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I guess the actors in the play at the Apollo theater in London must be great. I've heard of a performance bringing down the house, but had no idea that it could actually happen.
That place must have been built by the same dude who builds the seating for Pink Floyd gigs.
That place must have been built by the same dude who builds the seating for Pink Floyd gigs.
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Justin Beiber, Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne were travelling together in a helicopter. Justin Beiber threw a $100 note out the chopper, smiled, and said, "I just made a person happy". Seeing this, Minaj threw five $20 notes out the chopper and said, "I made five people happy!". Lil Wayne then threw ten $10 notes out the chopper and said, "I just made ten people happy". Thats when the pilot, irritated, looked to the trio and said, "You guys better shut the fuck up or i'll throw you all out and make the whole world happy".
MrKeebler
Member
"There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Saw this on the internet, thought it would be a good candidate for the joke thread!
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Saw this on the internet, thought it would be a good candidate for the joke thread!
twistedthreads
Active member
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
What's got one I and 3 Zs?
Gabrielle asleep.
Gabrielle asleep.
MrKeebler
Member
"A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!""
Found another one on the internet, thought I'd share!
Found another one on the internet, thought I'd share!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
...
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Jim jeffries
"I could never be a Muslim, because they can't eat bacon and they can't drink beer. Beer and Bacon are 2 of the greatest things in the world. If you take beer and bacon away from me, I'll fly a fucking plane into a building."
Athankewe
"I could never be a Muslim, because they can't eat bacon and they can't drink beer. Beer and Bacon are 2 of the greatest things in the world. If you take beer and bacon away from me, I'll fly a fucking plane into a building."
Athankewe
Ethnic joke alert:
My ex father-in-law was straight off the boat Italian. He loved to rib me about being a Redneck and we would trade insults all the time. He would ask me if I wanted a beer, then would ask what kind of panther piss Rednecks drank.
So one day I ask him if he wants to hear an Italian joke. Sure he says. So I ask him "what sound does an Italian helicopter make when it crashes?" "I dunno" he says.
So I say "Dago guinea guinea guinea guinea WOP!"
For a second I thought he was pissed, but then he busted out laughing. He was impressed that I was able to work in 3 ethnic slurs for Italians in the punch line. I caught him telling his brother later that day.
My ex father-in-law was straight off the boat Italian. He loved to rib me about being a Redneck and we would trade insults all the time. He would ask me if I wanted a beer, then would ask what kind of panther piss Rednecks drank.
So one day I ask him if he wants to hear an Italian joke. Sure he says. So I ask him "what sound does an Italian helicopter make when it crashes?" "I dunno" he says.
So I say "Dago guinea guinea guinea guinea WOP!"
For a second I thought he was pissed, but then he busted out laughing. He was impressed that I was able to work in 3 ethnic slurs for Italians in the punch line. I caught him telling his brother later that day.
How many dead hookers fit in the average garage??
2 more if I move my bike.
2 more if I move my bike.
This survey of American beliefs showed that Americans, at a rate of between 48 and 51% don’t believe in evolution. Which is, like, half. And of top of that 51% a further 38 to 40% of Americans believe that biological evolution has occurred but believe that it was initiated by, and has since been kind of administered by, um, god, leaving a very small percentage of Americans who are right.
I was talking to a Scottish friend of mine the other day and he said "In Scotland, we call a Spade a Spade!"
Well fucking done. All these years, I've been calling it a fucking espadrille.
Well fucking done. All these years, I've been calling it a fucking espadrille.
