um...do you guys know what the word funny means? this last page is disappointing. specially that shit about midgets. made 0 sense.
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Does Hank Hemp know you're workin' his corner???
A man walks into the supermarket, and he sees a big sign with an arrow on it "This way if you want to feel a big wet ****"
so he goes with the arrow, he sees a door which says "This way to feel a big wet ****" so he goes through it.
He sees another sign "If you want to feel a big wet ****, remove all your clothes" and he does. The next sign says "If you want to feel a big wet ****, sanitise yourself by pouring this bucket of water over you" and he does.
He comes to another door which says "This way to feel a big wet ****". He goes though the door, and he is back in the middle of the supermarket, surrounded by dumbfounded shoppers, laughing pointing and covering their kids eyes. He sees one more sign, which says "I bet you feel a big wet **** right now don't you!"
so he goes with the arrow, he sees a door which says "This way to feel a big wet ****" so he goes through it.
He sees another sign "If you want to feel a big wet ****, remove all your clothes" and he does. The next sign says "If you want to feel a big wet ****, sanitise yourself by pouring this bucket of water over you" and he does.
He comes to another door which says "This way to feel a big wet ****". He goes though the door, and he is back in the middle of the supermarket, surrounded by dumbfounded shoppers, laughing pointing and covering their kids eyes. He sees one more sign, which says "I bet you feel a big wet **** right now don't you!"
Little Johnny comes running out of the kitchen tent in the cannibals lair 'Mooommmmyyy! Mooommmyyy! Daddy is laying on the supper!!'
Little Johnny and his cannibal daddy were out hunting. They walked through the jungle for hours, past huge canopy treas and lush green shrubs when Little Johnny saw something in the bushes. To his pleasure, it was a woman, though half starved. Still, he raises his club to knock her down when daddy said 'Listen boy, she ain't no good. Only bones and sinew, you gonna choke when trying to eat that!'
Johnny was disappointed a bit, but they went on, walked again for hours, past mountains and rivers. Late afternoon, somewhere in the savanna in a bunch of waist-high grass was that fat woman seemingly tanning her double chin. Johnny started to salivate and just wanted to launch for a bite when daddy told him in a firm voice 'Na son, she ain't no good. Only fat and more fat, you gonna upset your little stomach when trying to eat that!'
Johnny let his head hang low and with shoulders sagged, they went on, walked through sunset and past plains and meadows and finally reached the desert. In the milky beams of a rising full moon, lingered against the only palm, shone that beautiful silhouette of a perfectly shaped woman; long blond hair, chubby breasts but a small waist and well rounded buttocks. Little Johnny couldn't help himself and with his knive raised high started to run towards the long desired food bearing only a G-string. That was when his father knocked him over the head with a stick, boxed his ear for good measure, and exclaimed 'You useless brat, don't ya dare touching that! Her, we take home and eat mother!'
Johnny was disappointed a bit, but they went on, walked again for hours, past mountains and rivers. Late afternoon, somewhere in the savanna in a bunch of waist-high grass was that fat woman seemingly tanning her double chin. Johnny started to salivate and just wanted to launch for a bite when daddy told him in a firm voice 'Na son, she ain't no good. Only fat and more fat, you gonna upset your little stomach when trying to eat that!'
Johnny let his head hang low and with shoulders sagged, they went on, walked through sunset and past plains and meadows and finally reached the desert. In the milky beams of a rising full moon, lingered against the only palm, shone that beautiful silhouette of a perfectly shaped woman; long blond hair, chubby breasts but a small waist and well rounded buttocks. Little Johnny couldn't help himself and with his knive raised high started to run towards the long desired food bearing only a G-string. That was when his father knocked him over the head with a stick, boxed his ear for good measure, and exclaimed 'You useless brat, don't ya dare touching that! Her, we take home and eat mother!'
@stihgnobevoli: Sense? Where's the sense in baby jokes, men walking in bars with talking monkey on the shoulder, guys visiting doctors with steering wheeled nuts, or ducks with equal legs? Humour is subjective...
At a party, a while back.
Had a good buzz going and just love to see the wife blush.
A very straight looking, (fox-news straight), middle aged couple that had been chewing the ears off of the host, approached us when the host made his escape to the kitchen.
Guy walks up with that big, shiny, Jeebus-freak kine, smile and says, "Hello, allow us to introduce ourselves, I'm Richard, this is Rebecca, we're the missionaries.
Without missing a beat, I grinned and said, "I'm Fred, she's Ethel, we're the doggie styles".
As it sailed over their heads, I swear I could hear the wife knees squishing together trying to keep from peeing down her leg.
Names were changed to protect the guilty, but true story.
Aloha,
Weeze
Had a good buzz going and just love to see the wife blush.
A very straight looking, (fox-news straight), middle aged couple that had been chewing the ears off of the host, approached us when the host made his escape to the kitchen.
Guy walks up with that big, shiny, Jeebus-freak kine, smile and says, "Hello, allow us to introduce ourselves, I'm Richard, this is Rebecca, we're the missionaries.
Without missing a beat, I grinned and said, "I'm Fred, she's Ethel, we're the doggie styles".
As it sailed over their heads, I swear I could hear the wife knees squishing together trying to keep from peeing down her leg.
Names were changed to protect the guilty, but true story.
Aloha,
Weeze
That's funny dude. When introducing myself and my wife, I used to say; We're in the iron & steel business. She does the ironing & I do the stealing!
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore teeth"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore teeth"
twistedthreads
Active member
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
News just in, Musician beaten and stabbed to death with his own bass guitar and drum sticks by irate neighbour.
It seems that the rhythm really is gonna get ya.
A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi walk into a pub, and the barman turns to all 3 and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
What's the difference between Princess Diana, and Mother Teresa?
About a week.
What's the difference between a pussy and an arseole?
About 1 1/2".
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A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening
Cowboy Sex.
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
Telling jokes is somewhat like modern dance: The performer balances on his toes, bends and twists over the floor, shows his feelings by complicated stances, tells the story of his heart in intricated forms and flows through improvised dance movements till near exhaustion, filling himself with joy and satisfaction.
To most onlookers it looks though like a schizophrenic toxicomane during his electroshock therapy...
To most onlookers it looks though like a schizophrenic toxicomane during his electroshock therapy...
LITTLE JOHNNY RIDES AGAIN:
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite ... Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . ."
And you, Nancy?"
"I wanna be Little Johnny's bitch."
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite ... Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . ."
And you, Nancy?"
"I wanna be Little Johnny's bitch."
Here ya go Hank 
Subj: The Canadian
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a white wine.
All the Rednecks sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Subj: The Canadian
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a white wine.
All the Rednecks sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Although popular wisdom says otherwise, Alcohol IS technically a solution.
