Had to say this .......

[Stoner4Life]

I really need/want to thank so many of you for making me feel welcome here. I'm going through the toughest time in my life right now and sometimes it shows in my posts in a not so 'kind' way I've responded to some of you here. My pain and anxieties have taken their toll, and although I would never hurt myself there are too many nights I go to sleep hoping not to wake in the morning. I deal with those feelings too often. I've made several mistakes here (deleted by mods) and feel lucky to still be around as I've treated some members here scornfully, I'm sorry for being such a jerk to any of you who've been slighted by me w/o being so deserving. If you knew me you'd understand that I'm a very caring and giving person, lately my needs have by far exceeded my resources and I'm not only suffering during my waking hours but now in my sleep as well.

Last night I thought I was just having nightmares until I woke up this morning with a crow bar & my lg. framing hammer in bed with me, I was sleep walking for the first time in my life that I'm aware of. It was horrible, it left my crib in shambles as I knocked a lot of shyt off shelves looking for my revolver (given to a friend for safe keepings recently) and is why I instead chose some hand tools. Last nights dream sequences were awful, it was my beloved sister & a friend of mine Dan (always a smile & wouldn't hurt a fly kind of guy) who were trying to kill me. I was in a dark room in a home I didn't recognize and couldn't keep the door closed in trying to stop them from entering, it was ALL TOO REAL to me as it was really very different than a dream while in that sleep walking state of consciousness.

I think I've revealed more here today than I'd intended to when I started this thread, it leaves me with a feeling of being a bit defective. I probably should open up to local friends and family (family is 1500-2000 miles away) but I thank you for being here and having a read through this thread. I'm already feeling some of the relief I need just by putting this into words. Whether or not you believe in Him/Her God bless you all.

Thnx for having a look here and I'm really hoping you all find the comfort you need in your lives during the holiday season and far beyond.......

 

[FarmerJoe]

I feel for you S4L, we all go through hard times, and its important to have other people there for us.

I hope you're doing well this day, and may you take on the next with infinite resolve and strength, and a few moments of peace we all wish for =]

-FJ

 

[Siddartha]

Damn, all I can do is leave you with a quote that always gave me strength.


***If you are offended by religious content, this MAY (probably not) offend you***

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

When I'm hurting, the thought that I'll be stronger and understand life a little more when the hurts stop hurting so much helps get me through it all. I hope this helps a little, know that we got yer back!

 

[TwoOhSix!]

Sorry to hear about the rough times you're experiencing, I know how hopeless things can sometimes seem. I hope talking about it here helps you some, I know I'd rather talk to some ICMaggers than a random lady on a suicide hotline or somethin. We're here for ya.

 

[Stoner4Life]

Your replies are very welcomed...

Your replies are very welcomed...

Sorry to hear about the rough times you're experiencing, I know how hopeless things can sometimes seem. I hope talking about it here helps you some, I know I'd rather talk to some ICMaggers than a random lady on a suicide hotline or somethin. We're here for ya.

Thnx for EVERYONES kind words and thoughts.

I sure didn't mean this to sound 'desparate' in any way, I'm just a bit more down and out than I've ever been and it's been three long years into my injury that is to blame for most of todays issues. As I'd stated in the first paragraph, "I would never hurt myself" there's always tomorrow, suicide is NOT the way I'll go, I'm just hoping lately that the amount of worry on my mind is not taking its toll on my heart, but enough of the down side of life talk for me. Oh, and I hope you all know that the reference to looking for my gun was strictly as a defensive measure against the ALL TOO REAL assault by loved ones in the sleep walking experience.

In times of need I'm often reminded of this saying, "The thinnest thread of hope can carry you across the deepest of chasms if you don't let go."


And I really do mean what I started off saying here, I apologize for insulting or hurting anyones feelings here. I also have a very wicked, dry, cutting sense of humor....... a bunch of my posts are meant that way but I word them to be more wisecracking on my target than general humor, like I'm laughing at you not with you. Me bad, and I often let others that appreciate a bitter sense of humor to encourage me or egg me on, that's MY fault not theirs of course.......

Again, thanks for the positive vibes and good advice.

Peace....... S4L

 

[TheGoodStuff]

Hey man

I've only been here a little while, so I don't really know you, but I feel for you.
I've had some tough times in my life, and the best advise I can give you is to talk to someone.
It doesn't even have to be someone you know.

Good luck.

 

[HuffAndPuff]

S4L,
Self-defense mechanisms are a wonderful thing, huh? Couple that with some depression, maybe a dash of self-loathing and a sprinkle of self-pity and you wind up with quite the cocktail. How old are you? Early 20s? Regardless, don't think that having these thoughts makes you a defective- or that it will always be like this. If you have the means, I highly suggest seeing shrink.

If you find a good one that you can talk to, it can make a world of difference. I never thought so, thought it was a bunch of hooey. But lo-and-behold, after seeing a shrink I like for a while, I no longer go to bed praying I wont wake up. Or do dumb shit like blow an 8ball in a half hour, to see if I maybe couldn't help the process along. Whatever works, ya know?

I hope things start looking up for you, man. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya...

HuffAndPuff

 

[Stoner4Life]

S4L,
Early 20s? Regardless, don't think that having these thoughts makes you a defective- or that it will always be like this. If you have the means, I highly suggest seeing shrink.

If you find a good one that you can talk to, it can make a world of difference. I never thought so, thought it was a bunch of hooey. But lo-and-behold, after seeing a shrink I like for a while, I no longer go to bed praying I wont wake up. along.

I hope things start looking up for you, man. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya...

HuffAndPuff

51 yrs old bro, and in the past whether by my $$$ or through other means I've had a counselor, 5 actually. It got to where I'd felt let down as they moved on to other jobs or locations telling me the incoming shrink is familiar with my case etc....... the last one became a good friend as well & even though he quit his job he lived near enough to me & we'd meet for lunch weekly and chat up just fine. Richard was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer & passed rather quickly. I didn't feel let down as my sorrow for his situation was what I felt, I did however begin to assume that God has meant for me to tackle these issues on my own. I chatted with a friends wife for awhile tonight & just like I said above it just felt good to say how I've been feeling lately.

 

[HuffAndPuff]

Well hey man, as long as your feeling better!

God has meant for me to tackle these issues on my own.
it just felt good to say how I've been feeling lately

IME, my shrink has helped me get the tools I need so I can tackle my issues for myself, and a huge chunk of it is just venting. But I totally hear ya. I been with the same doc for a minute now, and if he peaced out, I'd just consider myself done with the head-shrinking.

Bottom line? I'm glad you've found something that helps. You know where to find us!