Time to say goodbye................

[castout]

Well, I came back for a bit, but I can't stay. It makes me pretty sad, but I know it is best. This has been so lonely......so many people in the world, and we can't shake the loneliness. Sometimes you crave the comfort of what you know. I have known IC for 8 years. When I have been sad, all I needed to do was log on, and I would feel better. I went through so much here, with so many of you. I miss that, but that is my old life, and my old life is gone. I probably should have never shown myself again, but old habits, die hard. It is the holidays, and they always make me.......I dunno, they just do something to me. To say this has been a tough time, is not even close to what it has been like. Talk about a nightmare. I REALLY need an IC connection....so that is why I came on again. I am scared, and I feel so alone......even with you know who beside me. I can't really talk to him about it, cause right now, he is dealing with all he can handle. His blood sugar has been harder than usual to control. Before things went to shit, I had noticed a small lump in my left breast. I had gone to see the doc, as I was 2 years out from my last bout with the big C, and the hysterectomy. I had a mammogram scheduled for after I got back from a party in the mountains.......only I never went back. Well, this was about a year ago. The lump hasn't gone away, it doesn't hurt, and it has only gotten a lil bigger, and it isn't free floating. But, you know who, felt it the other day, for the 1st time. I am not afraid of it being cancer, in a way, I almost pray that it is, I would finally have peace. I can't help anyone, not my family, not my friends, not the patients I had.....I am a fucking curse, and I feel useless. I had leukemia as a child, and alot of my friends didn't make it back then. I vowed everytime someone passed, that I would live for them, all of us kids did that. I have tried to live a good and ethical life, and help people, just because I can. Because I am still here, and some amazing kids are not, I alwys felt it was my responsibility to help those suffering, to bring some happiness and positivity to the lives I can. I vowed that when I didn't die, but good kids did. I think I lived up to those vows. At least I pray that the kids that went before me, knew they didn't go and were just forgotten. Someone was trying to live a good life for them, and the fact that they couldn't. So now, not being able to help anybody, not being able to have a positive impact on anything, has really gotten me down. And the lump isn't helping either. Like I said, it will be ok for me, if it is the big C. I worry about you know who. Such a strong individual, dealing with his horrible disease for 22 years, as well as the loss we endured. But we have endured together, and now I see a new fear in his eyes. I mean I have never seen him so scared, and I hate myself for that. I know that what he felt in my breast the other day, is the reason he is so afraid. I hate myself, because if it is the big C, I will leave him alone. I don't have the means, or even a doctor anymore, to try to fight this. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be strong, but all the reasons I had to fight, are no longer a part of my life. I feel like if I am gone, my kids can at least have closure, know that I am at peace. The kids have seen the RSD cripple me from pain, and that I would no longer have to endure that. I know that knowing I am not suffering anymore, would bring the some peace. The only loose string, is you know who. I worry so for him. I NEEDED to come to the one place where I have always found acceptance and support. IC is my family, and sometimes you just need that hug, that only can be found here. I just wish things were back to good. This is a dark place to be, but there have been a few beacons of light. There are a few people here that have been the KINDEST of people, and the blessing of them, has sometimes been all that we had to see us through, some of the bleakest of days. They are living angels, and just knowing they are there, means more than I can ever express. Sometimes a familiar voice means everything. I haven't given up, I am just having a rough time right now....the holidays and all. I have to somehow pick myself up, and keep moving. That is why I came back here again. The lil shot in the arm, that is all of my friends, you, is alot. I don't want anybody to feel badly....positivity is what we need. And no matter what happens to me, pray for you know who. He is the most decent person I have ever had the honor to know, and so very deserving of happiness. Pray for my amazingly strong children. The chaos that I have brought to their lives, haunts me. Sometimes I cry, and I can't stop, but my tears don't fix anything. I have always looked for lemonade when I got lemons, and I still find so many things to be positive about, they are just bittersweet now. I know, more than most, how precious life is. I value it, but I am so scared now. Scared because I may have something bad, and I know I just have to let it play out, and see what happens. Scared, because I am not afraid to die, would almost welcome the peace. Scared beause I would leave my very best friend, my other half...and he isn't ready. Scared because the beauty that are my children, would never be in my arms again. Obviously y'all can tell I am in a bad way....so please pray for my family......if they can just be alright. And always be positive for each other.....if we are a strong united front, they can't get us all. Best of luck in all your endeavors...you are all saints for the work you do, and your rewards shall be many. I think of my IC family and keep you in light and positivity and love, in my heart. Sorry if this brings anyone down, but it is how I am feeling, and no matter what I feel, when I come here, I always feel a lil better, and I know I will not be judged, just heard. Thank you....................

 

[pine boy]

Don't forget sweetie,Your an angel and a savior to all the people you know.This is important as we cant shine as bright without your light to reflect on.
Dont leave us,because we are here for you and with you and you will be included in my prayers,my thoughts and in my heart.
Peace to you
pb

 

[Weird]

hon

I feel your heartbreak, I can feel your defeat

please don't let the weight of the world that doesn't understand outweigh a heart that knows better

people like you and me and others we know, we know, for us, the key to humanity lies with a relationship with a very special plant

there is no greater endeavor as humans to seek and cultivate the humanity in ourselves and those around us

anyone who does not has squandered the gift of being a human

I hope, because we so dearly need that spirit in this world, that you are renewed, and I hope your heart is strengthened so that you are full and empty no longer

you did the right thing and thats why it is costing so much, cause in this world, in this day and age of corruption, the right thing is not easy or without great costs

but without a bit of that spirit in the world, what peace would any of us have?

keep on keeping on, and remember if you don't lose they don't win

I wish I had a greater comfort than words, and my hopes and prayers that you are delivered from your suffering

thank you for reaching out and letting us know where your at you have been on many thoughts and in many minds

 

[paladin420]

Hello my new friend. I had to stop reading.. Please don't feel that you are not helping... Your posts are capable reaching those of us who are also mired is this war/life..we hav been given plenty of shots to the nether regions..warriors such as yourself, and whatever his name is, give us all hope... A reason to keep fighting.. Fighting this stupid law.. And fighting big c...life is all about the struggle, some days I so want to quit to give up... Just quit... For me that would b suicide...please try to get to a med state,, amongst all the profiteers and pushers, there are some truly compassionate people... Find some of us, what knowledge u hav gain in this struggle can save others... Stay strong .. Ur 420PAL

Ps
Your vow is not finished... Love

 

[TrichyTrichy]

Please go to the hospital and let the social worker figure out the rest.

We need you, people in your life need you. There are many others like you.. that need you.

Just work from the love- no need to have a big fire to propel you. Just the love.

 

[L~B]

DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED . DO NOT GIVE UP.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your struggle. I put love and good vibes out to you when ever I think of you. I really wish the best for you.

I once told you know who that we were vastly different . We all are but at the same time the same kindness flows though us. Making us the same. Were all part of the same puddle no matter where we are.

I'm sorry to hear about the lump you must find a safe way to have that looked at quickly. chin up. find a way. you can do it.

I really hope you don't leave again.. But if you do... I understand.. we all do ...

If you ever need a hug or a hand you know where to find family.


Good Vibes
Blessing and Praise


and for god's sake keep that collar popped


Peace L~

 

[GDK]

I dont even know what to say...and i hate it.
I was so happy to read ya a cpl of days ago, and to know that you guys are still safe. Now this....
We have never met, but fam is fam, and i know of you and what kind of person you guys are. In all honesty your post actually put tears in my eyes for ya..
Damn..i really wish i had some words to say that would make you feel better or inspire you somehow. But i dont. What does words do in situations like these...
I will keep you in my innermost thoughts and send all love and healing vibes that i can master. Please do not vanish without a trace...the world needs ya

Stay Safe

 

[MOneYMiKe]

persistance and dedication got us where we are today....this will NOT change...yes time's are hard....but let that light shine thru baby girl.........everything will be ok...this is what family is for........the children are not children anymore they are Young Adult's...and they know respect/way of life....you have already succeded....life is flimsey........time to straighten that fucker up!........LOVE.....

 

[KONY]

I have been siting here since 7am looking at this. Am speechless as to what to say but figure I will give it a shot. I been thinking about this for almost a year now. There is not a day goes by that I dont wish it could go back to the way it used to be. I'm trying to stay positive with you on this whole situation, its hard but I am thinking about the good times that were had. But more importantly you have really touched alot of people more than you could ever imagine.

I wish the best to the both of you and the family, no matter what happens I know you will find a way to make the best of it. We are here for you if you need someone.

 

[Classy@Home]

I am really saddened by your plight...

Plse don't give up - pursue all your options, at least try...

At least - want to live, do whatever can be done.

 

[Hermanthegerman]

 

[dank.frank]

Your heart on your sleeve...the passion and love that eminates from the screen in front of me is surreal. It's lost to todays world. You have reached and impacted lives more deeply than you will ever know. You WILL find a way ; or you wouldn't be you; just look!! You've never sacrificed right; you are justified.

Thank you, a million times over. You are and will remain in my prayers...family is right here and we care deeply for both of you folks. (wish I wasn't so powerless to REALLY help)


dank.Frank

 

[Babbabud]

Nam myoho renge kyo

Thinking good positive thoughts for you sister. Please feel the love we all have for you.

 

[festivus]

Outcast, we are all outcasts in one way or another, and a bunch of us find refuge here on ICM. Many of us have been rejected by the world, and we come here to be with those of our own kind.

Before you resolve yourself that the lump is C, please do yourself and your family a favor and have it checked. A few years ago, my girl and I went thru the same thing... she discovered a lump and assumed the worst. After reluctantly going to the doctor, she found out it were just a fatty cyst- and was told it was quite common, and posed no medical danger.

Kindest Regards,
festivus

 

[Mrs.Babba]

castout...I wish I could give a hug, sounds like you could use one right about now. You should try to see a doctor, you have alot of ppl that depend on you and they would be very sad to not have you in their lives. HE needs you around too. I love ya lady!! Please stay strong you are in my prayers.

 

[ran outta love]

.

 

[Ise]

Just please don't give up on life, get your body's ph in check, eat as many (fresh off the plant if possible) organically grown veggies & fruits as possible, stay away from gmo's. Drink the purest water you can afford. Maybe a organic whole food supplement from new chapter or another reputable company. Try to stay away from electronics as much as possible. Look into foods with the highest amount of antioxidants, raw cacao beans, blueberries, etc. Just remember & keep telling yourself cancer is not a death sentence it can be beaten with the right mind set. Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive & don't forget your mind can heal you. There are plenty of folks who beat cancer & are more than likely willing to help out a person in your shoes. Look for forums on cancer survivors (I'm sure they're out there) & see what they did to beat it.

Stay positive castout
Ise

 

[accessndx]

We know you've got more than your share of heartaches lately sis......not sure I'd even handle it nearly as well. In spite of those facts, your F.A.M.I.L.Y. both near and far love ya. We're here for you in any capacity we can be. What has happened to you is simply wrong, and the other more recent developments can't be making it easier on you.

If there's one thing I do know however is that you're one strong motherf-ing gal....you kick asses all over the joint and don't even bother taking names. You dragged yourself out from underneath your problems long ago.....and you can do it once again.
Your significant other is no slouch either. He's no stranger to problems and he's seen you through an awful lot.....

Don't drop out of the fight when you've got more than enough power to overcome. Get back to where you once belong...

 

[DoobieDuck]

Castout..saddened as many are..your in my thoughts..be well..DD

 

[WonderWoman86]

Sister, I am so sorry to hear about everything you've been through this past year . . . I think about all of the good times we've had, all of the knowledge you've shared with me. I have so many things to tell you, what I've learned. You gave me confidence to do the damn thing!

. . . Sending positive energy your way every day hun. We miss you. Stay strong.