Humerous Stories (Let's Hear Them)

[Closet Funk]

We are all stoners and are entitled to a good laugh. Let's hear some classic stories that you have encountered in your life. Here is one of mine to start things out.

It was Christmas Break around 1997. Me and my friend walked up to the dollar store to get some candy that was on sale. For some reason this place was packed with a line all the way through the store. We grabbed what we needed and got in the long line. This guys comes storming in with a attitude mumbling to himself. We are standing right by the candy isle. This guy goes down the isle and screams at this fat lady grabbing the last bag of candy he yells "Let go of the candy or I'll break your fucking neck" she turns around with a look of fear in her eyes. This guy behind us yells at the guy "I don't think so" and the other guy points at him with a evil stare and yells "You shut the fuck up I'll slap the shit out of you" by that time the lady is in tears. Here comes the manager running to the scene "Excuse me sir there is no need to use that kind of tone in my store" and the guys tells him "Well this fat cunt should of gave me what I wanted" the manager then tells someone to call the police. By that time me and my friend were almost in tears because it all happening right in front of us. When the police were called the guy then ran out. The guy that got threated to get slapped didn't say nothing after he got threatend. I guess he was scared. This guy was nuts. It was halarious though. Something I will always remember.

 

[Closet Funk]

No stories.

 

[PeterMoss]

My friends and I are always the pranksters messing around. We just kind of do stuff sometimes just to get some chuckles through the day. The other day we went to this really nice restaurant and had a good meal and quite a few beers. As we were leaving this older couple were coming in, holding the door for us, and on the way out my friend held his stomach and said, "Boy if that wasnt the worst food I ever had." HaHa and as we got in our car we see the couple get in theres.

 

[Guest]

Here's a short one... About two weeks ago I thought I had to pass some gas, and well, like my dad always used to say when I was a kid... "Farts do not have lumps."

Good thing I was at home.

 

[PeterMoss]

Oh and another time. A group of 4 of us went out and to the bars and had quite a few beers. Well my buddy was swerving and we ended up getting pulled over. He failed all the tests including the breathalyzer and was placed under arrest and thrown in the back of the cop car. The cop told the rest of us to get out of the car so he could search it and told us to call for a ride home. (Must be able to search a vehicle after a dwi?) We got out of the car and asked if he was going to search the trunk. We were all laughing as he called in another cop and watched them tear my buddies car right apart.

 

[I Used To Grow]

I got some good stories from back in the day..well, like 3 years ago..lol

One night I scored an ounce of some mid grade bud with barely any seeds. I decided to make up a batch of "special brownies" for my friends and I. I used 3/4ths of the ounce to make the brownies. The treats were done around 9 PM and that's when my friends showed up. There was me, my girlfriend, her friend, and 3 of my friends. We each ate one brownie around 9:15 PM. I got hungry and decided I needed another one around 9:45 PM. Pretty soon the pan was down to 3 brownies left. I ate one and two of my friends each had one. So around 11 PM everyone was zoned out to the max but still coherent enough to talk and tell jokes...except for Ruth, my g/f's friend. This girl acted like she was on some sort of psychadelic..she ran around my apt. chasing a cat none of us could see except her..she laid on the couch with her head in my g/f's lap crying her eyes out because she thought she was gonna die and then all of us had to help calm her down by telling her it's just pot brownies they won't hurt you. She finally relaxed and had a good time but not before making a plea to go to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. Ruth hasn't touched weed since and I don't think she ever will again. Good Times man, good times.

The same year as the weed brownies happened I had a run in with some very potent magic mushrooms. I was with one friend of mine and his friend up the road in a ski town here in Colorado. We met the dealer at Subway and got our half ounce of shrooms. We headed over to the dealer's condo where I proceeded to eat my whole Quarter ounce of shrooms in one sitting with some water and crackers. 20 minutes after eating the whole bag I went into the bathroom only to find myself trapped in the Matrix...lol..I came out of the bathroom with a huge grin on my face until I heard some old ass country song by Hank Williams which really turned me off for some reason. My friends were ready to go since I was already tripping balls so we got into my Mustang and headed home. They dropped me and my car off and I walked inside my apt and sat down at the computer so I could listen to some tunes of my choice. After I started listening to some Red Hot Chili Peppers I looked at the door and saw something black oozing its way into my living room...the neighbors upstairs were yelling too..so that and the ooze under my door freaked me out enough that I got in my car and drove downtown and sat in my car in McDonald's parking lot watching all the pretty colors around me..this was the middle of winter and I had my windows down watching all the pretty stuff fly around me. As soon as it got dark enough to where I felt safe driving again I took off and went back to my apt. and continued tripping and listening to some Dave Matthews Band for the next few hours. That was a very strange trip indeed but fun..it was cool once I thought I was in the Matrix because for a few minutes I thought I was Neo and could do all the cool shit he can do...then that damn Hank Williams song ruined it for me and my trip just got slightly insane.

 

[HeresTheDank]

Back when i was like a freshman in high school was when i started hangin out with a lot of the stoners and partiers, and we'd always go to this chicks house because her mom was never home and even if she was she didnt care if we chilled there, she just didnt know about the blazing. One night we were there all gettin loaded and 1/2 hour later we wanted to smoke more and the last anyone had seen the weed was on the coffee table wher we all were the whole time minus a few minutes when we went outside to check if someone was home...once we decided to smoke again we ran into a problem, the sack was gone, we searched everywheree for it and it seemed like an eternity cause we were all young bucks with not the high tolerances we have now, and after searchin cupboards, couches, tv's bathroom, pantry, fridge someone goes out back pissed to smoke a cig and we hear "holy shit, come here!" and we run outside and our buddy was chasing the chicks dog around and the dog had our ziplock full of nuggies in its mouth. The combination of everything made it funny as shit at that time

 

[Closet Funk]

Bout dam time some people share some stories. Where is Verite at? I know he has some funny shit to post.

 

[slyfoxberg]

so i took off out of chicago one holiday weekend to visit some friends up north. i took the metra train so i could have a few drinks and enjoy a 2 hour train ride from the urban cityscape to the rolling countryside of northern illinois. very relaxing, especially with all of the little town along the way.
once out in the outer burbs, my buddy "Toad" took me off to the bar. after the 6 pack of old style tall boys i had on the train as well as the weed before and after the train ride, i was quite thirsty. for this weekend visit i had brought the last 2 hits of acid i had (loosely wrapped in a cig cellophane) as well as my hanging postal scale, my dugout (with a little mexi brown in it) and about a gram of some decent green in a plastic bag. since i was wearing shorts, when we got to the bar, i tossed my one-hitter under the little console thing in his car before we went in (foreshadowing).
we drank our fill at the local watering hole, won a little cash at pool and he called a friend of ours who indicated he had a certain pharm. south american import i might be interested in and we headed out to his place with a fresh 12 pack of old style in the back of his 86' cutlass.
well... it wasn't exactly fresh... we had each opened up a beer as we pulled out of the bar parking lot, and damn were they good. until about a mile down the road when a cop car coming the opposite direction hit his lights and did a U-ey (sp?). my buddy tossed his beer out my window at the same time i did mine and began to slow down. we still debate to this day how fast he was going. i thought we were at 55 in a 55, so did he, but the ticket said 65 in a 45, go figure.
anyway, we ditch the beers and the cop pulls us over and as he shines the flashlight around he sees the open 12 pack with 2 beers missing. now we're both well over 21 at this point, but DWI is DWI so he decides to search the car. Toad and i are standing at the back of his car leaning on the front of the cop car, the "rollers" are flashing all over the place and the cop starts digging through the car going right for the 12 pak in the back seat. while he was busy, i swallowed the cellophane with the blotter in it as well as the gram of bud i had and ditched the scale. my buddy seemed relieved and looked at me and I said "ohh bad boyz bad boyz... whachoogonnado" and I swear to god at the same time the cop comes up out of the car with my one hitter in his hand and looks back at us and then back at it. at that moment my buddy Toad asks "whachoo gonna do when they come for you?" if i hadn't been shitting my pants at getting so close to getting busted and then not and then getting busted again, i woulda laughed, he would have too. instead, the cop called a couple of detectives out to search the car.
we both claimed ignorance on the one hitter. it worked so well for us in a small town kind of way. my friend worked for a used car lot in town and the local detectives borrowed cars from his lot to use in undercover gigs, so when they showed up to search the car, they just laughed and let us go on our way. they even let us keep our beer, after we locked up in the trunk so we would no longer be tempted. to top it off, my buddy had been on the football team with the narco sgts. son.
thats my LONG (sorry I am drunk and stoned and rambling) and funny story. i coulda gone on about the way the used car lot connection helped uur cannibinol activities, but i have rambled enough and don't ned to bore the masses anymore.

 

[slyfoxberg]

here's another quick one.... my friend fromt he last story and i are in a tiity bar with his room mate. were tripping on shroomz and drinking a ton of beer. this damn place charged $2.50 for there beer.
all the other titty bars in the area rounded off their beer prices to the $ so all they could give out was one dollar bills as change and us drunken slobs could then feed the singles into the waiting g-strings. well... as luck would have it, i ran out of singles before i ran out of beer and when one lovely lady swung around the brass pole for her dollar, i dropped 4 quarters down the front of her, well, i guess you could technically call them panties. she was not happy. niether were the big burly guys who kicked us out of the place. they got busted for prostitution about a month later. oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

 

[Closet Funk]

i ran out of singles before i ran out of beer and when one lovely lady swung around the brass pole for her dollar, i dropped 4 quarters down the front of her

that's awesome. Hey! a dollar is a dollar. Take it or leave it trick.

 

[bigjayworks]

Back when i was like a freshman in high school was when i started hangin out with a lot of the stoners and partiers, and we'd always go to this chicks house because her mom was never home and even if she was she didnt care if we chilled there, she just didnt know about the blazing. One night we were there all gettin loaded and 1/2 hour later we wanted to smoke more and the last anyone had seen the weed was on the coffee table wher we all were the whole time minus a few minutes when we went outside to check if someone was home...once we decided to smoke again we ran into a problem, the sack was gone, we searched everywheree for it and it seemed like an eternity cause we were all young bucks with not the high tolerances we have now, and after searchin cupboards, couches, tv's bathroom, pantry, fridge someone goes out back pissed to smoke a cig and we hear "holy shit, come here!" and we run outside and our buddy was chasing the chicks dog around and the dog had our ziplock full of nuggies in its mouth. The combination of everything made it funny as shit at that time

HAHA THE DOG.. when i was younger living as an xpac in the philippines me and my bro decided to really load up for the summer and bought a a pound of weed wich was like 50$ of som pure sativa. That day we hadent thought about were we would stash our bud, we didnt relize that it would smell so strong, be so big to really hide in a family of 5 people before we bought it. So that night we came home blazzzzzzzzzzzed of our heads and decided to hide the pound in the bushes. We had a German shepard by tha way.. next morning we decided to have a early wake and bake before our parents got up.. like at 6.. we go open our front door of the house to pick up our stash and i see my dog sleeping beside the big bag torn apart bad, with buds everrrrrywere all around the floor right infront of my house... i felt so lucky we were the first to the scence. we had to get another bag and some nugs smelled like dog breath blaaaaaa funny now that i think about it

 

[Delta9-THC]

: ) thats funny big jay ...dog breath bud

urgh

seeing as everyones posting close calls I will too ...Later on maybe

 

[Jam Master Jaco]

Oh man, I've got the best one:

I used to smoke in my shower all the time (I still do now and again for kicks) but back when I lived with my parents it was the only place I could smoke.
(For those who don't know, you shove a towel under the door and turn the water on really hot so it gets all steamy, then turn on the bathroom fan and blow your hits into it. then take a long shower with the fan on the entire time an d you're good)

Anyways, I was standing on my bathroom sink to get the hits closer to the fan. This was back when I only smoked brick weed (60 an oz) but on this particular night I bought some bomb chronic. Well needless to say, I started to get really high standing up on that sink. Before I knew it I was getting kinda wobbly, so I told myself "whoa jam master, you better get down before you hurt yourself".

To which I replied "Alright, but just one more hit first"

Well I took the hit, got really light headed...and fell over backwards right into my shower. I had a glass pipe in my hand that I tried to catch myself with...and it shattered into my hand. I fell into the shower and tore the whole curtain down with me. So I lay there, getting water in my face, bleeding all over myself, and my high instantly turned into absolute paranoia.

The cuts weren't deep at all and I was able to dig out all the glass from my hand and feet (I stepped in the glass as I picked myself out of the shower).

At the time this was definately NOT a funny story, but when I'm sitting around drinking with friends it makes for a great tale.

 

[motaco]

when I was a teenager I was a manager of a movie theatre. well one day I went to work early so I could get high in peace before anyone else came. I went out on the roof and had my bong and sat on side the air conditioner. well its like 2 hours before anyone is supposed to be there and I see this weird guy who works at the theatre show up. he's in his 40's and always spoke proudly of being a virgin and talking christiany shit.

its like 2hrs before he's supposed to be there and he pulls to the side of the building by the dumpster and parks.

I sneak over to that corner of the building to see what he is doing and he was beating off.

 

[Holdin']

Didn't your parents hear you crash 'n burn?

I used to use the same exact method to keep my dad from knowing I was burnin' one, two or four. He knew I smoked weed but I just didn't like him interrogating me about it. I only got caught once doing it in the shower (MJ, you pervs), and that was because I was so baked and so relaxed after the shower, it slipped my mind I left and empty baggie and my piece on the counter...

 

[Holdin']

when I was a teenager I was a manager of a movie theatre. well one day I went to work early so I could get high in peace before anyone else came. I went out on the roof and had my bong and sat on side the air conditioner. well its like 2 hours before anyone is supposed to be there and I see this weird guy who works at the theatre show up. he's in his 40's and always spoke proudly of being a virgin and talking christiany shit.

its like 2hrs before he's supposed to be there and he pulls to the side of the building by the dumpster and parks.

I sneak over to that corner of the building to see what he is doing and he was beating off.

If that's true, that is the best thing I've probably heard all day.

 

[OzzBozz]

yeah
one time i made weed brownies a couple years back and my mom ate them. i even put a note on the container saying "for school: do not eat" and she ate one... and all i remember was her being really tired and going to sleep

 

[motaco]

yeah its true. unfortunately. I mean I didn't see his dick in his hand. but he was parked on the side of a dumpster behind a building. sitting in his car with one arm moving up and down rapidly. I don't think there is too many things he could've been doing.

 

[Bravado!]

Back in my younger years of smoking, I think it goes the same for everyone when they first start smoking, uncontrolable laughter was a common thing among the group I smoked with. Well, after a particular heavy smoking session with a few of our other friends we decided to go and hang out with one of our friends mom at work (Yeah, it dosent make any sense now...but I guess it did at the time) so we arrive at her work, some office, and were bullshitting with her for a bit and then decided to go hang out in the break room. At some point we decided to sit on the couches they had in there and just stare at our hands for no reason. Looking back at it, it all seems pretty cliche, but as we all sat there we broke into an insane laughter. It lasted a good 20-30 minutes. Finally some worker busts into the room and looks at us, grabs a cup of coffee and leaves. We kept laughing after they left. We finally took off after 2 hours in his moms break room. Good times, good times