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"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."
At the Logies in 2006: "I don't know why the f--- I'm here. I know you're all famous, and I hope you all win, [but] I don't know who you are."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963."
"I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects."
"A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."
"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
"I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'"
"You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."
"I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
"Half of all marriages end in divorce - and then there are the really unhappy ones."
"My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time."
"Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … he should have been there when it was conceived."
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"
"I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'"
"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."
"The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: 'How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn't have them in those days,' I think I'll scream!"
"The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud."
"Grandchildren can be so f---ing annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
"The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery."
"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present."
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/cel...vers-quotes-20140905-3ex9p.html#ixzz3COSUJTuh
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."
At the Logies in 2006: "I don't know why the f--- I'm here. I know you're all famous, and I hope you all win, [but] I don't know who you are."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963."
"I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects."
"A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."
"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
"I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'"
"You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."
"I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
"Half of all marriages end in divorce - and then there are the really unhappy ones."
"My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time."
"Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … he should have been there when it was conceived."
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"
"I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'"
"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."
"The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: 'How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn't have them in those days,' I think I'll scream!"
"The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud."
"Grandchildren can be so f---ing annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
"The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery."
"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present."
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/cel...vers-quotes-20140905-3ex9p.html#ixzz3COSUJTuh
