Chuckles for the day.

[RockyMountainHi]

Greetings all - I'd like to open my first post and share a smile.

I used to grow - looking forward to starting a garden really soon.

For now how bout a chuckel for the day.

The Outhouse...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.....Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


From somewhere HIGH in the Rocky Mountains.

 

[cb8412]

haha thats pretty funny. welcome to the forums and good luck on your next grow!

 

[RockyMountainHi]

Hiya cb,

I'm stoked for sure!

I have to repair my grow light - I'm looking for that info now.

In the mean time here's another,,

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Miami. They turned a corner and read a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They look at each other with disbelief, then go in thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender saying, "That's 40 cents, please" They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these, for only a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from New York," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice two bald guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them. One man gestures at the two at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired Air Force pilots. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

 

[cb8412]

ha! sounds like retirees to me! lol. on an off topic, how did you get the quote under your name and the picture under that? im havin problems.

 

[RockyMountainHi]

click on user menu for drop down
click on user CP
look on left side of screen - find settings and options

Edit signature does siggy edit avatar does avitar - - I have another avaitar that is the same size and won't load -- keeps comming back ad fole too big 15K or summtin




They don't let newbs do much until we can work and play well with others or some silly thing.


ehhhh - no biggie - ouple jokes a day - couple odd n ends posts - it'll b cool

 

[RockyMountainHi]

dammmmmmmm Tough cowd....

now I see y nobody else wnats to do a regular joke round.
well,, not easily detoured, maybe this will brighten your day,

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you
think of this:


A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"


Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!


Keep the shinny side up you two wheel types!

 

[karma-shmarma]

Rofl
good jokes

 

[cb8412]

rmh- thanks for the info. and another funny joke

 

[RockyMountainHi]

Greeting all.

Any golfers?
How about a golf joke for today?
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite
the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and! asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her offhand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[RockyMountainHi]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

 

[RockyMountainHi]

And the best for Friday!

Be careful what you wish for!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[messn'n'gommin']

A husband and wife are watching TV when the phone rings. The husband picks it up and listens for a second and says, "How the hell am I supposed to know that buddy, that's 500 miles away?" and hangs up. The wife asked her husband who was on the phone and the husband says, "I don't know. Some dang fool that wanted to know if the coast was clear."

 

[RockyMountainHi]

G'mornin kind readers,,,

G'mornin mess,
that seems to bring back faint memories,,,,, hmmmmmm


here's a quicky to start the day - or finish,,,,,,

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower,
I stand in front of the mirror,
complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
Uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
I stand in Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between
my Breasts every day will make them larger?"

Without missing a beat he says,
"Worked for your butt,
didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy,
may even Walk again......

;-)

Keep the shinny side up all!

 

[messn'n'gommin']

lol...a bit more vivid for me...but wtf...we live and learn...primarily do NOT marry a woman who's genetic makeup descends from Lucifer!

 

[RockyMountainHi]

Things they don't tell ya about getting old.

Three elderly gentlemen on the porch of the rest home in their rocking chairs.

70-ish fellow says: "I wish I could take a healthy pizz again" - and continues rocking.

80-ish fellow says: "I wish I could take a healthy s**t again" - and continues rocking.

90-ish fellow looks at them, and says "I don't have a problem with any of that.
Every morning, about 6:30, I take a healthy pizz. Then about 8 o'clock, I take a healthy s**t...


I just wish I could wake up before nine!"




And,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I had to add this one later,,,.





Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For
crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail.""Jail?" cried Sam!! "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?""Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that
when I got into court, I pled "guilty," and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."



And,,,,,,,,,
This in from the campaign trail:




'Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how so you propose we go about that', asked Bill? 'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador.'

"When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there".

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the Bartender takes a step back and say's, "aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton ?" Hillary answers, "yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

'Tell me' said Hillary, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?' 'Good Lord no,' said the bartender. 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a**holes!"



Hope at least one worked for ya!
I am a lowly worm who can not yet send rep or pm's or even READ my pm's - but rest assured, I will stand my probations with uhhhhhhh what is it? oh yeah,, paitence.


Remember- If the women don't find ya handsom, they should at least find ya handy.

 

[-ShutterBug-]

Here's a joke for yah....
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

 

[-ShutterBug-]

And one more for kicks...
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

 

[-ShutterBug-]

O.k. I just can't help myself...
A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie fires it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

 

[RED145]

I hear the makers of Pabst are getting together with Smirnoff to make a new drink,.......it's called a Pabst-Smir!!!!

 

[-ShutterBug-]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me, and my girlfriend was a dream!!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much
indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore
tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when near me and I got many
pleasant views of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and deisres for me that
she could not overcome and did not want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. I was in total shock and couldn`t say a word.


She said, "I`m going upstairs to my bedroom and if you
want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I
was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she
pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs
at me. I stood there for a moment then turned and
went straight to the front door. I opened the door
and stepped out of the house - walking straight to my
car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn`t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

So, the moral of the story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.