Adoption Thread

[Jack Crevalle]

We adopted my baby sibling when she was a newborn. Her mother was a girl who got pregnant out of wedlock and was going to have an abortion at any cost. She had gone as far as taking illegal meds to kill the baby in her womb, but it apparently had not worked. We convinced her to adopt her baby out to us, no matter how deformed of problematic that baby may be. The day after she was born, she was at our house, healthy and strong. She was perfectly healthy and happy.
She is today a wise, self sufficient, happy person. We always told her she was adopted, but a part of the family just the same. We are her family, she wants nothing to do with the biological mother, unlike other adopted people. She loves life, and is very kind. She reminds me every day that God has a plan for each of us, and that even if meeting her was the sole reason of being on this earth. She is a reminder to me that we are here for some reason other than plain coincidence....that adoption is a good option.

Anyone else have any cool adoption stories? Anyone here adopted and what are your thoughts on discussing adoption with someone. I really never discuss this with her strangely enough, I feel really uncomfortable because I don't know how she'd react. Has anyone had this discussion with a relative who does try to find their biological family? Why would they do that if the persons abandoned them?

 

[KharmaGirl]

I'm a proud adoptee. My story is very similar to your daughters. I love my family like nothing else and have neer had a desire to find my "real" parents. My parents are the ones who raised me, loved me, fed me, taught me right from wrong and gave me my morals and values. I can't imagine having grown up in any other environment. My l'il sis, who is adopted as well, is the oposite. her whole life she has wanted to find her real parents. My parents have always been open about our adoptions and support both of us. They feel no threat about my sister possibly finding her birth parents. That's my l'il story..... for now.

 

[Germanator]

My best childhood friend was adopted. I was under the assumption that his mother was a crack addict, and was a family friend. My buddie's (adopted) parents got her in a clinic and adopted the baby (friend). Great guy and until a year or so ago had never come in contact with his birth mother. I talked with him about it shortly after and aside from what i had assumed about his birth mother being confirmed, he was a changed man. Not that he was a horrible person to begin with, but I see a new found sense of responsibility in him now....I think it helped him out in a number of ways, most of which I doubt I could understand.

My hat is tipped to those who adopt.

Germ

 

[sip]

My hat is tipped to those who adopt.

Germ

I whole heartedly agree.

 

[Storm Crow]

The other side of the fence....

The other side of the fence....

My beautiful, crazy mother had a child out of wedlock by my father's cousin (Dad was out at sea in the navy when the conception happened, so it for sure wasn't his!). The child was put up for adoption. My brother and I were told she died at birth. About a month later, the paperwork for her adoption came in the mail. I was the one to get the mail that day. Did you know that letters can be read through the envelope if you hold it up next to a light bulb?

I confronted my Mom when we were alone in the car. She explained it was a financial decision- we couldn't afford another child. It was true, we lost the house shortly after, but the scandal was a bigger part of it. Mom made me promise that I wouldn't look for her until she was 21.

It took me over 20 years to find her. Mom had suicided about 10 years earlier. I first contacted my sister's (also adopted) brother by email and asked him to break it to her that I would like contact. She and I exchanged emails, but she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with our family.

Although I would have enjoyed a relationship with her, I don't want to force one on her! I send her brief birthday emails- nothing more. She is quite happy with an upper-class lifestyle- something she never would have gotten as my sister. I know she's happy, healthy (I did tell her family medical history) and is well off. I still miss her in a way, but she has her life. It's been 5 years now.- Granny

 

[Jack Crevalle]

Wow, guys awesome stories! It really goes to show how important a little sacrifice and extra love can go a long way and change lives.

Karma - Hey there, so cool you posted first in my thread, and such an awesome story yours is. You are on of my favorite ICers! I think I already told you I'm secretly admiring you...LOL seriously, I'm very happy you shared such an awesome story.

So your sister is also adopted huh? Were you both adopted really young, or was she older? Is that why she wants to find her parents? or does she just have so little info that she is really curious to find out more and why?

It was actually my sister we adopted, but one day I do have plans to adopt a baby myself, as soon as I am more established and can guarantee a good future for someone. Do you plan on adopting one day?


German- Thanks for sharing man, many many people read these threads, not just us ICers, and the more testimony, the better, maybe we can convince more people to tread these uncertain but infinitely rewarding waters. Best of luck to your friend.


Storm Crow- Yet another common, yet bitter/sweet story. My sister is the same way your biological sister is! She wants nothing to do with her Bio mom, nor her bio sisters...I think that it stems from the fact that she was newborn when we adopted her, maybe the lack of memories/reasons why she was adopted...I could be wrong tho, maybe it's more of a clear understanding that a mother or family is the one that truly loves and raises you, not a sperm or ovule donor....

Thank you for such awesome stories, any other things anyone has to share on adoption?

I have another cool one, we knew a couple who had tried for years to have kids. They never got pregnant and were frustrated about it. They finally decided to adopt a wonderfull little boy who desperately needed a home (everyone does) and a month later she got pregnant (after 3 years trying). Now they have 2 blessings and are fine. Just goes to show how things work in misterious ways, and how it can be done..Adopt people..

 

[KharmaGirl]

Heya Both my sis and I were adopted right after birth. I tihnk for her, she is more interested cause she's the most different in our family. My mom and I even look alike and no one has ever believed I'm adopted we are so much alike. I thnk, just speculating, but I think in her mind, she wants to find em cause she thinks they'd be more "like her". She has battled with my parents her whole life and I think she has that fairy tale that if she found her birth parents, everything would be perfect and all her problems would be solved. Could happen, I suppose. But, there is no magic cure for anything, only a ban aid. Neither of us have any info and I'm sure curiousity is alarge factor too. As for me, I have a good life, had a great childhood and can't ask for much more. I gotta go to work soon, but I'll answer any more questions later

 

[Jack Crevalle]

Heya Both my sis and I were adopted right after birth. I tihnk for her, she is more interested cause she's the most different in our family. My mom and I even look alike and no one has ever believed I'm adopted we are so much alike. I thnk, just speculating, but I think in her mind, she wants to find em cause she thinks they'd be more "like her". She has battled with my parents her whole life and I think she has that fairy tale that if she found her birth parents, everything would be perfect and all her problems would be solved. Could happen, I suppose. But, there is no magic cure for anything, only a ban aid. Neither of us have any info and I'm sure curiousity is alarge factor too. As for me, I have a good life, had a great childhood and can't ask for much more. I gotta go to work soon, but I'll answer any more questions later

Cool, I totally see your point, and I guess your sister is having the hard time of the two of you. I bet as soon as she "found" them, that silly fairy tale would quickly dissapear, and she will really feel bad and reconnect with you guys. I hope she gets over that soon, man I can imagine how hard it has been on your mom. Shoot, give your mom a huge hug tonight for sure, she's brave!

Do you or her have any weird issues with guys? My sister is in her twenties and has yet to get a boyfriend! I swear I've never seen her with a guy. Not that she doesn't like men, she is very shy and looks very different from most people around her usually, and I think she has a huge complex. I hope she finds a caring nice guy, my fear is she'll hook up with some kook just because of her lack of experience in the dating scene...

 

[trouble]

JC, it sound's like you did one hell of a good job raising that girl. This ole world could sure use more people like you.

peace

 

[Jack Crevalle]

JC, it sound's like you did one hell of a good job raising that girl. This ole world could sure use more people like you.

peace

Thanks man, she is a blessing to us and she more than anyone knows the deceit that abortion can be. It can leave emotional trauma and guilt, I couldn't imagine making that decision.
I don't know, maybe I'm too spiritual, I couldn't bring myself to... I'm just trying to put out there that adoption is an option people seldom talk about..and that there are tons of people who can't have kids and would love to give an unwanted person love and a happy life..

 

[GMT]

Jack, I'm not going into my personal situation here, but please make sure that you don't talk about your daughters natural parents in a dispariging way. Or make the point that you dont see why anyone would want to trace birth parents who as you put it "abandoned them". This will only cause guilt for what is a completely natural curiosity as to the whole nature/nurture debate. Not to mention the curiosity of "what if we are the same". I'm sure you have a very happy home, and have shared that with someone else, all credit to you, but reading the way in which you express your views on the subject, while understanding the cognitive dissonance involved, I do feel that you should come to terms with the fact that one day, your daughter, regardless of what she will say to your face, will want to know more about her natural parents. And I really dont think that you can say dont have abortions, put your unwanted kids up for adoption, because they are totally different situations and decisions to be made. Both with respective guilt associated.

 

[KharmaGirl]

No, actually, I'm living proof that that doesn't always happen. I'm a grown adult and I've never had any interest in finding my birth parents. Don't generalize. Some will have a curiousity and some won't. 3 other of my close friends were also adopted and out of the 5 of us, only 1 has any desire to locate birth family. Don't even get me started on the nature/nurture thing....all I can say is that my mom and I look alike, act alike and are so similar there are people who still believe I am lying about being adopted. Yet, we have not 1 gene in common. It also isn't Jack's daughter, it's his sister, so I doubt he would make any comments.

Jack..Nope, no issues with boys As for my sis, those are my thoughts exactly.. there are no fairy tales.

 

[GMT]

Karma girl, you are only living proof of what you are, not what is natural for others.

 

[KharmaGirl]

It's "Kharma" and I think my opinion applies, I'm first hand proof, as are my friends. You made a generalization. Ya can't generalize these situations. It's a case by case basis, right?

 

[Jack Crevalle]

Jack, I'm not going into my personal situation here, but please make sure that you don't talk about your daughters natural parents in a dispariging way

Thanks Kharma, you beat me to it. I'm not being disparaging in any way, if anything the woman was very courageous to be responsible and not choose the easier way out. I'm trying to better understand my sister and show people she is a happy, healthy person. Her mom did not want her and was noble, wise, and responsible enough to let her live and give her to a family that wanted her and had plenty of love to give. I disagree with you completely that she will change her views. She is in her mid 20s and has never changed the way she feels. I never discuss adoption with her and probably never will, please point out what I said that got your panties in such a bunch?

A sperm or ovule donor is not a mother or father, and just because someone has your blood doesn't mean they will be decent, honest, loving people to you. There are highly educated and experienced Psychologists with thousands of identical cases, that will argue this with you no end if you'd like, I'm not up to it in this thread. I can guarantee you that love is what makes a family, not blood.

I do feel that you should come to terms with the fact that one day, your daughter, regardless of what she will say to your face, will want to know more about her natural parents.

Sounds great to me! If she wants to find her roots, then by all means I'd love to go with her and find out more myself. I think you have something against me and just wanted to derail my thread, let it go...She's not even my daughter, geez, did you read the thread?

 

[Jack Crevalle]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to KharmaGirl again.

Kharma, does your mom have biological kids? Do you discuss adoption with her and/or your mom regularly? I don't even know how I'd approach the subject with her, it's like she's my sister and that's it, when I'm around her, there is no need to touch on the subject anyway, but when I stop to think about it, I'd really like to know about her thoughts, fears, insecurities....I feel like I'm in the dark sometimes, and I catch myself feeling sorry for her. It's strange, but it happens.

I can imagine it really depends on the person, like you said, as to how they would react to finding the bio parents. maybe if a kid was adopted a bit older it would leave more of a curiosity as to why they were "abandoned" etc. I can totally see how an older adoptee may attribute the fact they were adopted to financial difficulties, and think that they can now "fix" it.. etc, God that has to be challenging..I'm just so happy my sister isn't bitter and isn't on a reuniting mission with her bio relatives.
It's sad that some parents hide it from the kids, and I think that would really undermine the love that most adoptees feel for their real parents and siblings, like Kharma and my sister..

 

[GMT]

We adopted my baby sibling when she was a newborn. We convinced her to adopt her baby out to us, no matter how deformed of problematic that baby may be. We always told her she was adopted, but a part of the family just the same. We are her family, she wants nothing to do with the biological mother, unlike other adopted people.
Anyone else have any cool adoption stories? Anyone here adopted and what are your thoughts on discussing adoption with someone. Has anyone had this discussion with a relative who does try to find their biological family? Why would they do that if the persons abandoned them?

Fairly simple to see why I thought you had adopted her, from your intro its all we did this and we told her that, made it sound more like you had actually adopted a child rather than your parents did. You yourself say (above) that she UNLIKE other adopted people feel a certain way, you make the same point that I did, that a lot of adopted people feel a curiosity about their genetic heritage and the effects that this has upon what made them who they are. You also asked for others views on discussing the topic with her, so I gave mine, now I'm out of order for doing so and only doing so as I have a grudge against you? Back up and rethink what you are typing Jack. You are being very insulting to women in that situation and towards any one who was given better opportunities in life through an extremely hard decision for someone to take in dreadfull circumstances. Its not the easy answer to have your child adopted, and it may also be the most responsible answer. What got my panties in a bunch, you talking shit about a subject you clearly have no understanding of, even if your sister does. And Karma girl getting hers in a twist because I missed out the H in her name. And saying that only she has valid views on this and anyone not agreeing with them clearly doesnt know what they are talking about. What a pair of jokers you 2 are.

 

[KharmaGirl]

lol I spell it out and it doesn't help, kinda funny. I'm pretty sure he made the thread to gain understanding, no? I never said my views were the only ones that were valid,nor did I say anything about anyone agreeing with me. Do NOT put words in my mouth or twist my words. THAT gets me going. Re read the thread, please. You are misunderstanding both me and Jack.

Jack, no my mom has no bio children. Both my parents have been open since I was a child. We've discussed adoption tons throughout my life and are very open about it. If I ever had any questions, I knew I could ask either of my parents and they'd always answer honestly. I can't say we discuss it "regualrly" anymore, as I don't have many questions left. If the topic comes up, we still discuss it though