Hysteria in English Class

[genkisan]

I love this!!

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E-Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

[Guest]

hilarious.

i think 1 was my favorite
though 8 is good too
and 5 is good too
and 10 is good too..

 

[treble]

hefty bag full o soup for my money, the lame duck was good. and the chick laughing like a barfing dog..... Ha!

seems products permeate everything huh.... whatever

peace
treb

 

[robobond]

I like 18. All classics though. I will have to use one in the next smoke session.

 

[glock23]

haha that was great!

 

[Smurf]

lol, genkisan, wtf... that was too good, I was trying to pick a favourite, but ?

the garbage truck,... the sound of the dog,...and then the ballerina!

 

[sow the seeds]

Hahahaha. I really liked the hummingbird one.

 

[Guest]

14 was pretty solid, too.

 

[Gantz]

i loved the 5th one and the last three.

 

[havalota]

Oh man, those were awsome. LOL. These kids now-a-days. Must admit some of them were very creative and discriptive. I wonder if that is were these came from, a corse in discriptive writing?

 

[Nikijad4210]

*Sighs*
A couple of good examples of why our school system just isn't working on a grand scale......

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

^^In all honesty, I find #23 to be hilarious


Actually, these 2 are kind of poetic when you think about it....

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Is it just me, or is this one a cleverly disguised sarcastic insult?

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

[Gantz]

Is it just me, or is this one a cleverly disguised sarcastic insult?

well...didn't you know that love stinks ???

 

[NiteTiger]

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

I'm using this one on my wife's Valentines Day flowers.

 

[Tarkus]

Hahahahaha!!! Number three made my day. Damn funny.

 

[Gangabiss]

3 is hilarious!

 

[killa-bud]

lol,where the hell do you find these things? do you just search the web for random stuff,haha funny shit tho

 

[Ganico]

3,7,14 are my favorites

 

[Farmer John]

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."
ROFLMAO! All are great!!!!

 

[GOT_BUD?]

All of them are too funny.