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Monty Python - Scripts - Vids and LAUGHS!

Gypsy Nirvana

Recalcitrant Reprobate -
Administrator
Veteran
Ever since I was a nipper this comedy show has had me in raptures of pure unadulterated laughter. Back around 1970 I'd sneak downstairs with my older brother after Mum had gone to bed and tune into BBC2 for 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' episodes that were on late at night so most kids didn't get to see them since they were so outrageous then, and still are today..

Python has influenced comedy over the past 50 years or so as much as Bowie influenced music, so I thought that I'd make a thread about that silly Python bunch and see if there were any other fans out there on the site to share a laugh with.

I will start off with my favorite sketch from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'....so here's the script, do read the words and savor them before you hit the link to the sketch...

Monty Python - Constitutional Peasants Scene

ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take
it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
[angels sing]
her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
you saw it didn't you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2c-X8HiBng

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nksv

Member
I pissed myself right away at:

ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!

There's so many MP synapses built into my being.

Ripping Yarns! Good call dude. That's one of my all time favs. About to indoctrinate my kid with my epic VHS collection. Netflix just added a ton of Monty Python which I was pretty surprised by. I find streaming services to be so depressing, barely any good Brit comedy. But there's the holy people on earth uploading them onto youtube.

I still use that line: HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! to this day.
 

Gypsy Nirvana

Recalcitrant Reprobate -
Administrator
Veteran
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Yeah brilliant 'I can see the violence inherent in the system!'......LMFAO!

Link to 'Holy Grail' Script site :https://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/mphg/mphg.htm

Here is a good one: 'Hitler in Minehead' from one of the earlier TV shows.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tkZ0u6Q-QM


I pissed myself right away at:

ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!

There's so many MP synapses built into my being.

Ripping Yarns! Good call dude. That's one of my all time favs. About to indoctrinate my kid with my epic VHS collection. Netflix just added a ton of Monty Python which I was pretty surprised by. I find streaming services to be so depressing, barely any good Brit comedy. But there's the holy people on earth uploading them onto youtube.

I still use that line: HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! to this day.

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Rocky Mtn Squid

EL CID SQUID
Veteran
Self-Defense Against Fruit, Flesh Wound, Killer Rabbit

Self-Defense Against Fruit, Flesh Wound, Killer Rabbit

[YOUTUBEIF]piWCBOsJr-w?ecver=2"[/YOUTUBEIF]


[YOUTUBEIF]AAW6D21ICdg?ecver=2[/YOUTUBEIF]

[YOUTUBEIF]pmu5sRIizdw?ecver=2[/YOUTUBEIF]


RMS

:smoweed:
 

Bobby Boucher

Active member
2f6ekx.jpg


"Don't you oppress me!"

Eric Idle is just so freaking brilliant..

Art and perfection are absolutely contradictory, unless that art is created by John Cleese's posse.

Lrkb.gif
 

mean mr.mustard

I Pass Satellites
Veteran
I love the bit of Flying Circus with Palin and Cleese wearing berets faking French describing the sheep on the poster...

Complete with Gilliam's illustration on fold out panels.

Those guys had talent and guts. They turned their backs on prestigious degrees to bet on themselves... and entertain countless people of multiple generations.

Thankfully.
 

igrowone

Well-known member
Veteran
anyone recall the albums? you know those discs pressed on vinyl
there was this 3 sided album, very much a monty python technology
'matching tie and handkerchief', some nice art work there
 

Gypsy Nirvana

Recalcitrant Reprobate -
Administrator
Veteran
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Mustn't forget the CLASSIC STONING SCENE! from 'Life of Brian' - 'JEHOVAH!'......there I said it!....ahhh ha-ha-ha-ha!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDe9msExUK8



MANDY: Ohh, I hate wearing these beards.

BRIAN: Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum?

MANDY: It's written. That's why.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Pssst! Beard, madam?

DONKEY OWNER: Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no stonings. He's not well again.
[hee-haw hee-haw]

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Stones, sir?

MANDY: Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.

MANDY: Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and... a big flat one.

BRIAN: Could I have a flat one, Mum?

MANDY: Shh!

BRIAN: Sorry. Dad.

MANDY: Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.

MANDY: Hehh?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Local boy.

MANDY: Oh, good.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Enjoy yourselves.

Scene 4

CROWD OF WOMEN: [yelling]

JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.

MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'?

STONE HELPER #1: Yes.

MATTHIAS: Yes.

OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer...

CROWD: Ooooh!

OFFICIAL: ...you are to be stoned to death.

CROWD: Ahh!

MATTHIAS: Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!

OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!

WOMAN #1: Really!

[silence]

OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today?

CROWD: No. No. No. No...

OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--

[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]

MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we'd started.

OFFICIAL: Go to the back.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear.

OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!

OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself!

MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more... [MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]

Right. Who threw that?

MATTHIAS: [laughing]

[silence]

OFFICIAL: Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

OFFICIAL: Was it you?

MRS. A.: Yes.

OFFICIAL: Right!

MRS. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!

[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.

CROWD: Ooooooh!...

[CROWD stones OFFICIAL]

WOMAN #1: Good shot!

[clap clap clap]

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