share your jokes here

[Thcdomemommy]

Teacher says to her class " when i point u out i want u to stand up and say a sentence with the word INPROPER in it " teacher points to a rich girl so she stands up n says "My daddy said he was going to use a spade instead of a shovel , that was INPROPER " Very good says the teacher then points to a girl from a council estate she stands and says" last nite when me fella bent me over and i felt his balls hitting the inside of me leg i knew he was IN PROPER.

I've started the thread please add to it peace

 

[jokerman]

Napoleon takes over a village ,the folks are terrified.
He decides to go easy on everyone, so he gets all together in the square .
He makes each man take off his clothes.
He blind folds each woman and brings them one at time and they must put a mans member in their mouth and see if they can guess their husbands.
The first blindfolded woman takes the first one in her mouth and says " Not my husband" takes the second one in her mouth and says " not my husband " Does it the third and same answer,The forth time she does it says "Thats my husband!"
Sure enough it was her husband
The second one blindfolded does the same thing and on the third try says "Thats my husband"
Sure enough he was her husband too .
Napoleon ,not being dumb suspects something is fishy so the third woman steps up, he steps in line.
She puts the first one in her moth and says " Not my husband" Puts the second one in her mouth and says " not my husband" Puts the third one (Napoleon) in her mouth and says " Not from this villiage"

 

[flower~power]

That’s a woman who gets around….

 

[CharlesU Farley]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[armedoldhippy]

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

i have GOT to remember this one, i just gotta...

 

[right]

What do you do if someone is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in the laundry.

 

[Doctor Doob]

A little lizard was skipping down a trail in the woods when he heard a giggle from the tree tops and smelled some funny skunky smell.... He looked around and he heard another laugh, when all of a sudden he heard a voice "Hey dude! Up here! Do you smoke?".....
He looked up to where the voice came from and he sees a monkey
The monkey is up there roasting on a fatty! So the lizard climbed up and said "I never smoked before, but that sure does smell pretty good!" So the lizard and monkey shared the doobie and sat on the tree limb cracking each other up with jokes and smoking...
When the joint was gone, the lizard said "Man I'm pretty blazed! And my mouth is extremely dry!"...
The monkey pointed and said "Dude there is a swampy body of water over there, but I rarely go there because I heard there is scary creatures over there!"....
The lizard said "I'm not scared of shit bro! You said over there? I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a drink!...."
So the lizard heads off down the trail through the woods and finally makes it to the water. He leans down and takes a drink and realizes he can see his reflection, and he's never seen himself before. So he's stoned out of his mind cracking up laughing and poking at his reflection on the water to make himself look funny, when all of a sudden he falls in!!
He's never been to water that big, so he's freaking out trying to stay above the water when all of a sudden an alligator comes swimming up and throws him on his back and brings him to dry land. The lizard hopped off and said "Holy shit bro! You just saved my life!"... The alligator said "No worries little buddy! But you should be more careful!". The lizard laughed and said "I know! But bro this whole day has been a crazy adventure! I got to finally see myself in a reflection, I have never been to such a beautiful lake, even though I am so stoned I fell in... At least I met you, and you were here to save me, I climbed a tree and smoked some weed for the first time with this monkey! I know you probably don't believe me... Honestly, this whole day has been like a dazy hazy dream!".....
The alligator turned and said "Did you say you smoked with a monkey!?!?" The lizard said "Yeah bro he's like, maybe a football fields length of distance from here..."
The alligator said "I don't know dude, you sound pretty crazy... Was the bud any good though? Well hell I guess if you are here talking crazy it must be, I'll be right back dude, I'm going to see if he has any more and if he will smoke me out!"..
So the alligator heads down the trail and finds the monkey. He called up to the monkey "Hey dude! Do you happen to have any more of that dank bud????" The monkey looked down and said "HOLY SHIT DUDE! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK????"....

 

[CharlesU Farley]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[Frosty Nuggets]

A blonde woman is quite distraught about a breakup and is being consoled by her brunette friend who says 'look on the bright side' and excuses herself to go to the toilet.
A little while later the brunette comes back and sees the blonde standing in the middle of the room walking around in circles staring at the light bulb and asks her what she is doing, the blond says 'I'm trying to see which side is brighter so I can look on it as you suggested'.