

 

[LEF]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.

''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''

The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

 

[LEF]

for all the southern folks in the house :

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs and no balls?
Still no fuckin' ideer!

 

[Eighths-n-Aces]

a mother send her son across the street to watch some construction workers so she can have a minutes peace and when he comes back she asks him what he learned

the kid answers " i learned to install a door, a fucking door which is easy enough, but the dip shit truck driver dropped the godamn thing and bent the frame so we actually had to beat the shit out the brick to make the cocksucker fit then call a mason to clean up the mess for christ's sake and after all that the boss has the balls to say it aint his problem can you believe that sorry bastard?

his mom looks at him and says "wait till you father gets home" and sends him to his room

dad gets home and asks the kid what he said to his mom. the kid repeats the story and his dad says " boy you go out and get me a switch!"

kid looks at dad and says " fuck you, thats the electricians job"

 

[LEF]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t
even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

 

[LEF]

A father leaves work a little late one night and, while on his way home, he remembers that he
has not yet purchased a christmas gift for his young daughter. He quickly parks his car in
front of a toy store and asks the salesperson:
“How much is the Barbie in the window?”
With a convincing voice, the salesperson replies, “Well, we have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for
$19.95, ‘Barbie plays Volleyball’ for $19.95, ‘Barbie goes Shopping’ for $19.95, ‘Barbie goes
to the Beach’ for $19.95, and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $265.95.”
The surprised man asks, “What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are
only $19.95?”
The salesperson responds, “Sir, the ‘Divorced Barbie’ comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house,
Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s computer, and one of Ken’s friends.”

 

[Iffy]

Cruelty to animals.

I heard a terrible racket in the street this morning and went to investigate. I opened the front door and saw four hooligans in Arsenal shirts playing football with a sorry looking cat.
I pulled out my mobile phone wondering who I should call - the Police? Maybe the RSPCA?
I decided on the latter and began to dial.
I stopped dialling and put away my phone when the cat suddenly went one goal up!

 

[Harry Gypsna]

a mother send her son across the street to watch some construction workers so she can have a minutes peace and when he comes back she asks him what he learned

the kid answers " i learned to install a door, a fucking door which is easy enough, but the dip shit truck driver dropped the godamn thing and bent the frame so we actually had to beat the shit out the brick to make the cocksucker fit then call a mason to clean up the mess for christ's sake and after all that the boss has the balls to say it aint his problem can you believe that sorry bastard?

his mom looks at him and says "wait till you father gets home" and sends him to his room

dad gets home and asks the kid what he said to his mom. the kid repeats the story and his dad says " boy you go out and get me a switch!"

kid looks at dad and says " fuck you, thats the electricians job"

[YOUTUBEIF]0iGoMTFqsX0[/YOUTUBEIF]

 

[Harry Gypsna]

EDIT
Dammit, wrong thread.

 

[MJBadger]

Dammit, wrong thread.

You smoking that druggy stuff again ?

 

[Only Ornamental]

There's that saying that in Japan they have 750 ways to say 'yes' but not to say 'no'. The good thing is, if you want to drag a Japanese girl/boy, you only need her/him to say one...
Is that why ICMag has now only one way to say 'yes' and non to say 'no'?

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Those brilliant scientists have finally come up with the Male morning after pill.

It doesn't prevent pregnancy, it changes your DNA to prevent this

 

[Baked Alaskan]

Went to the new zoo in town but they only had one dog, it was a shih tzu.

 

[LEF]

Those brilliant scientists have finally come up with the Male morning after pill.

It doesn't prevent pregnancy, it changes your DNA to prevent this

View Image

i'm surprised you know about that american show

 

[Harry Gypsna]

i'm surprised you know about that american show

On every day here.... My gran loves it. I remember one, the chick had brought like 8 different men on the show, and none of em was the dad. My grans conclusion "Mucky bitch"

 

[Baked Alaskan]

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?





Because they are ugly and smell bad.

 

[hup234]

It takes a real man to survive in Alaska...99% are husky fuckers

 

[MJBadger]

Little 7yr old Abenobbobobo has to getup at 5am every morning leave her mud hut & walk 15 miles in dry dusty conditions to the nearest water hole & fill up her 5gal bottle with filthy water that is full of parasites that can kill or cause blindness & full of cattle shit & piss . She then has to walk 15miles back home with this heavy plastic bottle strapped to her back getting back to her mud hut as it`s getting dark .
Please text Water to 6749573 to donate £5 a month to help build a clean water hole so the cattle don`t have to drink their own shit & piss .