Im at a real crossroad in life at the moment and I have to admit, its a lot to carry and lately I feel I am breaking more than carrying the load.
Ive found myself in a couple deep depressions in my 35 years. Once at 14 when my family was uprooted and moved to the other side of the country. Thats a tough age to go through something like that. You are just starting to forge real relationships and then having to completely start over. I didnt leave my room for much for about 6 months. On the upside, I got pretty decent at playing guitar.
As I started meeting new people at school etc, it started to pass and I definitely look at moving as a great thing now.
After a couple dead end jobs, I found myself back in school. Wasnt really sure what to take but everyone was saying that IT was where it was at so I took an IT course for 14 months. Right out of school, I landed a pretty great first job as a field tech. Problem was, it meant moving again, to a different province.
All was good and fine for a couple years, was great making more money than I ever had at that point. It wasn't huge money by any means ( about 50-60K) but it was more than I ever made and I enjoyed what I did for the most part so it was a win win. Being on the road, dealing with and helping people. Same job but a little different every day. I always said that I never wanted to be chained to a desk.
It was so good that I thought I could do it forever. Keep in mind that it was specific work I did, for one type of company. For whatever reason, at the age of 35, I thought I could see myself retiring here. Then after a few years away, friendships and family seeming to drift further apart each day. Measly 1-2% raises once a year and all of a sudden, there was trouble in paradise. The depression was coming back.
It was causing issues at home with the girlfriend too who is a great girl, quit her job and moved to be with me and would have my back no matter what. Pretty soon, all I could think about was getting us back home.
At this point it was all I could do to keep up appearances and keep my job but this is where I should have started being more pro active with making myself more valuable to future employers.
I was "IT" but for propitiatory software on basic Windows boxes. So I learned a lot about my job but didnt pursue certifications, courses, further education etc.
After 6 years away for the job, my division was sold to a big corp with a bad rep. I Was blinded by this further as when the transaction went through, it created an opening back home for my position. I started barking up the tree hard and I ended up getting transferred back home. Boom! So glad to be home the depression has cleared again and things are looking up.
I knew still that my future wasnt with the company and I should be looking. Problem is that they pay me more than anything else I see is offering to someone without certs. Sure I have a fair bit of experience its tough to make that first good impression when the resume is void of these things.
Then is when shit really started to hit the fan. I was slowly being demoted back to strictly helpdesk duties, chained to the desk and then got hit with a 10% pay cut. All the while, everything I liked about my job was slowly being stripped away.
Then my long time girlfriend gets diagnosed with cervical cancer. Fucking devastated! She will be ok but at the cost of a hysterectomy. We dont have kids. Just never felt the timing was right but we always wanted them together. That all becomes second fiddle to her health but a huge blow nonetheless.
Three weeks later my mother gets diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer that had already spread to the liver and bones. They say that without chemo and radiation she will be dead in 3-5 months or 1 year or so with treatment. She took the treatment and was gone in 6 months. I Think the chemo did more damage than the cancer ever did.
During this whole time, I am having a very hard time holding it together. The two most important women in my life diagnosed with cancer in the same month. I missed a lot of work but had a very understanding boss at the time who knew what I was going through.
Over the course of this, I also have lost my best friend and brother to a bunch of skids and a pile of nose candy and that whole life style. This has been a hard blow to take as well because we were so fucking close.
I ended up taking the summer off on stress leave, did some counseling and have been taking good care of myself as far as exercising and eating good to try and manage stress levels. Under the advice of the counselor, trying to rebuild my reward system and making sure I am recharging my batteries to better deal with lifes stresses.
I had also been actively looking for new work over the summer but to no avail as of yet. Now I am back to work and if the stress dial was on 11 when I went on stress leave, it got down to 4 while off but is now back at 9-10 already. I am being snappy and angry and feeling down and depressed. Its causing issues with the girlfriend again and she is also dealing with all this as well as being the one who actually had cancer.
I feel fucking horrible and things need to change. I need to get out of this job but I took a step back and realized that I am just chasing a paycheck. I dont think any number will make me happy if I dont love the job.
They say that if you can find a way to get paid to do what you are passionate about, you will never "work" a day in your life. I am passionate about growing weed, helping people and fishing. Just the thought of maybe making a living growing, and maybe being a fishing guide on the weekends, puts a huge smile on my face. Talk about the gravy train. Its just the whole Law thing that is a big hurdle.
I would love to make a living with a licensed producer. trouble is that I have never traveled in those "circles" and dont have large scale experience or any formal training in horticulture etc.
I am torn between looking for another job just to get out from under the current one but I cant help but think I will just find myself in the same boat in a couple years, hating what I am doing. Or going back to school to literally take a shot at making a dream come true. I am looking at a Bachelor of Science degree program in Horticulture with a focus on production. Hopefully that would be a good step toward becoming a head grower and make a good living.
Of course theres always the fuck the law option but to each their own.
I just wish that sometimes the path was a bit clearer.
Im sorry for the long read but the rant is kind of therapy in itself I guess.
Cheers!
Ive found myself in a couple deep depressions in my 35 years. Once at 14 when my family was uprooted and moved to the other side of the country. Thats a tough age to go through something like that. You are just starting to forge real relationships and then having to completely start over. I didnt leave my room for much for about 6 months. On the upside, I got pretty decent at playing guitar.
As I started meeting new people at school etc, it started to pass and I definitely look at moving as a great thing now.
After a couple dead end jobs, I found myself back in school. Wasnt really sure what to take but everyone was saying that IT was where it was at so I took an IT course for 14 months. Right out of school, I landed a pretty great first job as a field tech. Problem was, it meant moving again, to a different province.
All was good and fine for a couple years, was great making more money than I ever had at that point. It wasn't huge money by any means ( about 50-60K) but it was more than I ever made and I enjoyed what I did for the most part so it was a win win. Being on the road, dealing with and helping people. Same job but a little different every day. I always said that I never wanted to be chained to a desk.
It was so good that I thought I could do it forever. Keep in mind that it was specific work I did, for one type of company. For whatever reason, at the age of 35, I thought I could see myself retiring here. Then after a few years away, friendships and family seeming to drift further apart each day. Measly 1-2% raises once a year and all of a sudden, there was trouble in paradise. The depression was coming back.
It was causing issues at home with the girlfriend too who is a great girl, quit her job and moved to be with me and would have my back no matter what. Pretty soon, all I could think about was getting us back home.
At this point it was all I could do to keep up appearances and keep my job but this is where I should have started being more pro active with making myself more valuable to future employers.
I was "IT" but for propitiatory software on basic Windows boxes. So I learned a lot about my job but didnt pursue certifications, courses, further education etc.
After 6 years away for the job, my division was sold to a big corp with a bad rep. I Was blinded by this further as when the transaction went through, it created an opening back home for my position. I started barking up the tree hard and I ended up getting transferred back home. Boom! So glad to be home the depression has cleared again and things are looking up.
I knew still that my future wasnt with the company and I should be looking. Problem is that they pay me more than anything else I see is offering to someone without certs. Sure I have a fair bit of experience its tough to make that first good impression when the resume is void of these things.
Then is when shit really started to hit the fan. I was slowly being demoted back to strictly helpdesk duties, chained to the desk and then got hit with a 10% pay cut. All the while, everything I liked about my job was slowly being stripped away.
Then my long time girlfriend gets diagnosed with cervical cancer. Fucking devastated! She will be ok but at the cost of a hysterectomy. We dont have kids. Just never felt the timing was right but we always wanted them together. That all becomes second fiddle to her health but a huge blow nonetheless.
Three weeks later my mother gets diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer that had already spread to the liver and bones. They say that without chemo and radiation she will be dead in 3-5 months or 1 year or so with treatment. She took the treatment and was gone in 6 months. I Think the chemo did more damage than the cancer ever did.
During this whole time, I am having a very hard time holding it together. The two most important women in my life diagnosed with cancer in the same month. I missed a lot of work but had a very understanding boss at the time who knew what I was going through.
Over the course of this, I also have lost my best friend and brother to a bunch of skids and a pile of nose candy and that whole life style. This has been a hard blow to take as well because we were so fucking close.
I ended up taking the summer off on stress leave, did some counseling and have been taking good care of myself as far as exercising and eating good to try and manage stress levels. Under the advice of the counselor, trying to rebuild my reward system and making sure I am recharging my batteries to better deal with lifes stresses.
I had also been actively looking for new work over the summer but to no avail as of yet. Now I am back to work and if the stress dial was on 11 when I went on stress leave, it got down to 4 while off but is now back at 9-10 already. I am being snappy and angry and feeling down and depressed. Its causing issues with the girlfriend again and she is also dealing with all this as well as being the one who actually had cancer.
I feel fucking horrible and things need to change. I need to get out of this job but I took a step back and realized that I am just chasing a paycheck. I dont think any number will make me happy if I dont love the job.
They say that if you can find a way to get paid to do what you are passionate about, you will never "work" a day in your life. I am passionate about growing weed, helping people and fishing. Just the thought of maybe making a living growing, and maybe being a fishing guide on the weekends, puts a huge smile on my face. Talk about the gravy train. Its just the whole Law thing that is a big hurdle.
I would love to make a living with a licensed producer. trouble is that I have never traveled in those "circles" and dont have large scale experience or any formal training in horticulture etc.
I am torn between looking for another job just to get out from under the current one but I cant help but think I will just find myself in the same boat in a couple years, hating what I am doing. Or going back to school to literally take a shot at making a dream come true. I am looking at a Bachelor of Science degree program in Horticulture with a focus on production. Hopefully that would be a good step toward becoming a head grower and make a good living.
Of course theres always the fuck the law option but to each their own.
I just wish that sometimes the path was a bit clearer.
Im sorry for the long read but the rant is kind of therapy in itself I guess.
Cheers!
