I'm going slowly insane...

[thekingofNY]

So i figure i'll post in here for some hopefully words of wisdom or insight into my life that I haven't noticed or have been overlooking...

The last 6 months of my life have been insane. About 8 months ago I got out of my first serious relationship ever, and I am nearly 25. I moved 1300 miles to be with that girl, and lived with her for almost 3 years and she cheated on me.... However I moved out, acquired some clones from a great friend and started a cab... I got over her and we are still friends.

A few months into the grow I got laid off from the first job I have ever had that I actually enjoyed. That was a bit of a slap in the face, but I just kept on truckin'

Everything was going good, and I harvested everything about a month ago... I met this new girl who I was dating for the past 2 months, inclusively. I showed her the world... or rather as much as I could in two month. She said every weekend how much fun she had and that she was soo happy to be doing new stuff every weekend. Then suddenly last Saturday she sends me an email breaking up with me... via fucking email!

Basically saying that she thinks we were taking things a bit too fast and also she can't stand being stoned 24/7 or me being stoned all the time. She says she thinks i sleep, eat and breath marijuana.... I smoke for medical reasons, and she originally told me she would much rather have me smoking than taking the rx's i am prescribed for the pain.

Anyways, enough rambling.

I have no fucking idea what I want to do, and i have no ambition to do anything! Not even look for a job or a new apartment where I could continue growing. I don't even want to do drugs, which is weird cause i have always enjoyed the recreational use of things, and i have easy access to it and i have no desire for it. I dont even feel like smoking!

I should mention I am also on day 3 of not smoking any marijuana, although i was feeling all this stuff before I stopped smoking, I figured maybe stopping smoking would help clear my head and let me figure out what I want to do now with my life....(I have been smoking daily for years)...

I have no close friends in this area (closest are about 50 miles away).... closest family i have is over 1000 miles away, I no longer have a job and can't risk growing in this location again.... I have been trying to keep busy, but I have run out of things to do, and I just ain't motivated to do anything else. I really wish I could be dead but I would never do that, I just wish I could get hit by a car or something honorable like that. (i want a easy way out)

I tried getting out of the house a few times this week, I went to a really nice park and went for a nice hike and swim, I also went downtown and walked around, But I still ended up back here at my apartment wishing i was dead. I know that life is rarely ever easy and the more you try to plan it out, the more that it wont happen that way, but I am just not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to do,

If i had money saved up, I would be moving to a more marijuana friendly growing location, or If i had friends out west I would move out there I think. Starting another grow here really isnt an option, although i wish i could cause it would give me something to do and focus my time and energy on, however its reallly a horrible location for a grow.

Ideas that I might now have thought of already? Or anyone have gone through a similar phase in there life? I feel like i have accomplished absolutely fucking nothing in life and am "lost" with no direction to go.

 

[One Love]

Sounds like you have hit that point in life where you are on the verge of being a complete and boring adult, but still want to have all the fun stuff going on like it did in your glory days. I can only speak from personal experience, but I have felt like this several times throughout my life, and i'm sure the majority of people go through this stage a few times before they learn to cope.
I typically find a new hobby to invigorate my mind when I get to feeling down and out. I really enjoy a physical challenge to really get the blood flow up and all the endorphins pumping through my body. An activity such as Mountain Biking, or Jogging would be along the lines I'm thinking. Both these activities will provide you with some excitement and maybe that new/fresh feeling you're looking for. Remember that Ganja is wonderful medicine, but its nice to wind down with, or use before doing an exciting activity. The activity of somking is the easy part, its finding something entertaining to do while in that mindset that can be difficult. Don't be afraid to turn the page and break out of the complacency you find yourself in.

Say it with me: "I rule my destiny! I rule my destiny! I rule my destiny!"-Bob Marley

You're in good company here brother, just pick yourself up and carry that stone a little further than before.

 

[Grow Tech]

Maybe there's some ICmagers in your area that you could get together with. Or...maybe you have some other interests that you could people in common to share with. Meetup.com lists many groups all over the place.

Both these options would require you have to go out and do the sometimes scary thing of meeting new people but....I can tell you from experience, I have meet some truely excellent people through this site & have progressed from being on-line friends to getting together in the physical world.

Dude...as youre finding, life can serve up shit sandwiches...the sun will rise tomorrow I promise. Just don't do anything that will effect your ability to see that light.

Peace & Best Wishes!

PS- I think cookies make any day better...even if theyre not medicated.

 

[metamorf]

I feel ya bro. I really do. I've been in that place many times and all I can say is - it will pass. As everything must, it eventually passes. Keep yourself occupied with something physical and you'll feel a lot better. I don't know exactly what kind of pain you're suffering from but if you can stand it without the MJ, staying clean might just be a real smart move right now. At least until you've cleared your head and got a sense of a direction.

And oh yeah, cookies are good medicine - even without mj.

 

[Scoobs]

Your going to feel down for a few days after quitting as your brain/body adjusts serotonin levels and other neurotransmitters.

In the mean time:

Figure out who you are!

Figure out what you want!

Take the first step towards your goal!

And remember this.........There is no wrong way to live, there is only what is wrong or right for you.

 

[thekingofNY]

Your going to feel down for a few days after quitting as your brain/body adjusts serotonin levels and other neurotransmitters.

In the mean time:

Figure out who you are!

Figure out what you want!

Take the first step towards your goal!

And remember this.........There is no wrong way to live, there is only what is wrong or right for you.

Thanks everyone that responded already... but scoobs, i was feeling this way long before i decided to quit.... half the problem is i have no desire to do anything, like figure out who i am or what i want to to, or get a job.... this unemployement ain't gonna last forever, but that doesn't even phase me....

Regardless... thanks again, I was going to put this in the 'Den, but I wanted some older wisdom...

 

[accessndx]

King, King....King. I dig 'ya man. I've spoken to you via chat, and we've had some interaction here in the threads. I really do empathize with your situation. I'm going to give you the scoop: it sounds like you're clinically depressed. More than likely this is a chemical change in the brain due to emotional, situational, environmental and drug related factors. If it's any consolation, there have been definite times in my life where I felt like "I'd be better off dead" or "I'm totally bored and don't know what to do" or "Every day is exactly the same....what's the point?". There was a very long period of time where I couldn't enjoy anything, including sex and my drive went straight into the crapper. The bottom line is that I couldn't figure out what was wrong. In my particular case I found out that the issue was stemming from the rather frequent recreational use of Xanax. I spoke with a colleague and he mentioned something that should have been obvious immediately; this medicine affects the balance of serotonin and dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is what we derive pleasure from....every bit of gambling, sex, drugs, food, etc. that you "get off on" or indulge releases dopamine. If you've been overloading your brain with dopamine, it will take increasingly larger doses to stimulate the pleasure response. This is more than likely at least a portion of what is affecting you. In my case, the med. was flooring my dopamine to almost non-functional levels.
This type of change can happen with a combination of drugs, but also can occur if you are experiencing emotional and physical states that challenge your brain in the same way.
Here's the good news; if you give it awhile and let your brain reboot things will be cool again. Sometimes to do this you have to engage in novel activities that will stimulate the production and release of dopamine. That's simple: activities that give you pleasure.
Additionally you should be making sure you've got the right raw materials to do so: vitamin supplementation, sleep, exercise, etc (ie-the basics).
Sometimes taking on a new and challenging endeavor is therapeutic. I encourage you to start finding a new broad asap, find a new location to grow....(I remember you talking about growing for people that need meds & that's a really honorable thought!)...and you should invariably find a new job that you like.

That's my 2 cents. Hope it helps somewhat, but I know from experience that your situation can be difficult to extricate yourself from without time and effort.

Peace out bro.

 

[jarff]

"When you change the way you look at things...the things you look at change"..**Wayne Dyer**

many go through these rough times..then things get better...always

jarff

 

[devilgoob]

like onelove said: youre turning into a boring adult.

burning yourself out by smoking can make you boring, it's happened to me a few times...all you gotta do is what you're doing...just quit for a while..get your head on straight..and then moderate when you start back up.

everything is kind of confusing after you first quit..you feel lost and like your life has lost its passion, but eventually youll find a calling or purpose...or youll run out of money, get a job..and then from the job..buy weed, but the job will help you get a sense of life and direction so when you do smoke the reefer again..you are more secure in your identity and can still smoke without burning yourself out.

those are mostly just my personal experiences..and finding the right woman is very fucking hard. everyone goes through that struggle..and if you dont meet anyone throughout your whole life..then it means you can live without. I seriously wouldnt mind just fucking a chick here and there without ever getting married, not just because I am young, but because I dont need anyone and can be happy all by myself.

 

[koolaid]

get a job, choose a sport (bycicle riding works for me), get knackered practicing them, be an in surance salesman... gosh, i personnally would get even more depressed...

Anyway it's time for a sporty break from smoking (so u get enough tired to get to sleep without a smoke, the other solution is get a job and work yur balls off), the bad feelings never last forever: u'll realize that that girlie ain't worth it

and finally to quote yur beloved John Gotti:
"i take the odds at 3 to 1 that i will win this trial" (to the feds on his second trial)

Good luck to u

 

[southflorida]

king..of..ny......I think your steps should be something like this:

(1) go find a job....this is most important at this moment
(2) save up some money from your wages.....and either move out west or back closer to your family
(3) smoke in moderation...when the time is right...not daily...unless you win the lottery....because when money ends...and you have nowhere to get it...its like losing oxygen...you might have to turn to stealing to just feed yourself...and most likely you will end up on the street or living with those friends that are 50 miles away

but how long they will let you live with them if you are not working....is a big question

concerning women .... that is a tough subject .... but it's something like this...*can't live with them....can't live without them*

but whatever you do...get your cash flow going.....ASAP

 

[thekingofNY]

king..of..ny......I think your steps should be something like this:

(1) go find a job....this is most important at this moment
(2) save up some money from your wages.....and either move out west or back closer to your family
(3) smoke in moderation...when the time is right...not daily...unless you win the lottery....because when money ends...and you have nowhere to get it...its like losing oxygen...you might have to turn to stealing to just feed yourself...and most likely you will end up on the street or living with those friends that are 50 miles away

but how long they will let you live with them if you are not working....is a big question

concerning women .... that is a tough subject .... but it's something like this...*can't live with them....can't live without them*

but whatever you do...get your cash flow going.....ASAP

Thanks man... Because of the economy, a good job is just not out there right now for me, I got a few offers for temp. work (however only short term and i would loose my UE), and they wanted to pay me exactly what I'm making now on unemployement... (my last job i got laid off from was in the IT field and I was making some decent money for my age with no degree, put it this way, I now get 50% of my gross pay before, and no deductions taken out...

Now do i wana live on UE for the rest of my life? Hell no, I'd go fucking crazy.... but i ain't taking a job I don't really enjoy working at and pays me 10 bucks an hour -taxes (both fed and state), health insurance (*its MANDATORY in this state), Social security and FFSA or whatever they are called... cause i make that much $$$ now, hanging out in ic chat.

I am not saying i haven't been looking for a job, I just am not going to take any old random job. I have been working for over 10 years on the books, the state i grew up in lets people start working at 14, so I am pretty burnt out on work.... these few months off have realllly been nice as work was burning me out by itself.

I know i need to find something to keep busy, weather its a job, a new hobby, anything really just to get out of the house on a regular basis...

I should mention that moving back close to my family would be my LAST resort, i'd really rather live homeless on the streets, they don't accept me for who I am, or the hobbies I choose, my mom even called and got me arrested twice for simple possesion.

Thanks again though guys... like i said I don't have any close friends near by, and even the ones I do i dont really feel comfortable talking to them about all this and they are busy dealing with their own shit right now. So you guys really help alot, or rather help me see that it aint that bad and that it will eventually get better.

 

[Weedman Herb]

I think you might be OC

I think you might be OC

Obsessively compulsive. Something you said earlier caught my eye ... you moved 1300 miles for a chick who dumped you? To a non grow friendly crib? That's a radical move IMHO ... You went from somewhere comfortable to the Big Unknown with a shallow grip on a woman and now you're Lost In Space. So you snagged the next warm, soft creature that rolled by your "space" and promptly scared her off by moving fast in a relationship and smoking Mad Weed. Summarization - So you move for a woman and when that's over you swoop in on the new one showing her the time of her life for a few months ... probably spending your nest egg (most growers and slingers have JIC money stashed) only to get slammed Again via E-Mail no less (a punks way out). What have you done for YOU King. You need to rebuild the King. It probably isn't the pot or the women ... although they can exacerbate things in a mind that has been weakened by emotional and physical stress (moving ain't easy ... neither is getting the shaft). The only thing you say you want to do for You is die ... but you'd never do that ("that" being suicide) and you're looking for the easy way out. Waiting for a car to hit you? After you've just been thrown under the bus by not 1 but 2 women? You're 1 step away from rationalizing your weakened psyche into a toe trigger action IMHO. access had it right ... and I'm saying this as a fellow chatter and someone who finds you funny and smart ... seek help for depression.

 

[asa42]

i suck at words of encouragement.

king, i hate to hear the bs chicks have done to ya! an email...sheesh.

time has been the only thing that ever helps me outta a bad state. hopefully it will help ya too.

 

[thekingofNY]

Slowly getting better....

Slowly getting better....

Obsessively compulsive. Something you said earlier caught my eye ... you moved 1300 miles for a chick who dumped you? To a non grow friendly crib? That's a radical move IMHO ... You went from somewhere comfortable to the Big Unknown with a shallow grip on a woman and now you're Lost In Space. So you snagged the next warm, soft creature that rolled by your "space" and promptly scared her off by moving fast in a relationship and smoking Mad Weed. Summarization - So you move for a woman and when that's over you swoop in on the new one showing her the time of her life for a few months ... probably spending your nest egg (most growers and slingers have JIC money stashed) only to get slammed Again via E-Mail no less (a punks way out). What have you done for YOU King. You need to rebuild the King. It probably isn't the pot or the women ... although they can exacerbate things in a mind that has been weakened by emotional and physical stress (moving ain't easy ... neither is getting the shaft). The only thing you say you want to do for You is die ... but you'd never do that ("that" being suicide) and you're looking for the easy way out. Waiting for a car to hit you? After you've just been thrown under the bus by not 1 but 2 women? You're 1 step away from rationalizing your weakened psyche into a toe trigger action IMHO. access had it right ... and I'm saying this as a fellow chatter and someone who finds you funny and smart ... seek help for depression.

I should have clarified that more, I moved 1300 miles to get the fuck away from the place I grew up and my family an "friends" (like i mentioned before, id rather live in the streets than live with them I think, as they don't approve of what we do at all and have had me arrested for simple possession twice!), I just happened to meet this girl I liked at the same time and we really hit it off, so I said New England? Why the hell not.... All my friends back home are addicted to hard drugs, and I am fairly certain I probably would be too if I didnt leave. I have always been very spontaneous, that's my MO, if i had a friend offer me a place to stay out west or even somewhere across the world, i'd probably start packing my stuff tomorrow.

I already mentioned i would never take my own life... that's for the weak imo. And all these people and shit just are not worth that. Plus i have good credit and if I was going to do that I'd be traveling the world right now racking up a ton of debt first. Maybe 10 years ago when I was still a teenager I would have considered that.

It's really weird how this depression comes in waves, Yesterday I was wishing the world would end or i could get hit by a bus, Today not so much.... while I am still depressed its not half as bad today. Today is the 4th day I have not smoked any pot... So I am sure that has something to do with it. But again like I said I had these feels of "being lost" or having no direction in my life before I stopped smoking.

we didnt Move really fast in the relationship at all, those were just her words, infact i have never taken a so much time or put so much effort into courting a girl.... same thing with me smoking all the time, again her words, i smoke 1-2 grams a day, normally closer to 1. If i was working it would probably be half that.

I just mentioned I wish i would get hit by a car or bus to try to help you guys see how I felt. Although I have to say I am doing alot better today than I was yesterday, so maybe the marijuana has something to do with it.

The only real desire I have right now is too help people and grow weed, preferably helping sick people by growing them weed. I don't really see myself working a normal 9-5 like the rest of America.

I have a feeling tomorrow will be even better.

 

[Murphy]

Physical Exercise man, work out, jog, whatever. Do it for 2 weeks and check back in with us, you will see, your head will clear, you will have a much better perception on life and your motivation in general will skyrocket. 2 weeks man, just commit to it for 2 weeks, I'm telling you this will help you more than any words from anyone right now. I know where you are, I've been there and this was the best thing I did for myself. The best part is, you will feel the "rush" like never before so you still get high everyday too! Seriously King, commit to getting off of your ass, things will come together much quicker and you will be much happier.

 

[Grow Tech]

Glad to hear things are a little better King!

 

[Lucky 7]

seek help for depression.

Take your B vitamins & go to a health food store & get some St. John's wort.

I had an incredibly disappointing 2007; hit the wall. This herb really helped, & without the side effects of the more potent anti-depressants. Give it a try. What's to lose?

 

[Stoner4Life]

First of all bro just keep your head fed by kind meds guilt free.

You've listed a bunch of major problems & I'm sure you feel
many other smaller issues gnawing at you as well every day.

If you let all these problems become the monster that you
have then your reaction is a need to slay that monster and
that's something that you can't do, you need to pick a
single issue or problem and solve it (in your case I'd suggest
finding a job first) then move on to the next challenge and
so on bro.......

imo, get a job first as it will occupy time, give you focus on
something other than your problems, provide income and so
therefore opportunities as well.

imho, forget love for now as it the least forgiving of things
you might be willing to lose, you have less control over an
emotional relationship than a working one.

Don't let these problems become an unbeatable foe bro, take
control and be the master of every situation. Use the strength
and savvy that led you 1300 miles from home and forge ahead.
You swam just halfway across the river before tiring and the
option of turning around doesn't exist, I know you well enough
not to just be giving up.......


Joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one
sits alone with you . . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
~Kahlil Gibran~

 

[mazzakush]

maybe it is time to take a break from smoking, but also, what the brother said above... don't feel guilty for medicating either.

and also, don't listen to all these folks talking about how to seek help for depression or oc or any of that shit. I've been there and back again man... yeah dude, it gets real fuckin depressing when your in a town all by yourself and can't have any close friends due to the herb. or just stuck a long way from any real help. fucken eh. Thing is it may last a bit... there is no pill or quick fix it that will make you feel ok about your life if your really sucks (as you see it) right now. stay with that emotion actually, its ok to feel that your life sucks and even want to be hit by a train (as long as you don't actually do it). Sit with em a bit and just go, ok... i feel like I just don't give a shit and want to die... and hang out with it. As wierd as it sounds it works. and then.... figure out what it is you want to do. Grow again? hell yeah, vow to grow the dankest fuckin bud the world has seen and then fuckin go at it. And there will be one thousand steps you don't really want to take b'twn growing again and where your at... but if you can just keep that goal in mind.... with each step you'll gain momentum.

you'll fuckin make it bro