Fear & Loathing In Havana

[REZDOG]

"People on Drugs should Not drive."

=Chapter One=
(In which Darius gets his oats)



Well,
Why Havana?
Why Now?
There was No Deadline.
I'm not pressed for El Cubanos,there are plenty where I reside.
I met The Girl,so this wasn't one of those little sand n' f*ck in the sun forays.
Why is my attorney with me?
If Lenny Bruce ever saw the steaming,golden sun and blue waters of Havana,he never would have died in a New York hotel room.


We flew in on Air Clusterf*ck,I think,a day or so ago....It's hazy,the Quaalude's we found in the pilot's possession were quickly dispatched,with too much rum,to quell The Fear.
The flight passed,and we arrived,stumbliong,in God's Own Paradise,Havana,Cuba.

...My attorney & myself,here,hypothetically,on business, rented this old-school,huge-ass,'71 red cadillac convertible about an hour ago,on the outskirts of Havana,and I'm going to get out of this f*cking chrome-and-steel commie room,ingest some mushrooms and see the island,sideways.




....

 

[REZDOG]

"Everybody must get stoned."
-Bob Dylan

ii.

The mushrooms,which had stored well in my carry-on bag,cleverly labelled 'shitake powder,holistic stress relief."
Indeed.
Then,of course,there was the matter of bubbleHash and the fine marijuana.
Inside my Coach flight case,there's a clever hidden compartment,sheathed in a thin layer of lead sheeting,and hermetically sealed,for freshness.
(Ya' gotta' have The Right Dope anywhere in The World,except Singapore.)
So,out comes the Sour Diesel,the bubble,some C99,a bit of Killer Queen,and a beeg sack of Chemdog D. This is picked at,and thrown into assorted film cans,for island-travel purposes.
Having the provisions sorted,and three bottles of Fiji water,my attorney and I set out to find The Real Cuba,on Our Own Terms.


Selah.

 

[REZDOG]

"This is Bat Country."
-HST

iii.

Mushrooms ingested,and in the Shark,it was time to find The Dream.
I figured we'd drive until we heard the Right Music,and judge the mojitos for ourselves.
As the convertible screamed along Republic De' Cuba Avenue,or somesuch,I decided that the proper way to get the Real Feel for this fine country would eb to go outside Havana,pick a town,and see where mojitos and psilocybin would lead us. My attorney,now feeling the effects of the mushrooms,was babbling hysterically in Spanglish at two younger girls,maybe in their early 20s,at a corner bar near an intersection we'd stopped at.
He wanted to pull over,but there was No Music,and that's unacceptable.
Onward,headlights off,full steam ahead into the night,everything's starting to feel otherworldly,and my God,here come The Bats....



.

 

[Guest]

Brave Man

 

[REZDOG]

Brave? My good man,you have No Idea.
Those Cuban girls,well,you don't have to be brave,just think Halle Berre's smokin' hot & these Cuban girls make her look like a mutt.

Now,where was I?
Oh yes,What Happened Next...


iv.

After driving for about twenty kilometers,we entered a nameless,faceless village,full of ramshackle buildings and people in colorful native garb....The I heard The Music,and it was On....


This Bar,La' Flamenco Somesuch,had this passionate,lusty,salsa blaring from its' front doors.
I grabbed my attorney,who had a mason jar of ether stuck in his face,and screamed 'fire in the theater,you sick f*ck! Women and children are burning,burning!"
"Come on,pigf*cker,let's have those mojitos,and put that f*cking ether up,we may need it for fuel on the way back."
....Oddly,he complied meekly,a man in the depths of an ether binge is an unholy abomination,one of Hell's Own Slobbering Children.
After assuring him that a few (dozen,and some lithium-infused) mojitos and some bar-bought narcotics would be the order of the night,he stumbled onto the bar behind me,and I started looking for good seats.


Selah.
.

 

[diggity]

Interesting.. werd up REZ

 

[Guest]

im lovin the play by play over here rez

glad you're enjoyin yourself

 

[TheGoodStuff]

That sounds awesome!

 

[varriform]

heh , cool
Theres no place like cuba , no place

 

[dfa]

i love cuban food

 

[nycdfan042]

werd...ropa vieja....medianoche....pappa rellena...que vola? conjooooo!!!
miami is like northern cuba..lotsa good food there! wuzzzup...shutup!!!!
la carretta...versaille landmarks.if the waiter gets to close make sure to bite into the bread and softly spatter bread in his eyes...they usually back up after a few crumbs

 

[REZDOG]

"Jesus Wept."

vi.

As we entered the bar,I took a minute to think back a bit about Cuba. Maybe it was the mushrooms,maybe not...

The Nacional Hotel,where we we're lodged,is,way back when,the place where Meyer Lansky was supposed to have said,"We're bigger than U.S. Steel."
There's a lot of history here,in this shiny,happy place that's still mostly impoverished,and now I'm sure I need a pitcher of mojitos and perhaps some more of that psilocybe powder,just to put things into perspective. I went out to the parking lot,grabbed another mouthful from the satchel in the trunk of The Shark,and got slowly,ever so slowly,back out of the car to go inside.....



..

 

[REZDOG]

"It's better to burn out,than fade away.
My,my hey,hey."

vii.

Sometimes I have all the Fun....


So,we sit at the bar of this shithole ratfuck bar,somewhere outside of Havana,and it's,well,local.
Warm beers and cold prostitutes,my dream-fucking-bar....but where's the,um,er,cocaine I promised my attorney?
No time for these silly questions...fuck it,in the corner of my eye,I see The Bats,and those cocksuckers are the precursor to The Fear,and God knows,with only mushrooms and cheap Cuban rum,we need not see The Fear,at least,not fucking now.
Just what I wanted,The Death of the American Dream,played by fucking Cubans.
This,no,no,this would not....do.

At all.

 

[Homegrown101]

Good shit Rez..Im reading this in between bong rips its highly entertaining...btw did you get to try any of the Cubano Mota?

 

[Guest]

marketing 101?

marketing 101?

 

[Guest]

VII

As we approched a small,run down gas station, the sweet smell of cigars filled the air.the attendant rushed up. "hola. gas or diesel". "

rez then argued with the man for hours, telling him that only rez has the REAL diesel.






keep the story coming

 

[REZDOG]

Sitting down again,at the bar,I noticed my attorney was slumped on his stool.
"Jesus,man,what's with your Cuban phobia?
For Christ's sake,man,get a Grip,there's more to life than suduko and your (hairy) palm pilot.
Understand,my good man,to drink,well....to drink...like Dylan Thomas,toppling dead off of his stool...a romantic End,you bloodsucker,but an inept one,at Best,you fool."
You can do better,let's find you a girl.
Addendum: If it's worth doing,it's worth doing RIGHT-and nowhere is this better illustrated than in one's choice of Personal Libations.
Quality over quantity,is the Rule Of Law. Never forget that,it carries over into many facets of Life.
As to your 'vomiting,drunken tranny prostitute' parable,I think High Times would LOVE that one-of course,as an op-ed piece...
"As to the 'primaries',we're missing,well,they are a blood-splattered remnant,a lowly landmark,these days,to the death of the American Dream.
Empty,shallow dead-headed bullshit polls from a bunch of fucking retarded senior citizens with 401K's and HMOs. Cazart! Where's that Special Kool-Aid when you need it,most?"
Why are we talking politics over fine salsa? As your Client,I suggest you drag your ass to the bathroom,ingest more psilocybe powder,and let's get the fuck out of this pus-ridden flea-bag of a watering hole.
It's time to go to the Beach.
I feel a heat wave coming on....

 

[Berry_Coughin']

uhm.... deja vu??? swear I just read that in another thread...

 

[karma-shmarma]

lol is lol spelled backwards

 

[Rosy Cheeks]

If Lenny Bruce ever saw the steaming,golden sun and blue waters of Havana, he never would have died in a New York hotel room.

Didn't Lenny morph himself to death in a bathtub at Hollywood Boulevard?