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The exciting adventures of HJ:
Long winded so if this kind of stuff bores you go on with your bad self and scroll on.. cant hurt my feelings
So, fast rewind: 2009 my father and I buy a house.. cash.. both deeded co-owners. In order to supercede my '08 will that gave my daughter my estate I took Pops to another attorney in '09 to rewrite our wills; each making each our primaries to protect the house in case something happened to either one of us.
In 2013 Pops gets pissed off at me because he despised this chick I was dating.. petty.. I know.. anyways, he makes a new will and excludes me.. 2023 he has a change of heart and goes back to the '09 attorney and makes a new will making me primary and executor.
A week after the visit with the attorney he asks me if the will was sent down to the County.. I dunno.. I call the attorney the next day.. its another $25 fee to send it downtown.. ok.. next day I drive to the attorneys office and pay them.. they give me a receipt.
Present Time: Last Tuesday I stop into the attorneys office for a copy of my '09 will. The old office lady tells me they have no '09 will.. in fact, theres no record of me or my father being in their office. .. WTF??!! I assure her we were here in '09. NOPE! She points at the monitor.. "See! No record!".
I reiterate over and over.. 'We were here in '09".. "NO. YOU. WERE. NOT.
The old lady walks into the vault and comes back waving a will in my face smiling.. "Not your will! Your fathers will! Not from '09! From 2023!".
"Hey!! I paid $25 LAST YEAR to have that will sent downtown.. why is it still here??"
She slams the will on her desk and picks up the receipt book.. pushing it into my face.. pointing to it with her wretched crooked finger.. "See here??!! NO. YOU. DID. NOT. PAY."
... By now my chest is starting to hurt and I'm becoming short of breath.. dont have a heart attack, HJ..
I start pounding my fist on her desk like a Dave Lombardo kick drum..
She gets on the phone and then hands it to me.. its the 2nd name on the firms marquee.. "Mr Jammer.. Its Joe Asswipe Shyster . . can you come into my office tomorrow to clear up this matter?"
"Listen, Mr Shyster.. I need a copy of my '09 will.. its lost here.. no record of me being here.. I'm having a heart procedure performed on Thursday.. There is a possibility I'm stepping off Planet Earth. We have a problem".
"Come to my office tomorrow, ok?
"By the way, Mr Shyster.. Your old lady here is not making things any better.. goodbye."
Sooo.. The next day I bring the receipt for the $25 I paid last year. I walk in and the old lady does not acknowledge me. I take a seat in silence. After 10 minutes she gets up and walks past me mumbling "I'll tell him you're here"..
Soon after I hear a manly vicious voice approaching from the hallway.. It was a fit, goateed, Italian guy. . "Honda! Honda! Honda!" ..
I turn to look at him.. "..... Harley ...." ..
"Uh, yeah, Harley.. come into my office."
We sit down and good lord almighty did he talk to me like I was dogshit.. like a thief trying to steal food out of his kids mouth.. like a POS punkass muthafukka.. wow..
"Listen here Mr Jammer.. I dont know what kind of bullshit your trying to pull over here but it aint working! There is no record of you or your father being here in '09!".
"Yeah" , I said, "thats a problem .. a big problem"..
"If you were here in '09 I would have a record.. no will.. no record.. I can write up a new will for you today.. it will cost you $50, ok?"
"Mr. Shyster, by losing my '09 will you have placed my family in financial peril for 15 years! This is unacceptable! Plus, yesterday your office staff treated me like dogshit -- disrespected, taunted, and called a liar.. These things I do not appreciate!"
"LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR TO YOU, MR JAMMER!! I AM HERE TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOR! IF YOU DONT SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MONEY DOWN THE ROAD AND FIND ANOTHER ATTORNEY TO WRITE YOUR WILL BEFORE YOUR HEART PROCEDURE TOMORROW!!!!"
Oh shit.. my chest is hurting bad... Im short of breath.. I'm wiping sweat from my forehead..
I stare into Shyster's eyes .. "I have a heart condition"..
I open my phone..
"No phone calls Mr Jammer.. put the phone away"
"Im calling my father"
"Ok.. Go call your father.. it won't change a damn thing.. this will will still cost you $50".
I dial up Pops... on speakerphone..
"Hello son". "Hey Dad" "Whats up" "Im at the attorneys" "Hows it going?" "They keep treating me like dog shit calling me a liar saying we weren't here in '09". "Sorry you have to go through this, son" "Oh well, Pops.. you know how it goes.. shits fukked up everywhere". "Yeah, thats too bad.. you put your faith and money in someone and they turn around and stick it in your ass".. "Yup, Pop, thats for sure. He's charging me another $50.. whatever.. I need this taken care of so if anything goes sideways Thursday you'll be ok and you can rest easy....Hey.. ya know? I think we are sitting in the same office... (looking at the Victorian blue suede chairs) and we are sitting in the same chairs... and.. the attorney looks familiar.. he looks like the guy that drew up our '09 wills"..
"Well, son, I dont remember much except that he was a handsome Italian looking guy"
"Dad, he IS a handsome Italian looking guy"..
Pops then goes on to tear into the attorneys ass.. Mr Shyster is visibly shaken and demands that I cease the call.
"Dad.. We are upsetting the attorney.. I'll call you later.. buh bye".
"Also, BTW, Mr Shyster, this is the receipt from the $25 I paid LAST YEAR to send my fathers 2023 will downtown.. and his will is STILL IN YOUR OFFICE TO THIS DAY. WHY?"
"Mr Jammer, lets just get to drawing up your will, ok?"
During the process I stop and look into Mr Shysters eyes..
"This might be my last day on Planet Earth" .. I reach into my left pants pocket and produce a roll of 32 100 dollar bills and brush my thumb across them.. "Does it look like I need to juice fifty bucks out of someone??"..
We finish the will. I open my wallet..
"No charge, Mr Jammer. Lets go out front and witness your signature".
Shyster asks the old lady, "Is his fathers '23 will in the vault?" .. "Yes" .. "Send it downtown".. "But he didn't pay!" ... "Yes.. he did"..
All said and done I shake his hand and thank him for clearing up this matter.
Stuff like this makes Jammer the man he is...
Long winded so if this kind of stuff bores you go on with your bad self and scroll on.. cant hurt my feelings
So, fast rewind: 2009 my father and I buy a house.. cash.. both deeded co-owners. In order to supercede my '08 will that gave my daughter my estate I took Pops to another attorney in '09 to rewrite our wills; each making each our primaries to protect the house in case something happened to either one of us.
In 2013 Pops gets pissed off at me because he despised this chick I was dating.. petty.. I know.. anyways, he makes a new will and excludes me.. 2023 he has a change of heart and goes back to the '09 attorney and makes a new will making me primary and executor.
A week after the visit with the attorney he asks me if the will was sent down to the County.. I dunno.. I call the attorney the next day.. its another $25 fee to send it downtown.. ok.. next day I drive to the attorneys office and pay them.. they give me a receipt.
Present Time: Last Tuesday I stop into the attorneys office for a copy of my '09 will. The old office lady tells me they have no '09 will.. in fact, theres no record of me or my father being in their office. .. WTF??!! I assure her we were here in '09. NOPE! She points at the monitor.. "See! No record!".
I reiterate over and over.. 'We were here in '09".. "NO. YOU. WERE. NOT.
The old lady walks into the vault and comes back waving a will in my face smiling.. "Not your will! Your fathers will! Not from '09! From 2023!".
"Hey!! I paid $25 LAST YEAR to have that will sent downtown.. why is it still here??"
She slams the will on her desk and picks up the receipt book.. pushing it into my face.. pointing to it with her wretched crooked finger.. "See here??!! NO. YOU. DID. NOT. PAY."
... By now my chest is starting to hurt and I'm becoming short of breath.. dont have a heart attack, HJ..
I start pounding my fist on her desk like a Dave Lombardo kick drum..
She gets on the phone and then hands it to me.. its the 2nd name on the firms marquee.. "Mr Jammer.. Its Joe Asswipe Shyster . . can you come into my office tomorrow to clear up this matter?"
"Listen, Mr Shyster.. I need a copy of my '09 will.. its lost here.. no record of me being here.. I'm having a heart procedure performed on Thursday.. There is a possibility I'm stepping off Planet Earth. We have a problem".
"Come to my office tomorrow, ok?
"By the way, Mr Shyster.. Your old lady here is not making things any better.. goodbye."
Sooo.. The next day I bring the receipt for the $25 I paid last year. I walk in and the old lady does not acknowledge me. I take a seat in silence. After 10 minutes she gets up and walks past me mumbling "I'll tell him you're here"..
Soon after I hear a manly vicious voice approaching from the hallway.. It was a fit, goateed, Italian guy. . "Honda! Honda! Honda!" ..
I turn to look at him.. "..... Harley ...." ..
"Uh, yeah, Harley.. come into my office."
We sit down and good lord almighty did he talk to me like I was dogshit.. like a thief trying to steal food out of his kids mouth.. like a POS punkass muthafukka.. wow..
"Listen here Mr Jammer.. I dont know what kind of bullshit your trying to pull over here but it aint working! There is no record of you or your father being here in '09!".
"Yeah" , I said, "thats a problem .. a big problem"..
"If you were here in '09 I would have a record.. no will.. no record.. I can write up a new will for you today.. it will cost you $50, ok?"
"Mr. Shyster, by losing my '09 will you have placed my family in financial peril for 15 years! This is unacceptable! Plus, yesterday your office staff treated me like dogshit -- disrespected, taunted, and called a liar.. These things I do not appreciate!"
"LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR TO YOU, MR JAMMER!! I AM HERE TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOR! IF YOU DONT SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MONEY DOWN THE ROAD AND FIND ANOTHER ATTORNEY TO WRITE YOUR WILL BEFORE YOUR HEART PROCEDURE TOMORROW!!!!"
Oh shit.. my chest is hurting bad... Im short of breath.. I'm wiping sweat from my forehead..
I stare into Shyster's eyes .. "I have a heart condition"..
I open my phone..
"No phone calls Mr Jammer.. put the phone away"
"Im calling my father"
"Ok.. Go call your father.. it won't change a damn thing.. this will will still cost you $50".
I dial up Pops... on speakerphone..
"Hello son". "Hey Dad" "Whats up" "Im at the attorneys" "Hows it going?" "They keep treating me like dog shit calling me a liar saying we weren't here in '09". "Sorry you have to go through this, son" "Oh well, Pops.. you know how it goes.. shits fukked up everywhere". "Yeah, thats too bad.. you put your faith and money in someone and they turn around and stick it in your ass".. "Yup, Pop, thats for sure. He's charging me another $50.. whatever.. I need this taken care of so if anything goes sideways Thursday you'll be ok and you can rest easy....Hey.. ya know? I think we are sitting in the same office... (looking at the Victorian blue suede chairs) and we are sitting in the same chairs... and.. the attorney looks familiar.. he looks like the guy that drew up our '09 wills"..
"Well, son, I dont remember much except that he was a handsome Italian looking guy"
"Dad, he IS a handsome Italian looking guy"..
Pops then goes on to tear into the attorneys ass.. Mr Shyster is visibly shaken and demands that I cease the call.
"Dad.. We are upsetting the attorney.. I'll call you later.. buh bye".
"Also, BTW, Mr Shyster, this is the receipt from the $25 I paid LAST YEAR to send my fathers 2023 will downtown.. and his will is STILL IN YOUR OFFICE TO THIS DAY. WHY?"
"Mr Jammer, lets just get to drawing up your will, ok?"
During the process I stop and look into Mr Shysters eyes..
"This might be my last day on Planet Earth" .. I reach into my left pants pocket and produce a roll of 32 100 dollar bills and brush my thumb across them.. "Does it look like I need to juice fifty bucks out of someone??"..
We finish the will. I open my wallet..
"No charge, Mr Jammer. Lets go out front and witness your signature".
Shyster asks the old lady, "Is his fathers '23 will in the vault?" .. "Yes" .. "Send it downtown".. "But he didn't pay!" ... "Yes.. he did"..
All said and done I shake his hand and thank him for clearing up this matter.
Stuff like this makes Jammer the man he is...
Last edited:
The exciting adventures of HJ:
Long winded so if this kind of stuff bores you go on with your bad self and scroll on.. cant hurt my feelings
So, fast rewind: 2009 my father and I buy a house.. cash.. both deeded co-owners. In order to supercede my '08 will that gave my daughter my estate I took Pops to another attorney in '09 to rewrite our wills; each making each our primaries to protect the house in case something happened to either one of us.
In 2013 Pops gets pissed off at me because he despised this chick I was dating.. petty.. I know.. anyways, he makes a new will and excludes me.. 2023 he has a change of heart and goes back to the '09 attorney and makes a new will making me primary and executor.
A week after the visit with the attorney he asks me if the will was sent down to the County.. I dunno.. I call the attorney the next day.. its another $25 fee to send it downtown.. ok.. next day I drive to the attorneys office and pay them.. they give me a receipt.
Present Time: Last Tuesday I stop into the attorneys office for a copy of my '09 will. The old office lady tells me they have no '09 will.. in fact, theres no record of me or my father being in their office. .. WTF??!! I assure her we were here in '09. NOPE! She points at the monitor.. "See! No record!".
I reiterate over and over.. 'We were here in '09".. "NO. YOU. WERE. NOT.
The old lady walks into the vault and comes back waving a will in my face smiling.. "Not your will! Your fathers will! Not from '09! From 2023!".
"Hey!! I paid $25 LAST YEAR to have that will sent downtown.. why is it still here??"
She slams the will on her desk and picks up the receipt book.. pushing it into my face.. pointing to it with her wretched crooked finger.. "See here??!! NO. YOU. DID. NOT. PAY."
... By now my chest is starting to hurt and I'm becoming short of breath.. dont have a heart attack, HJ..
I start pounding my fist on her desk like a Dave Lombardo kick drum..
She gets on the phone and then hands it to me.. its the 2nd name on the firms marquee.. "Mr Jammer.. Its Joe Asswipe Shyster . . can you come into my office tomorrow to clear up this matter?"
"Listen, Mr Shyster.. I need a copy of my '09 will.. its lost here.. no record of me being here.. I'm having a heart procedure performed on Thursday.. There is a possibility I'm stepping off Planet Earth. We have a problem".
"Come to my office tomorrow, ok?
"By the way, Mr Shyster.. Your old lady here is not making things any better.. goodbye."
Sooo.. The next day I bring the receipt for the $25 I paid last year. I walk in and the old lady does not acknowledge me. I take a seat in silence. After 10 minutes she gets up and walks past me mumbling "I'll tell him you're here"..
Soon after I here a manly vicious voice approaching from the hallway.. It was a fit, goateed, Italian guy. . "Honda! Honda! Honda!" ..
I turn to look at him.. "..... Harley ...." ..
"Uh, yeah, Harley.. come into my office."
We sit down and good lord almighty did he talk to me like I was dogshit.. like a thief trying to steal food out of his kids mouth.. like a POS punkass muthafukka.. wow..
"Listen here Mr Jammer.. I dont know what kind of bullshit your trying to pull over here but it aint working! There is no record of you or your father being here in '09!".
"Yeah" , I said, "thats a problem .. a big problem"..
"If you were here in '09 I would have a record.. no will.. no record.. I can write up a new will for you today.. it will cost you $50, ok?"
"Mr. Shyster, by losing my '09 will you have placed my family in financial peril for 15 years! This is unacceptable! Plus, yesterday your office staff treated me like dogshit -- disrespected, taunted, and called a liar.. These things I do not appreciate!"
"LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR TO YOU, MR JAMMER!! I AM HERE TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOR! IF YOU DONT SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MONEY DOWN THE ROAD AND FIND ANOTHER ATTORNEY TO WRITE YOUR WILL BEFORE YOUR HEART PROCEDURE TOMORROW!!!!"
Oh shit.. my chest is hurting bad... Im short of breath.. I'm wiping sweat from my forehead..
I stare into Shyster's eyes .. "I have a heart condition"..
I open my phone..
"No phone calls Mr Jammer.. put the phone away"
"Im calling my father"
"Ok.. Go call your father.. it won't change a damn thing.. this will will still cost you $50".
I dial up Pops... on speakerphone..
"Hello son". "Hey Dad" "Whats up" "Im at the attorneys" "Hows it going?" "They keep treating me like dog shit calling me a liar saying we weren't here in '09". "Sorry you have to go through this, son" "Oh well, Pops.. you know how it goes.. shits fukked up everywhere". "Yeah, thats too bad.. you put your faith and money in someone and they turn around and stick it in your ass".. "Yup, Pop, thats for sure. He's charging me another $50.. whatever.. I need this taken care of so if anything goes sideways Thursday you'll be ok and you can rest easy....Hey.. ya know? I think we are sitting in the same office... (looking at the Victorian blue suede chairs) and we are sitting in the same chairs... and.. the attorney looks familiar.. he looks like the guy that drew up our '09 wills"..
"Well, son, I dont remember much except that he was a handsome Italian looking guy"
"Dad, he IS a handsome Italian looking guy"..
Pops then goes on to tear into the attorneys ass.. Mr Shyster is visibly shaken and demands that I cease the call.
"Dad.. We are upsetting the attorney.. I'll call you later.. buh bye".
"Also, BTW, Mr Shyster, this is the receipt from the $25 I paid LAST YEAR to send my fathers 2023 will downtown.. and his will is STILL IN YOUR OFFICE TO THIS DAY. WHY?"
"Mr Jammer, lets just get to drawing up your will, ok?"
During the process I stop and look into Mr Shysters eyes..
"This might be my last day on Planet Earth" .. I reach into my left pants pocket and produce a roll of 32 100 dollar bills and brush my thumb across them.. "Does it look like I need to juice fifty bucks out of someone??"..
We finish the will. I open my wallet..
"No charge, Mr Jammer. Lets go out front and witness your signature".
Shyster asks the old lady, "Is his fathers '23 will in the vault?" .. "Yes" .. "Send it downtown".. "But he didn't pay!" ... "Yes.. he did"..
All said and done I shake his hand and thank him for clearing up this matter.
Stuff like this makes Jammer the man he is...
you shook his hand, i would hold that hand in the tightest mountain climber grip i could and look him in the eye and smile
/you know that smile... just like a shark
this kind of shit makes me mad, fees and red tape trip everything up and puts undue stress on good people
i hope your operation goes well and take care of yourself buddy
rubber down
Had a little bump while out for a ride and realized that i might be in trouble when they started playing staying alive by the Bee Gees on the ambulance ride in.
Thanks, man.. the procedure was Thursday. Overall, it went ok. The nurses were all fantastic. The night shift nurse could have been a Playboy Bunny.. I'm not the marrying type but I would have made this one an exception.. 9.8/10 .
If I was younger and in better health HJ would have cupped his ears and planted his knee into his balls.. Eh, I got what I came for.. I still may roll a dime to the Ohio Bar Association...
Some people say "Shit happens"..
HJ says, "I make shit happen".
HJ says, "I make shit happen".
MURMAIDER
You gotta watch "this 90s show" fucked up don't try it sober
Mm, that's wankworthy
