The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Iffy]

CROW DEATHS

Researchers for the RSPB found over 200 dead crows in Camborne recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death, to everyone's surprise appeared to be vehicular impacts!
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The RSPB then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
"When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. I soon discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!" not a single one could shout "Truck!"

 

[Iffy]

SAUSAGES .............. RACIST?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I like Vension, but it is a bit dear.

 

[Weezard]

They appear to be the only ones that can say "truck".

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man rushes into the house with a big smile on his face, acting really excited.
"Come on love" he says to the wife, "Get the suitcases, I've won the Lotto!"
"Ooooh, lovely." Says the Wife, "Where are we going?"

"We bollocks." says the man "Pack yer bags and fook off."

 

[stasis]

Priest and a Rabbi walking down the street see a Young Boy playing ball.

Priest says, "Wanna Fuck Him..?"

Rabbi replies, " Outta What..?"

(Non-denominational slur on 2 organized religions..... )

 

[Iffy]

AIR FORCE 1 DOWN.

A large bodied jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smouldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
You do realize that is Air Force One? The airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer answered, "I done buried them all myself, took me most of the morning."
"Are you saying that President Obama is dead?" The sheriff asked, appalled.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sun'bitch lies."

 

[twistedthreads]

How to give a cat a pill..


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Your Mum's so fat, that when she fell down the stairs, I thought Eastenders had finished.

Your Mum's so fat, the last time fucked her, it counted as a threesome.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What did the dentist say to the hooker?
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Scotland yard have announced the outcome of the "Body in a holdall" case. It seems the young MI5 operative climbed into the bag himself, zipped himself inside, then from inside the bag placed the bag in the bathtub, and finally somehow wiped his fingerprints off the padlock and the tub, whilst inside said padlocked bag.

Seems legit.

 

[chuckyoufarley]

^^^^with the keys i might add^^^^^

 

[Harry Gypsna]

^^^^with the keys i might add^^^^^

Someone needs to make a "Sceptical African boy" meme from the details of this case.
I would, but alas, I'm a lazy bastard.

http://memegenerator.net/instance/43044038


Apparently not that lazy.

 

[noyd666]

HOUDINI IS ALIVE AND WELL.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

HOUDINI IS ALIVE AND WELL.

Not this particular one... that's kinda the point.

 

[Iffy]

At the end of the day, Scotland Yard do exactly what they're fuckin' told!
Same shit, different day!

 

[Iffy]

I like Vension, but it is a bit dear.

I'm not sure we can let you get away with that one Harry!

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I'm not sure we can let you get away with that one Harry!

Too late mate, if not disputed within 24 hours, the joke stands, and is hereafter acknowledged as funny, by default.


I didn't make the rules





(I may have just made that rule.... a little bit)

 

[Harry Gypsna]

The NYC chief of Police said "We will never forget 9/11"
I hope not mate, it's your fucking phone number.


There are only 2 ways to have sex with an Orangutan
1=Very carefully
2= every which way but loose.


Has anyone else noticed that Michael Jackson's dancing deteriorated as he got whiter and whiter.....

 

[Weezard]

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.



In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.



Don't thank me. I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.