zeeba amoeba
Member
Shlomo said:I had my apartment lock changed on me by the landlord, with my six, six to seven foot tall ISS mamas in there taking up the whole bedroom, four 1000W MH's, a chiller, and exhaust, black poly over the window with a flexi hose taped on.
The place was in my name.
I tried to get ahold of the landlord, hoping to bribe or something, but she was gone (she was never gone!), and there was a curious police presence around the corner near the train station - a Suburban and a squad.
So, long story short, since the unit was a corner suite on the second floor, I climbed a tree, falling once, then back up and drop-jumped onto the balcony with the assistance of a bendy branch (which shot up after I let go, swatting my face). I went in through the open balcony (it was very hot in there, the exhaust going into the living room). Some people saw me on the crowded street near a mall, but I yelled, "It's OK - I lost my key!"
I ran two plants down to the secluded back entrance - each must have weighed sixty pounds with the soil. I took one of the plants and tried to jam it into my Oldsmobile's trunk, but it wouldn't fit or bend, it was a tree. This wopuld have looked very comical, but anyone could have come out the backway just then. I ran back up, a giant plant in each hand, sweating like a motherfucker. I picked up all the stray leaves from the staircase, hearing voices in the 1st floor hall, and started making calls.
No one was willing to help.
So, and my heart drops as I write this, even seven years on... I chopped them up. I threw them into black garbage bags, and tossed them in the trash outside. God fucking damn it I just read that and I felt sick - I need a cigarette.
From the balcony climb to the garbagey end all took about thirty minutes, I was moving so fucking fast, it was like a Benny Hill sequence, except holding two pot plants taller than me and sweating profusely. Any moment I expected the cops to come, but I have heard from many of my peers that often times a manager will let them in to show the plants after snooping, then they get the warrant on concocted evidence, and later on... yadda yadda. The place may have been raided later that night, or not - they are very backlogged in my neck of the woods.
If they came, they found not one leaf or piece of equipment. After tossing the plants I packed up, cancelled all my rent cheques, and never looked back.
My landlord changed the locks on me once, before my time had run out at my apartment. I was in the middle of moving, and about 90% of my furniture was still in the unit. I think what had happened is that management had failed to communicate the correct check-out date to their maintenance crew. It was after hours, so I couldn't call them. I was faced with the prospect of not having a bed to sleep on that night. Now can you imagine an amoeba without a bed to sleep on? My cytoplasm would get all out of shape and shit.
I kicked the damn door open, destroying the lock. Then I took a screwdriver and removed the entire lock, including the strike from the door and threw it in the dumpster. I was going to be nice and leave in an orderly fashion, but after getting provoked I changed these plans. Basically we trashed the apartment. I mean just leaving trash and junk all over the floor, pouring juice from a sardine can on the carpet, spilling cologne, etc. I also took the fork and spoon rack from the dishwasher. It's a bitch replacing those things. Then I decided to recover all the top soil from the garden in front of the apartment. That top soil had been put there by me, because they had shitty soil full of pebbles and sand to begin with. So I came after dark and by the light of the street lamp, dug up every square foot of top soil, placed it in my truck and kept coming back until it was all gone. What was left was a hole.
They wrote me a nastygram saying "Due to abuse of the apartment and rampant destruction, your $200 deposit will not be refunded."
I had already written off the deposit. It was worth $200 to me to get even with these pricks, I bet it cost them more than that to clean up that shithole.
btw this was years before I resumed smoking bud. I was drinking back then and had limited patience with fools. I'm more mellow now under the influence of Mary Jane....