A Guy Walks Into A Bar....

[Hal]

A guy walks into the bar by himself and orders two Guinness stouts. The bartender looks at him curiously. “One Guinness is for me,” the man explains, “the other for my poor, sickly brother back in the old country. He’s barely hanging on.” The bartender shrugs and pours the stouts. This goes on for most of the night and the next night and the one after that.

After about a week of drinking two stouts at a time, one for him, one for his sickly brother, the man comes into the bar looking particularly downhearted and orders just one Guinness. “It’s your brother, isn’t it?” the barman says solemnly. “Nothing wrong with him,” the man shrugs. “It’s me who’s given up the drink.”

 

[HuffAndPuff]

Bwahahaha. Nice! I'll return the serve.

A guy walks into a bar... He probably should've ducked.

But seriously....

A rabbi, an Irish-Catholic priest and a black guy walk into a bar.... Bartender looks at them and says, "what is this, some kind of a fucking joke?!"

 

[ROJO145]

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high

 

[Hal]

Hehehe... #2 is a true classic! Another one, backatcha:

Two guys are walking their dogs. One has a big German Shepherd, the other a tiny Chihuahua. They pass by a very fancy restaurant and the guy with the Shepherd suggests they stop in for a drink. “They’re not going to let us in with the dogs,” the man with the Chihuahua says. Just do what I do, his friend assures him. The guy with the Shepherd walks in first and the maitre d’ stops him. “We don’t allow animals in here, sir. Sorry.” This is a seeing-eye dog, the man says. The maitre d’ apologizes and the man with Shepherd sits at the bar. Then the man with Chihuahua comes in.

“We don’t allow pets in here,” says the maitre d’.

“This is a seeing-eye dog,” says the man with the Chihuahua.

“That’s not a seeing-eye dog, that’s a Chihuahua.”

And the man says: “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

 

[whiterabbit9]

^^^ haha very good one

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My turn!!!

Did you guys ever see stevie wonder's house ?

No ?
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He didn't either!!

*drum end*


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you know where stevie wonder met his wife ?

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on a blind date!




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another---------------
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so there's this black man walkin in the desert
suddenly, he finds a magic lamp

so he rubs it, and boom,
a genie appears

the genie tells him " I grant you 3 wishes "

so black man says,

alright, I want to get a lot of ass, I wanna be white
and I want to have water

so BOOM

the genie turns the blackman into a toilet

-------------------------------------------
racism not included
------------------------------------


another ???

k.

So a guy has a cat, and he gets tired of him, so he takes the cat, drives him far off to a field, leaves him there
comes home.....

the cat is there

hmmm, so he takes the cat, drives to the outskirts of town, leaves him there, comes back

the cat is there

so...
he gets mad..

he takes the cat, drives him really really far, not really knowing where he's going himself, takes a left, a right
a left and a right, finally, after a couple of hours, he leaves the cat

so he starts driving home, unfortunetaly, he is lost

so he calls home

his wife answers

he says he losts, and asks is the cat there

she says ya

so he says : " well could you give him the phone, I need some directions home "

 

[Hal]

Excellent WR9! They kept getting better as they went down

Here's another:

A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He says “I’d………like……..a……….beer…………….please”. The bartender says “Why the big pause?”

Ok...another:

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

I hear ya...last one then:

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar. Hey, it could happen.

 

[genkisan]

Guy walk in to a bar with a duck on his head.......


Bartender gives him a weird look and asks: "Kin I help you ?





















And the duck sez:

"Yeah....get this guy off my ass, will ya?"

 

[stinkyattic]

A guy walks into a bar with a shoebox and tells the bartender he'll show him the contents of the box for a free drink. It's a slow night, so the barkeep agrees.
Inside the box is a tiny piano, and a little dude playing it. He's pretty good too, and the barkeep askes the guy where the piano player came from. The guy says, "I asked a genie for a wish, and this is what I got. You wanna make a wish too, that'll cost you free drinks for a year."
The barkeep quickly accepts and the guy hands him a lamp. The barkeep rubs it, and all of a sudden a million ducks come waddling into the bar, quacking and dropping feathers.
The barkeep yells, WHAT THE FUCK! That's not what I asked for!
And the guy shrugs and says, "What, do you think I ASKED for a nine inch pianist?!"
har har har.

 

[Hal]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Nice one indeed!

 

[sativa92]

a guy walks into a bar, stops for a second at a table then proceeds to the bar, he strikes up a conversation with the bartender and bets the bartender $50 that he could sit a shot glass on the end of the bar and he at this end will stand on the bar and piss in the shotglass with out missing a drop! the bar is at least 30 feet long, so the bartender agrees well he stands up there and pisses all over the place ,people at the bar,bartender,bar and the bartender is laughing his ass off because he knows he just made $50. so the bartender asks for his money and the guy walks back to this table then proceeds to the bar with a shit eating grin, the bartender says why you so happy you just lost $50 bucks..

the guy says see that table of college kids over there? well i just bet them $100 each that i would come in here and piss all over the place, all over the people and all over you and not only that you would be happy about it!!!!

 

[sirgrassalot]

A gay midget walks into a bar & starts kissing everyone in the joint.

 

[basidiokarma]

What's the worst part about making love to an 80 year old?



Depends.

 

[basidiokarma]

thats the shortened version of "So i guy walks into a bar and says"

I know we have a theme going, so just pretend thats in there.


Wonderful.

 

[SouthernGuerila]

How do you get four gay guys on one bar stool?

Turn the bar stool upside down.

Yes its cheesy.

The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.


One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

 

[SouthernGuerila]

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

 

[whiterabbit9]

i just smoked some haze

and man some of these jokes were really good!

 

[Hal]

An Englishman, an American and and Irishman are sitting at the bar drinking beer. A fly lands in each of their beers. The Englishman frowns and pushes his beer away. The American shrugs and keeps drinking his beer. The Irishman grabs the fly ouf of his beer and screams “Spit it out you bastard, spit it out!”

 

[hydroclops]

Hahahahaha.


A man walks in to the bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.

And tells the bartender he wants a whisky and one for the road.

 

[stinkyattic]

A guy walks into a bar and notices that above the bar there is a sign that says, 'free drinks for life for whoever can pass The Test!'.
So he asks the barkeep, "What's the test?"
The barkeep tells him:
"The Test has three parts. First, you must drink that whole bottle of habanero-infused tequila. Then, out back, there's an alligator with a sore tooth. He's been making noise and scaring the neighborhood, so you need to pull it out. Last, there's some chick upstairs who claims she's never had an orgasm. I'm sick of hearing about it. Help her out."
The guy is like, "Whoa. Too much, I'm all set thanks."
WEll, a couple Lone Stars later and he's feeling like Superman and yells, "GIMME DAT TEQUILA!!! YEEEEEHA!" and chugs the whole thing.
He goes running out back and this horrible thumping and hollering ensues, noises like no one in the bar has ever heard, and he comes back in 15 minutes later with his shirt all shredded, and yells,
"AAAAWRIGHT! Where's that broad with the sore tooth!?"

 

[cdc]

guy walks into a bar ...says ill have 10 shots of whiskey and 3 beers ...as quick as the bartender could pour them the man drunk them.

the bartender says ..gezz m8 ya drunk them quick ,the man replied you would drink them that fast too if ya only had 50cents.