Six Reasons To Think Before You Speak

[genkisan]

This is some funny shit......

Six Reasons To Think Before You Speak
FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard, when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three- year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter. She was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any of his clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

 

[green_grow]

ive seen this one before but it was well worth the re-read ...good stuff !

 

[TrichomusCaesar]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

"If you don't let go right now I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's pee pee last night"........situation neutralized

hahahahaha

hahaha

..ha.......ohhhh sweet jesus that made me laugh.

Genky, you've brought a fantastic ending to my shitty shitty day....thanks man, that was great.

 

[pico]

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

That killed me.

 

[Nikijad4210]

We had a weather guy down here in FL give up on the forecast once years ago.
To the best my memory allows:


It had been a really, really lousy week and a half, way back when we had damn near 2 solid weeks of rain day after day after day. The forecast was the same every day---more rain, flooding problems, etc.

While pointing around the weather screen, the weather guy's shoulders drop suddenly, and he sighs loudly, shakes his head, throws his hands in the air, and says,
"It's going to be another shitty day, folks."
And he walks off-camera.

The feed goes back to the anchors, and they're looking at eachother, trying not to laugh, like they're thinking, "He didn't just say that, did he?"


I laughed my ass off, ya gotta love the pros






I'm trying to remember some stupid/embarassing things my mom & Wolf have said. If I manage to remember anything, I'll post them.

 

[Guest]

Funny

Should apply to some posters here, too.

Think before ya spew - the internet has a long memory too

Great post - thanks

ws

 

[Guest]

OMFG... those were funny as hell... thanks for sharing that genkisan!

 

[DimeBag65]

haha thats great. thanks for the laugh

 

[Cibin]

well, it is not so ultra-funny if you have to check every other word in english-czech dictionary to understand it, but still it amused me )
Thanks!