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Iffy, you're right. His humour's kind of iffy.... 
Flying Goat
Member
Glad you guys like limericks... Interesting find the other day:
The Washington Post
runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the words
'Lewinsky'
(the Intern who was giving 'personal assistance' to President Clinton in the White House) and
'Kaczynski'
(the Unabomber who sent bombs in the mail)
in the same limerick as a play on words.
The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in this very popular newspaper,
without bleeps or alterations of any kind.
LEWINSKY AND KACZYNSKI
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
The Washington Post
runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the words
'Lewinsky'
(the Intern who was giving 'personal assistance' to President Clinton in the White House) and
'Kaczynski'
(the Unabomber who sent bombs in the mail)
in the same limerick as a play on words.
The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in this very popular newspaper,
without bleeps or alterations of any kind.
LEWINSKY AND KACZYNSKI
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
An Old Dog's Tale....
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says loudly ......
"Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and vigour!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says loudly ......
"Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and vigour!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Sorry guess it was a crumby joke. Like Hank says "work on it."
From a fellow ICMag member sahdgrower:
"All the parts of the body are arguing about who is the boss. The Heart says "I pump the life blood here, I am clearly the boss." The Lungs says "I draw the air we breathe I am clearly the boss". The Brain says "I do all the thinking, I am clearly the boss". This continues for a while with each part arguing their case and thinking that they were the clear most important and therefore the boss. After a while the butthole chimes in, in a high and squeeky voice "Um guys, hate to tell you this but I am the boss! Without me....."
AHAHAHHAH everyone interrupts. "You are a stinky smelly anus! How could you possibly be the boss?"
"I'll show you!" says the 'ol bunghole and everyone continues to laugh except the butthole. You see he got real angry and closed up as tight as could be. Everyone laughed thinking it was like a 4 yr old holding his breath. But after a couple days, the stomach says "Hey guys maybe we should let the butt be boss.... I am not feeling so well"
Another couple of days and each and every body part feels so bad from not having made a bowel movement that they are ready to concede victory and say
"Ok Butthole you are the BOSS. Now please oh please take a shit!"
And he did and everyone felt much better, especially the butthole who now unanimously was declared the boss.
The moral of the story is all you have to do to be the boss is be an asshole who doesn't do shit. "
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they... all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Forrest Gump said
"Life is like a box of Chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get."
No!
Life is like cunnilingus.
One slip of the tongue, and you're in the shit.
I went to restaurant serving exotic meats yesterday. I decided to go with the roast Pelican.
It was OK, but the bill was enormous.
"Life is like a box of Chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get."
No!
Life is like cunnilingus.
One slip of the tongue, and you're in the shit.
I went to restaurant serving exotic meats yesterday. I decided to go with the roast Pelican.
It was OK, but the bill was enormous.
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Sweet, young, woman on a game show was being interviewed.
She said, "We have been married 3 years, and we have 2 dogs and a kitty."
I strolled through and said, "Obviously, you're doing it wrong!"
Wife did a spit take.
Don't know why she stays with me sometimes.
(Now, I'm wonderin' how ya do it kitty style.)
She said, "We have been married 3 years, and we have 2 dogs and a kitty."
I strolled through and said, "Obviously, you're doing it wrong!"
Wife did a spit take.
Don't know why she stays with me sometimes.
(Now, I'm wonderin' how ya do it kitty style.)
Ah, the young & gullible.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and the testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says, very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen carefully - Are - my - test - results - back?"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and the testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says, very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen carefully - Are - my - test - results - back?"
Subject: Three Black Men
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband
and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked,
sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were
having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal
assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it
depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately
white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the
couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,'
he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for
lunch.'
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband
and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked,
sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were
having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal
assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it
depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately
white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the
couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,'
he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for
lunch.'
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response, "Don't worry babe, your boobs cover it," wasn't the answer she was looking for!
FYI "I don't think the jeans have got anything to do with it!" is not the correct answer to "Do these jeans make my bum look big?" even if it's the truth!
Tim decided to marry his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his adventure bike. His new wife was standing
there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke. “Tim, darling, now that we are married I think it's time
you gave up adventure riding. Perhaps you should consider selling your bike."
Tim looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before."
“I haven't been,” said Tim
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his adventure bike. His new wife was standing
there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke. “Tim, darling, now that we are married I think it's time
you gave up adventure riding. Perhaps you should consider selling your bike."
Tim looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before."
“I haven't been,” said Tim
Omnipotence
New member
twistedthreads
Active member
A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
