The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[LEF]

Brutus' Last Stand

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks, "Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?
The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters, "It's mine old timer? What's it to you?"
"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.
"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy. "It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man.
"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief, "No dog could beat my Brutus.
"It's true, my Gunther killed him."
"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?"
"A Chihuahua," answered the old man.
"There is no way that a measely little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way."
"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man, "It looks he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death."

 

[LEF]

What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
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Sue!!

 

[LEF]

amusement pork



Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?

A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride

 

[Midnite Toker]

Give it up for the comedy stylings of LEF ladies and gentlemen! He'll be here all week!
~mT

 

[Stoner4Life]

idk.

maybe Hank's been right all along. I'm beginning to feel like you guys owe me some laughs.......

 

[Weezard]

Ayup!
This is a tough room.
Gotta bring your A-game.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I bought the GF a copy of the cheap and easy vegetarian cookbook.
She isn't a vegetarian, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

 

[LEF]

good one harry

 

[LEF]

Abstinence :


Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

 

[LEF]

Alien abduction :



Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."

Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"

"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

 

[LEF]

Ashes to ashes :


This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

 

[LEF]

Bank on it :


A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Hey now!

Hey now!

idk.

maybe Hank's been right all along. I'm beginning to feel like you guys owe me some laughs.......

That's my line. Now I don't mean your wrong, just that's my line.
I am glad to know that others expect a high standard of reefer humor.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Just a little more effort

Just a little more effort

Bank on it :


A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

That's a better one Lef.

 

[trichrider]

Snow Ploughing in Dublin


On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Gave that one a thumbs up but I had to think about it, to tell the truth you know.

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Weezard]

WTF!
The next Nelson Mandela?!

Yo! Kanye!
Ima let you finish, but your wife is a porn star and your daughter's a compass!

 

[LEF]

Q: What do you get when a 6-foot blonde bends over?
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A: A 3-foot brunette.

 

[LEF]

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I see stonefree brought out the nerd jokes