Stand Up Comedy

[7ate9]

Any stand up comedy fans? I love the old Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, and so many more. I also enjoyed that show last comic standing!

ROFL I was so blazed and I thought of this:

Yo man, I went up to my girl and was like "eh yo, wutcha want for your birthday" she replied "get me some flowers!" I was like " Fo real? So I went back to my place, got some flowers, and a pot to put them in. I ring her door bell and she sees the flowers and her jaw just drops! She screams with excitement, she dials up her bff to tell her how much she loved the flowers! next thing I know the cops pull up and they smash her flowers and put me in the back."

LOL

 

[Endo]

no offense but i dont get it.


Mitch Hedberg is one of my favorite comedians, too bad he died too young. heres some of his stuff.....

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

 

[KharmaGirl]

I think I missed the punchline

 

[m.steelers]

We go to a couple shows a year at the Improv... Last one I saw was Charlie Murphy - dude put on a good show... people were crackin up left and right!

 

[Endo]

a few more...

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
Mitch Hedberg

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

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I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg

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...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg

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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
Mitch Hedberg

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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
Mitch Hedberg

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I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg

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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
Mitch Hedberg

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My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Mitch Hedberg

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On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
Mitch Hedberg

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I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg

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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
Mitch Hedberg

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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

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My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
Mitch Hedberg

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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
Mitch Hedberg

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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
Mitch Hedberg

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I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
Mitch Hedberg

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I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

Mitch Hedberg

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I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
Mitch Hedberg

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I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

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My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
Mitch Hedberg

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I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Mitch Hedberg

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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg

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I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Mitch Hedberg

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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.


Mitch Hedberg

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Why are there no during pictures.
Mitch Hedberg

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Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."


Mitch Hedberg

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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg

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[Guest]

rip richard jennings.... john belushi.... chris farly, so many i ahve missed. gone in a flash... to fast for some... if you ask me....


old eddie murphay is killer . i forget which live show of his it wsa . in the early 90's late 80's he was i the purple leather pants with matching glowes.. ahahahah good shit amn fucking great stand up. dane cook was great until he played himself out. charlie murphay is fucking great.

 

[POP]

Any stand up comedy fans? I love the old Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, and so many more. I also enjoyed that show last comic standing!

ROFL I was so blazed and I thought of this:

Yo man, I went up to my girl and was like "eh yo, wutcha want for your birthday" she replied "get me some flowers!" I was like " Fo real? So I went back to my place, got some flowers, and a pot to put them in. I ring her door bell and she sees the flowers and her jaw just drops! She screams with excitement, she dials up her bff to tell her how much she loved the flowers! next thing I know the cops pull up and they smash her flowers and put me in the back."

LOL

lmao!

a boy walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper "do you sell party balloons?"
the shopkeeper replies "why yes! we have lots of balloons for sale. which colors would you like?"
the boy replies "its ok, ive got my bike outside"

 

[Endo]

you lost me pops.

 

[hunt4genetics]

I love
old school Eddie Murphy
before he got caught with that tranny
and had to start doing "family friendly" movies.




peace